Was I such a terrible daughter?

onlyroz

People in the final stages of Alzheimers need 24/7 care and many, if not most, people are unable to provide that. Don't beat yourself up about it - you did the right thing.

Brickwall

The friend was also a friend of mums, she actually visited her twice in three years, said she found it too upsetting, her son, 37 at the time, used to borrow money off my mum, he never went to see her at all.

My friend brought up the subject of dementia, how our mutual friends mum was becoming more and more confused. I'd never make light of anyone's bereavement, she knows me well enough to know I'd never do that, at the same time she knows how upset I was at the time of having to place mum in the care home.

gettingtheresometime

I think, along with everyone who has already posted, your friend was talking carp.

We all think we'd like to do the ideal thing in any given situation but when faced with reality we often find that we can't do what we'd like to do.

You did for your mum what you thought, and more importantly WAS right for your mum....and it wasn't as if you or your family abandoned her once she was there.

Keep_pedalling

I paid for my elderly mother to be in a care home for 2 weeks over Christmas and New year, she is now back home and wishing she was back in that care home, and not home with little social contact with the outside world. Her quality of life was far better for those 2 weeks that it was before or now, unfortunately I cant afford to pay for further care, and the LA will currently only fund home care although we are looking at a move into assisted living.

A good care home is often the better option for all concerned, and other peoples ignorant opinions mean diddle squat.

happyandcontented

I feel for you. Almost the same thing happened to me but it was my SIL who made the remark a couple of years after her own mother had died and she had nursed her to the end at home. I won't go into the detail as many years later it is still quite raw, but suffice to say her home circcumstances in terms of age, job, and age of children were very different to mine.

I still don't know if the remark was meant to hurt or was even thought about or even directed at me, but it did hurt, very much. I never mentioned it to her. I think it is because despite what anyone says and despite how you rationalise it to yourself you do feel an element of guilt, I know I did and still do. I know friends in who have been in the same position and they felt it too. Deep down I know I did what was right, what I could do, but it doesn't take away the feeling.

You will move past it, you won't forget, but it will recede.

Lily-Rose_3

I can't imagine why your friend said this, whether it was a throwaway remark that wasn't aimed at you, or whether she was offended by what you said and bit back; but what she said was thoughtless and rather cruel.

People have no choice but to put their parents in a home sometimes, no matter how much they would rather not. Especially if the parent has alzheimer's. And I know we have seen a few care homes that have been awful, but the fact is that the majority of them are very good, with excellent carers and nurses. I went to see my friend's dad with her some weeks back (he is 73 and has alzheimer's,) and the nurse was playing cards with him!

I have never been in the position of having to put my parents in a care home, but I understand and empathise with those who ARE in that position. In some families, the dad works, the mum works, and they have young children/teens, and there is no WAY that the elderly and infirm parent can get adequate care if their offspring is looking after them. And let's face it, the care would fall mostly to the woman wouldn't it? No, I'm not being sexist; it would.

Nature hates women. Nature gives women periods, cystitis, thrush, pregnancy, childbirth, physical weakness, breast cancer, cervical cancer, and so on, and it also gives us more body fat than men, and makes us lose weight far slower, amongst other little treats! Also nature makes us have fiesty teenagers, at the same time we are often nursing and nurturing elderly parents, and it's almost always during the menopause, and we are usually having to hold down a JOB as well! Thanks a lot nature!

Someone said to me once 'in other countries and continents, the adult children look after their elderly parents.' Well good for them! In many other cultures, there are huge families of 30 or more within a 15 minute walk who can take it in turns to nurse their elderly. Here, we are all scattered all over the country, because of over inflated house prices and low wages and having to travel for work, and because of all of that, (high house prices, low wages, high outgoings,) women are often forced to work - often full time.

I have a 40 year old penpal in Italy, and she and her 4 sisters don't work; they are full time mums, and they all take it in turns look after their 80 y.o. mother and their 5 mother-in laws between them. (Along with half a dozen or more relatives in the family, who help too.) The men go out to work and the women look after the family and the home, and the women don't NEED to work...the men bring in enough money. Like it used to be over here! Now it isn't, women DO need to work, and they are unable to give their elderly and infirm parents the care they need.

You seriously need to talk to your friend OP, and find out what the heck she meant.

Because what she said was a mean and cruel thing to say. IMO.

SandC

I agree with what everyone has said. My father was in a nursing home as he needed 24 hour care, we just couldn't do it at home..... what father wants his children to change his nappy and clean him up? What mum wants that of their children? Alzheimer's can come to that too....

There is little understanding of just how bad things can get in terms of ill health. We had suggestions of hiring nurses... Oh yes 24/7 if we had £1000 per week to spend maybe...

Try to put what your friend said behind you. A hurtful throwaway comment, yes, but only out of lack of knowledge of the real picture. I'm sure the pal who has just lost her mum doesn't feel like this. I would personally concentrate on her and keep some distance from the other one right now.

You were a great daughter, do not have any regrets that you did anything but the right thing for your Mum.

pollypenny

OP, you did the right thing!

After my mother died, my father fell apart, literally as he broke his hip and couldn't cope in the house.

We thought about having him to live with us, 160 miles away. However, he'd have been stuck in the house all day, bored and lonely and I know he'd have taken to drink.

He went into a good residential home, with some decent company,,where he was able to put a bet on and have a couple of cans of beer. Best solution.

peachyprice

You did the best for your mum at that time in her life. You made a decision that kept her safe and gave her the best care she could have had.

Yes, you could have kept her at home, given up your life for 5 years to look after her and worn yourself into the ground. Would she have wanted that from you? I doubt it.

You made a choice that was best for YOUR family. Just because some friend thinks being a martyr is better than getting the best care possible doesn't make you a terrible daughter.

Mr_Toad

You are not a terrible daughter. You made a choice and your Mum got the care she needed.

I afraid the friend in question has little idea of what's involved.

My father had dementia, Mum was his carer and I did what I could but Mum was incredibly strong. Dad's condition remained stable for several years then overnight he had a massive setback which resulted in him going into a home as Mum couldn't cope on her own with his changing needs.

Almost immediately she started to signs of dementia herself, it was as if caring for Dad was her reason for living and now he was in a home she seemed to let the dementia take over.

I called in every day and helped, when she started to forget where she'd parked her car I realised that action should be taken.

I worked from home so I let my place and moved in with Mum so that I could be there for her. I cared for her on my own, there's no other family, for two years.

It nearly killed me, quite literally, She wouldn't let me work properly and she wouldn't let me sleep or go out. I had help from Social Services, two days a week Mum went to day care. I arranged my work meetings round these days.

My own health deteriorated trying to both work and care for Mum to the point where I ended up in hospital with pneumonia and Mum ended up in respite care. While in they assessed her and decided that she couldn't come home, there was no way one person could safely look after her.

It was the worse two years of my life. My reasons aside if I could go back in time I would have looked after Mum but not for anywhere near as long as I did before putting her in a care home.

Care homes are not dumping grounds for those who have no relatives or for those who do not care enough to make the sacrifice. They are safe places where people can be cared for properly.

Until you have looked after someone with dementia, on your own, you can have no idea how difficult and soul destroying it is. And, on top of that you have to watch someone you love deteriorate on a daily basis and become someone who no longer knows you.

And that is something you can never truly explain to someone who has never experienced it.