Was I such a terrible daughter?

Pollycat

I just love a thread where the consensus is unanimous. :T
OP - I hope the responses you've had make you feel better.
In fact not better - vindicated.
You were not a bad daughter.

meritaten

Brickwall, it really upset me to read your post. How could your friend possibly know under what circumstances someone would have to into a care home or even a mental hospital?
Both my nan and my aunt were severely affected by Alzhiemers. to the stage where they were a danger to themselves AND those caring for them.

With the best will in the world - they could NOT be cared for at home. it was far too dangerous.

Not to mention that not everybody is able to do it - if you have to work to pay the bills, then the piddling amount you get as a carer isn't going to compensate.

You were NOT a terrible daughter - You were a daughter doing the best for your mum at the time.

Please don't take any notice of some peoples appalling ignorance of the 'facts of caring for people at home'. They just do not realise that its mostly you are left to get on with it and have little or no help or respite even when all the family pitches in.

Brickwall

Thank you for all he replies.

I was with my mum when she died, I sat for the last hour holding her hand telling her how much I loved her, saying everything I needed to say, then I told her it was time for her to let go, time for her to be with my dad, broke my heart to tell her it was time for her to let go.

I know in my heart of hearts I did the right thing, even though mums anniversary is just around the corner, I'm still surprised at how much this has upset me, I can't believe that a so called friend could come out with something like that five years after she went in the home, I'm wondering if she's been thinking this for the last five years.

Peter333

You poor thing Brickwall. What a thing for your friend to say. Some friend! I agree that you should ask her why she said it. Say to her 'why did you sound off about how awful it was putting your parents in care, when you know I put my mother in care? Are you mad with me for some reason? Did I upset you? I found it really hurtful.'

You have to talk to her about it, otherwise your friendship will not survive. You will just be harbouring resentment.

Oh and by the way, no you didn't do anything wrong. You did everything right. As people have said on here, people in care homes are trained professionals; you're not.

Pollycat

OP
At least you now know that everybody who's posted on your thread (and as a relative newbie you probably don't realise how rare that is on MSE ) thinks you did the right thing.

How good a friend is this person?

If she was a good friend of mine I would have to bring this up and let her know how much her comments affected me - and hopefully thrash it out to our mutual satisfaction.
If she wasn't that good a friend, I'd be deciding if her comments had made any further friendship worth continuing.

seven-day-weekend

My sister had Alzheimers.

My b-I-l and my neice cared for her as long as they could. There came a time when they couldn't, she needed full-time professional and specialised care. So she had to go into a home.

You are not a dreadful daughter, just someone who did their best under terrible circumstances.

And probably grieving as the anniversary approaches.

PoorCharleyBear

my mother always said she did not want to go into a home, but her dementia was so bad we had no choice.(and she had no clue)

If she lived with one of he children, it would have been a 24hr a day physically demanding job- no respite and no end until her demise. And try physically moving a frail looking dementia person...they are very strong. There is also the danger side- wandering out, switching on gas etc.

Only if you have had to deal with a dementia patient close hand can you know what a hard job it is. To sum up- this person is talking out of her !!!!. In an ideal world parents would live with their kids, but dementia is a horrible thing to deal with. You do what is best for you/your wellbeing. Your friend would probably do exactly the same in the same situation.

pickledonionspaceraider

Brickwall wrote: »

I just happened to say that it was at least she wasn't in the position of having to have her mum go in a care home.

Hi Brickwall

Just to say no, you are not a bad person. Hand on heart I do not know what I would do faced with that decision to make.

The only thing I can think of that upset your friend is the above comment - it is one of those things 'it was not as bad for them as it was for me' type comments.

msb5262

Hi OP,
It sounds as if you did everything you possibly could - well done. You need to acknowledge this to yourself and as the anniversary of your mum's death approaches, focus on remembering happy times when she was really herself.
Best wishes
MsB xx

jackyann

Just adding that people who only witness early dementia have no idea how unsafe someone can become at home.
The only way we could have kept my close relative safe at home was to have paid for 2 carers to be there round the clock - this would be the equivalent of paying 6 annual salaries.
I also have a theory that many dementia sufferers have glimpses of how difficult things can be, and do relax and feel more safe in a care home.

One of my friends who took the "don't use a care home" route (though not in a critical or unkind way) was finally forced into a decision when the sufferer threatened her with a large kitchen knife. He had been in some sort of special forces in his youth and retained those memories. It was quite horrendous, as it was not a mild threat at all - she locked herself in a room, was able to attract attention through the window and the police arrived as he was breaking down the door. It was then very difficult to find a home to take him as he needed such specialist care - my own theory was that had he gone earlier into a care home he would have been handled professionally and probably kept more calm, so the situation would not have arisen (not least because of having no access to knives!)