Was I such a terrible daughter?

meritaten

you are so right Brickwall - my nan and aunt were lost to me when the Alzhiemers took hold. They became total strangers, and what was even worse was they seemed strangers to themselves too. Dementia in all its forms is the cruellest disease on earth. It robs the sufferer and it robs the family and it even robs the carers - no matter what they do the outcome is always 'worst case'.

I bet your mum would now be saying 'You did your best love and got the best for me'.
please find some peace within yourself about this - and the others who have posted with guilt and regrets.
just think - if someone had pneumonia would you refuse to let them go into hospital?
because an illness is mental and affects (mostly but not always) the aged - refusing them professional care is to me a form of neglect. they SHOULD have the best care available - and frankly that is not in the form of one family member! one person cannot stay awake 24/7, they cannot have eyes in the back of their heads, they don't have the training they should have to care for sometimes violent people. etc etc.................the list of what carers are expected to do that professionals should goes on and on.

Brickwall

meritaten wrote: »

you are so right Brickwall - my nan and aunt were lost to me when the Alzhiemers took hold. They became total strangers, and what was even worse was they seemed strangers to themselves too. Dementia in all its forms is the cruellest disease on earth. It robs the sufferer and it robs the family and it even robs the carers - no matter what they do the outcome is always 'worst case'.

I bet your mum would now be saying 'You did your best love and got the best for me'.
please find some peace within yourself about this - and the others who have posted with guilt and regrets.
just think - if someone had pneumonia would you refuse to let them go into hospital?
because an illness is mental and affects (mostly but not always) the aged - refusing them professional care is to me a form of neglect. they SHOULD have the best care available - and frankly that is not in the form of one family member! one person cannot stay awake 24/7, they cannot have eyes in the back of their heads, they don't have the training they should have to care for sometimes violent people. etc etc.................the list of what carers are expected to do that professionals should goes on and on.

Yes you're right, I managed to keep her in her own home for as long as I could.
I take my hat off to anyone that chooses to go into the caring profession, I'm also grateful that they do.

2gorgeousgirls

I've watched an aunt care for her husband in this situation and quite frankly she is wretched. He needs to be watched like a hawk because he does things that put them in danger, turning on gas without lighting it for example. It has put an incredible strain on her and has affected her own health.

Making sure your mum had proper care where several people were around at any time to ensure her safety meant that you were in a position to spend quality time with her when visiting instead of being exhausted from caring.

Don`t spend time worrying about past decisions, you can't change them. The anniversary is coming up, remember happy times..

Those friends who are so adamant that they would care for their parent have not yet been faced with that dilemma. It's easier said than done.

I don't think you were terrible, I think you made the best of a horrible situation.

uberalles

I think the OP made the correct decision based on their situation.

My wife and I have always said neither of us would put the other in a care home, and she works in this area.

But our decision is based more on what our families had done previously and therefore, I guess to an extent, what is expected.

My MIL cared for my FIL at home until he died. We did the same for MIL for a few months until she died. In 2010 my missus' 80 year old aunt moved in with us and a year later was diagnosed with dementia. We cared for her for 2 years until she died.

But the point is that our circumstances allowed for this, I worked from home and my wife took responsibility of personal care. But it was extremely tough, she became very nasty and put a great strain on our married life.

OP, you've nothing to feel guilty about, no two situations are the same.

Petra_70

Nothing to add really except I agree with everyone!

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG AND YOU WERE A GREAT DAUGHTER!

Alzheimers in a hideous life stealer, and to cope with it you need special skills and training.

I am sorry for your loss, but I bet your mother is looking down from Heaven saying 'silly moo!'

Don't be so hard on your self hun. Sounds like you were an amazing daughter!

System

.... one more point i'd like to make. My Mother is awful to the carers at times. They regularly go home with scratches and bruises where she has belted them whilst they have disturbed her (changing her pad etc). If they dont change her pad she is sore. If Mom doesnt want to be disturbed she whacks them one. At least with different staff in the care home the abuse they suffer is shared between them. Just imagine what one solitary carer would be like looking after her.

I did a few months in a care home on nights about 15 years ago. What an eye opener that was! I had a typewriter chucked at me and a sink was ripped off the wall. Thank goodness i wasnt on my own.

snowleopard61

Three things:

• In a family I know well, an elderly family member has recently had to go into a care home. He is doubly incontinent and bedridden, and although he isn’t a big man, it was very difficult for even two people to lift him without causing themselves injury. Having visited him several times, I have absolutely no doubt that he is now receiving better care even than his loving family were able to give him between them with the aid of home carers, not to mention that his poor wife was previously exhausted almost to the point of illness and his (very caring and involved) adult children worried sick about them both.

• I’m middle-aged, and the thought of one day possibly going into a care home doesn’t thrill me – but the thought of either or both of my much-loved daughters having the burden of giving me that sort of care makes me nearly break out in a cold sweat. I know which I’d rather have, any day.

• While I found it hard that both my parents died (of physical illnesses) while I was still relatively young myself, I’ve always been incredibly grateful that I never had to suffer watching them succumb to dementia as you and so many others do – this would have been immeasurably more painful to me

I really do feel for you, and have no doubt that you made the best choices for your mum and gave her all the loving care you could right to the end.