Was I such a terrible daughter?

AntoMac

Brickwall wrote: »

Deep down I know I made the right decision, mum was becoming increasingly unsafe in her own home, she had two walking sticks and insisted on using them upside down, she said she was right, she was using them upside down to come down the stairs! Once the district nurses seen her doing this they took the sticks off her. I had to get the police to force the door open because she wouldn't open the door. She was pouring all her tablets into one big bowl, we had to hide all her medication, she was such a small woman so we had everything up high where she couldn't reach it. If she'd stayed there any longer she would have killed herself

I know that for mum it was the only option, but it's not an easy option, I'm thinking that they seem to think I've taken the easy option, the easy way out.

You might be overthinking what you think others are thinking (excuse clumsy grammar). YOU know the truth so even if they think you've taken the easy option they're wrong and it's none of their business. I'm sure after only two years you're still full of grief as well, which isn't helping how you are feeling. Losing someone in that way must take a long time to get over.

victor2

Alzheimers and dementia are both terrible ailments for loved ones to come to terms with. Only someone who has experienced it first hand can see the difficulties it brings. Your friend presumably has little or no experience of it, and is unsympathetic about it through a lack of understanding.
She may be a good friend to you in other ways, and maybe you can just let her comments go, even though they hurt you at the time. Unless she is prepared to discuss it further and approach it with a more open mind, it probably isn't worth pursuing. Only you can judge how important her friendship is to you.

paddy's_mum

Turn it all round and realise that your experiences (not hypothetical clap-trap) have given you an understanding and insight that will make you a person even better able to offer genuine sympathy and support to someone else being forced into this very sad position.

Kinda makes your tears worthwhile when you see that this unhappy incident has added something wonderful to what makes you you!

elsien

You kept your mum safe. You got her the support she needed when she needed it. You visited her every day, pretty much, right to the end. What more could you have done? If you'd left things and something had happened, you'd have been beating yourself up for not looking after her well enough. Each family, each circumstance is different. Dementia is a cruel illness and I've known many people who've tried their best to keep someone at home but it's become too unsafe for everyone for any number of reasons.
It doesn't matter what other people think. They don't know.

I have already had this conversation with my mother, who is opposed to going into a home if she becomes unwell. This would mean me giving up my job and my house to move in with her with no other family support system to give me a break. And we tend to clash now - that would get so much worse if she was resenting her loss of independence or getting dementia and becoming deluded or aggressive. Call it realism, call it selfishness, call it what you will, I love her dearly but I cannot/will not be her full time carer. In other circumstances it might be different, but you go with what you've got.

Try not to dwell on the comments, they come from a place of little understanding.

Brickwall

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Turn it all round and realise that your experiences (not hypothetical clap-trap) have given you an understanding and insight that will make you a person even better able to offer genuine sympathy and support to someone else being forced into this very sad position.

Kinda makes your tears worthwhile when you see that this unhappy incident has added something wonderful to what makes you you!

The strange thing is, my daughter was only 15 at the time, she used to go a few times a week to see mum, after a while other residents used to come into the sitting room when she was there, my daughter used to sit and talk to them all, hold their hands, she visited them in their rooms if they weren't in the sitting room, she used to take the dog and take him to different rooms for a petting session. When she left school and went to college they loved hearing about college life, loved looking at the pictures of her and her friends. Mind you, every now and again mum used to get jealous.

The care home said that they think the residents took to her because she was the only young person that ever visited. I think that this experience made us both richer and better people.

DavidF

My personal opinion is that the friend that you had this conversation with was probably a bit emotional ect ect and said what she said as a throwaway comment. For one she was not even talking about herself.....she was referring to other friend. Other friend was not even involved in the conversation....so she is talking about another person who can't even speak up to correct any of the comments.
The second point is again try not to take it to heart. She i assume didn't say "She wouldn't put her in a care home like you did"......So you see unless she said something along those lines then she is not even referring to your situation, A super bad choice of words on her part especially as she was having the conversation with you who had to go through the choice.
Last point I gave up work, Moved 500 miles back across the country, Went from £35k per year to eventually benefits - Had a hellish couple of years - Guess what ? Mum died in hospital where she had spent about 5 out of the last 6 months of her life....essentially being cared for by others. Like you I was there every day ect ect. Like you even after all that I still felt a pang of guilt. Nothing anyone can say here will ever convince you to remove that pang (In my experience), But your brain will tell you that you made all the choices that you did out of love and respect and whatever you did right or wrong was always done with the very best of intentions. From what you have written I think YOU made the correct choice for your mum.....surely that's all that matters.

Dizzy_Ditzy

Sometimes the best thing to do for someone is the hardest thing to do.

You know you did the best, and right thing. There was no viable alternative.

Please don't let throwaway comments upset you. You had to live with your mums illness. They didn't. Until such a time that they are in the same position, they have no right to tell you any different.

Person_one

Bear in mind that your friend may not have even remembered at the time she was speaking that your mum had moved into a care home.

Its funny how short memories can be about other peoples' families, bereavements and circumstances. As its been 5 years, its possible that the situation with your mum didn't even pop in to her head as she was talking and she didn't connect the two. That doesn't make what she said less hurtful, but it might mean the intent wasn't so bad.

Pollycat

Was I such a terrible daughter?

No, you weren't.

Brickwall wrote: »

My friends response has really taken my breath away, she said that there was no way our other friend would have put her mum in a care home, I pointed out that as she works she couldn't have been there all the time, and as things got worse they couldn't have left her mum alone, she again said that there's no way our other friend would have put her mum in a care home, she would have left her job, blah, blah, blah about how absolutely no way would she have done that, I was taken aback by her outburst to be honest.

That's very easy to say when you're not faced with the prospect of what is the best thing to do for a parent with dementia.
I know that's true because my Mum, sister and I had to make that decision about my Dad.

Brickwall wrote: »

I feel like I've failed my mum.

You didn't fail her.
You made what was probably the hardest decision you'll ever have to make for her benefit, to make sure she was properly looked after.

heuchera

Brickwall wrote: »

Last weekend a friends mum died, I was at the house of a mutual friend and she was talking about how the other friends mum had died, I knew she had the onset of dementia. I just happened to say that it was at least she wasn't in the position of having to have her mum go in a care home. My friends response has really taken my breath away, she said that there was no way our other friend would have put her mum in a care home, I pointed out that as she works she couldn't have been there all the time, and as things got worse they couldn't have left her mum alone, she again said that there's no way our other friend would have put her mum in a care home, she would have left her job, blah, blah, blah about how absolutely no way would she have done that, I was taken aback by her outburst to be honest.

What appears to have happened is that you've made a well-meaning comment which might have been misinterpreted, and it's sparked off the mutual friend's defensive and rather hurtful response.


Perhaps she (wrongly) thought you were making light of the recently bereaved friend's loss by saying it's alright for her, at least her mum didn't have to go into a care home, or that you were saying that you were worse off than her.


The mutual friend's retort has had the desired effect, namely it's upset you and made you feel bad about yourself. Of course you were not a bad daughter and you did the best you could for your mum.


Moral of the story, don't ever say to (or about) someone who's been recently bereaved things like "it was for the best" or "at least such and such didn't happen". It's well-meaning but it can really get people's backs up.