Was I such a terrible daughter?

Goldiegirl

I was in a similar situation to the OP - and I can reassure you that you are not a terrible daughter. You did the best thing for your mum


My mum had Alzheimer's. My dad was caring for her, he died, and it was just at the point where my mum was getting too much for him to cope with.


I was thankful for a couple of things - firstly, it was me who had to make the decision to place my mum in a care home, and secondly, due to her illness, she didn't have to grieve for my dad, as she forgot about him almost immediately.


Alzheimer's is an illness. When your loved ones are ill, you make sure they are going to get the best care possible, and it's not always that you, personally, are the one who can provide that care.


Alzheimers patients may need to be watched 24/7. They can wander off and lose them selves , wander in to the road and cause accidents - they can cause fires. Then, there's the issue of them becoming incontinent - as much as you love the patient, changing their nappy is probably a line that no one wants to cross.


They can forget who you are and become paranoid, so you could end up caring for some one who is frightened to be alone with someone who is a stranger to them, or is screaming foul mouthed abuse at you all the time.


I did the best for my mum - she was in a safe place and cared for by people who knew how to provide the best care. She also had a fuller life than I could have provided for her - they were always having some form of entertainment in the home and she went out for coach trips, which she had never done before, as she always got travel sick. Her illness meant she had forgotten that she was travel sick!


My mum forgot I was her daughter. She went through a stage of thinking I was her sister, and after that, she just knew I as someone special, right up to the end. I feel blessed about that.


I'm sure there may be people who are judgemental and say they'd never put a relative in a home. Some may even end up posting here.


But I'm comfortable with the decisions I made and have no regrets.


Be easy in your mind - you did what was right for your mum and you were brave enough to make difficult decisions.

Lily-Rose_3

Look at the posts on here OP!

Everyone thinks you did the right thing.

And the posters on here will tell you the truth!

Whether you like it or not! :eek:

pigpen

How could anyone know what they would do in that position unless they have actually been there.. they won't even have thought about you at all and just blarbed out a pile of rubbish.

You provided your mum with 24 hour care. People with such conditions can become violent and a danger to themselves, you did your best by protecting her from being in danger and ensuring her safety.. how does that make you a terrible daughter?

I would happily put my mother in a nursing home if it meant she would get the care I could not provide.. if her condition meant I couldn't care for her... and to be entirely honest, I wouldn't want to look after her.. she would be utterly awful to look after and she knows it!


It must be a cripplingly hard decision to put your mum in a home.. unless you are a mean as me .. but you did it for her.

Your friend and her other friend don't have the experience to say what they would have done if the condition of the friends mum had deteriorated to such a point her safety was a concern.

If I am honest I would probably pull them up on it and tell them how you feel.

Brickwall

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I do appreciate people taking the time to reply.
Deep down I know it was the right thing to do, keeping her in her own home was killing me off, It was a case of she'll kill herself or this is going to kill me off.
I'm just stunned that my friend feels that way, she knows that it broke my heart to have to do this, but I could no longer cope. I suppose it was how nastily she said it, she would NEVER put her mum in a home. She seems to have held her resentment in for a long time.
Maybe "friend" should be said loosely.

FreeBear

I had to watch my mum die a little bit each day due to a rare form of Alzheimer's. Eventually, I just couldn't cope so had to hand over the care to someone else. It wasn't easy, and I didn't go over to visit anywhere near as much as I should. Does that make me a bad individual ?

No.

I don't think anyone is truly prepared emotionally to look after a loved one with dementia, even those that have trained & worked in that area. Whilst the day to day care can be demanding, watching the lights go out a little bit more each day is extremely difficult.

Treasure the moments and memories that you have. Remember the good times and try not to dwell on the bad.

System

You did the best for your Mum. She was around professionals who were experienced in looking after people like your Mum. Unlike you who would have known very little about the condition.

My Mother has vascular dementia and at times she is awake all night wailing and sleeps all day. All down to the condition i am told. Theres no way i could cope with that if she lived with me.

The other week they got the doctor out to Mum. Her skin had 'broken down' on her left thigh. Ive never heard of skin breaking down let alone knowing how to treat it.

Dont feel guilty, you were sensible.

Oh and theres a saying .... 'Talk is cheap'. Its true.

goodwithsaving

You sound compassionate, thoughtful and the person I wish I could be if I am ever in your position. You did not fail her. You supported her, visited her and ensured she was cared for. Every case is different and nobody has a right to judge you, us included. Although for what it's worth, I think you must have been a wonderful daughter.

belfastgirl23

I'm just wondering, was the conversation as difficult as you're saying or were you feeling particularly sensitive? I'm just asking because it is coming up to your mum's anniversary and you have also seen your friend recently go through the same trauma that you did - so this will be an incredibly difficult and emotional time. I do definitely think the person talking to you was tactless - but I'm just asking whether your might have had more of an emotional reaction than you normally would? You know in your heart that you did the right thing. The fact that this has knocked you so much off balance says to me that there's other stuff going on.

I'm only asking because sometimes grief comes out sideways. Once you realise that this is what's going on it can be easier to cope. As in it kind of helps you get perspective. I wonder whether what you're feeling now isn't really about the other person or their comments, but, but is a kind of grief, you're just somehow mis-naming. Sometimes it's hard to admit that it's still grief because you somehow feel you should be 'over' it, or indeed want to be over it. But there's no timetable for this and sometimes you take two steps forward and one step back for a bit.

For what it's worth, I also agree with the others, you did your absolute best that you could for your mother in the circumstances and you should not feel any regret. Visiting every day takes a huge amount of energy, especially as the person you loved fades - it's sad and distressing and you still did it. You should feel proud of this. Honestly I don't know that I could manage it.

74jax

You're not a terrible daughter.

Everyone is different. It doesn't matter if the other person wouldn't have done that, if she'd have given up her job to be with her mum etc. Different people, different circumstances. You did what you had to.

My dad died a few months back. His last 'proper' words to me were he wanted to die at home. We had a hospital bed etc at home so he could. The day before he died during a doctor's visit, the doctor called me and recommended he be admitted to an end of life unit for his dignity. I agreed. Put down the phone and broke my heart at my desk. So much so everyone thought he'd died. I let my dad down on his last wish.

I did what I had to do. Just as you did.

Know in your heart, you did what was right for you as you're family. Each person is different, but be at peace. You accepted what you did before this friend said anything. Don't let her get to you.

You'll be emotional due to the anniversary approaching also.

Know you did the right thing at the time.

DigForVictory

Your mutual friend has put her foot right in it. I could almost feel sorry for her, but I'm too cross with her insensitivity on your behalf.

Clearly she's forgotten your mum, forgotten (if she ever knew) that Alzheimer's steals the soul first then the body, forgotten that of course you make the best decisions you can at the time (and that you can revisit those & wonder 'did I do right' later but by then it's Later).

Which is a lot, but folk live very self absorbed lives these days. Have they spent the last years thinking you're a Bad Daughter? If they have, How [expletives deleted] Dare They Judge & anyway, odds on they Haven't Thought - more like what's for tea, on the TV, might I get that promotion, did I feed the cat? (Sorry for all the capital letters!)

By your own words, you put your mum into a care home as she wasn't safe at home even though you didn't want to, you visited daily when you could & made sure others did if you couldn't - honey girl, that is Olympic Gold Daughter care right there.

Stuff what anyone else thinks, they weren't there, they didn't have to worry about keeping meds out of reach, they didn't see your mother's eyes brighten as she saw you. So, your "friend" hasn't used whatever keeps her ears apart at all.

Don't feel eaten away over something that you can do nothing about and have no reason to feel ashamed of. You did right by your mum, you did right for you & yours at the time & anyone who utters unthinking judgemental opinions can be safely left right off the christmas card list.

If it still burns? Print off this thread, shove it through her letterbox & walk away.