Dating Dilemma - opinions please!

duchy

Alternatively the OP is picking up on something.

I had a boyfriend who was not nearly as single as he claimed to be.....when I caught him out my biggest emotion was relief that those awful feelings of not trusting him despite everything appearing OK weren't a leftover from my cheating ex husband but my inner voice telling me something wasn't right.

It taught me that if your inner voice is telling you something isn't right- Listen !!

prosaver

the problem with me I always thought I could beat the inner voice, but you cant.:(

Spendless

I once had a boyfriend who told me the exact same thing. He turned out to be married! On reflection, there was nothing he/we did that backed his story of being single eg I hadn't met any of his friends or family.

FBaby

Yes. He's living with his parents. Or so he says.

Which could indeed be very convenient as a reason why you can't go to his. At the same time, he wouldn't be the first one to do so after a marriage break-up before the marital home is sold.

The reality is that he could be totally honest or totally dishonest. I can understand how indeed, if he has managed to get her to be reasonable about the divorce finances (if he is the one who has the most to lose out), he wouldn't want anything to get her angry and prepared to fight for more.

If I were in your shoes, I would give him the benefit of the doubt, however, I would certainly be on red alert for anything he says/do that I wouldn't expect from someone who is indeed separated.

One common sign that he could be up to something is him not wanting to talk on the phone in the evenings, or not picking it up, something he wouldn't be able to do if he was indeed happily married, but would have no reason not to do if bored at home with his parents.

Pollycat

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Well, not getting involved with a married man might be a good starting point.

missbiggles1 wrote: »

He's married so he'd be committing adultery, whether he thinks it's wrong or not.

I - and this is just my own opinion - think there's a big difference between getting involved with a man who is still living with his wife, engaging in a full married life with her, and someone who has irrevocably separated from his wife and is just waiting for the divorce to come through.
Other people may think differently (maybe for religious reasons) but I don't see why a man (or woman) should have to put their life on hold until they get a piece of paper in their hand.

Unfortunately, we don't know - and unfortunately neither does Maureen - which category this guy falls into.
If they get on and have a chance of a future together, I really do hope he's in the latter.

missbiggles1

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

I didn't get yours. I understood the other concerns around secrecy.

The point is that, even if he's telling her the complete truth, he's still a married man. Why is this so complicated to understand?

missbiggles1

Pollycat wrote: »

I - and this is just my own opinion - think there's a big difference between getting involved with a man who is still living with his wife, engaging in a full married life with her, and someone who has irrevocably separated from his wife and is just waiting for the divorce to come through.
Other people may think differently (maybe for religious reasons) but I don't see why a man (or woman) should have to put their life on hold until they get a piece of paper in their hand.

Unfortunately, we don't know - and unfortunately neither does Maureen - which category this guy falls into.
If they get on and have a chance of a future together, I really do hope he's in the latter.

I certainly think there's a difference but not the big difference that some seem to think. Just as marriage isn't "just a piece of paper" at the start, neither is it at the end, the fact is he isn't single yet.

duchy

missbiggles1 wrote: »

The point is that, even if he's telling her the complete truth, he's still a married man. Why is this so complicated to understand?

If a marriage is over-it is over.

Getting a divorce can take several years for a variety of good reasons- even a straightforward one will take the best part of a year.

My marriage ended the day I caught my husband cheating- Marriage is more than just a legal document to most people -it's a state of mind . Claiming morality over whether a decree absolute has been issued or not reduces marriage to a business proposition rather than an expression of lifetime commitment. Once a contract is broken -it's broken and there's nothing complicated about that. Infidelity can reduce marriage to "just a piece of paper" status quicker than anything else.

If a couple have emotionally ended their marriage and permanently physically separated (although in this instance it really isn't clear if this is the case) then they have by mutual agreement set each other free.

missbiggles1

duchy wrote: »

If a marriage is over-it is over.

Getting a divorce can take several years for a variety of good reasons- even a straightforward one will take the best part of a year.

My marriage ended the day I caught my husband cheating- Marriage is more than just a legal document to most people -it's a state of mind . Claiming morality over whether a decree absolute has been issued or not reduces marriage to a business proposition rather than an expression of lifetime commitment. Once a contract is broken -it's broken and there's nothing complicated about that. Infidelity can reduce marriage to "just a piece of paper" status quicker than anything else.

If a couple have emotionally ended their marriage and permanently physically separated (although in this instance it really isn't clear if this is the case) then they have by mutual agreement set each other free.

I understand your point, although I don't totally agree with it.

Where it falls down is in cases of death, inheritance or serious illness where the spouse in question is still relevant to the situation, regardless of how long the separation has been, as a friend of mine found out to her cost.:(

Maureen43

iammumtoone wrote: »

How did you meet?

If you met due to him activity seeking a relationship ie a dating website etc, then I would be very cautious as he should not have been doing that in his position.

We met online through a dating site.