Was I such a terrible daughter?

Peter333

Pollycat wrote: »

OP
At least you now know that everybody who's posted on your thread (and as a relative newbie you probably don't realise how rare that is on MSE ) thinks you did the right thing.

How good a friend is this person?

If she was a good friend of mine I would have to bring this up and let her know how much her comments affected me - and hopefully thrash it out to our mutual satisfaction.
If she wasn't that good a friend, I'd be deciding if her comments had made any further friendship worth continuing.

It is rare for EVERYONE to agree isn't it? :rotfl:

Hopefully, the OP feels better about this.

She did nothing wrong.

She does need to talk to her friend though, and ask her why she said what she said, and what she meant.

gettingtheresometime

Peter333 wrote: »

It is rare for EVERYONE to agree isn't it? :rotfl:

Hopefully, the OP feels better about this.

She did nothing wrong.

She does need to talk to her friend though, and ask her why she said what she said, and what she meant.

I would have said this is the first time in my mse history that this has happened ......

Peter333

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

I would have said this is the first time in my mse history that this has happened ......

I know right! :rotfl: This is what it must be like when doves cry. :eek:

Valli

My mum was in the position of making the decision for her own mum, who had dementia.

Mum was an only child; her decision to put Gran in a home was entirely supported by my sisters and me because my mum would have had to be on call 24/7 and that would have been detrimental to Mum's health and wellbeing.

You made a positive choice and it was the right one for you.

You did not fail your mum at all; you made sure she was safe, well and supported.

Valli

digforvictory wrote: »

if it still burns? Print off this thread, shove it through her letterbox & walk away.

hear hear:T

Valli

Brickwall wrote: »

I think I'm stunned, to think that for the last five years they must have thought that the choice we had to make was, in their opinion, terrible.

What is terrible is having to make the choice, it's a terrible disease and awful to witness. It saps the soul and the spirit but leaves the shell

The DECISION you made, however, was absolutely NOT terrible!

And you must be very, very proud of your daughter! What a lovely girl she must be - what a super mum you must be to have brought up a daughter who behaves so respectfully to others x

PasturesNew

Only somebody who has been there can know how awful it is. If you've not been there and not had to make the decisions, it's easy to dream you'd be different.

As you know, the reality is they have to be watched 24/7. What if they wander out the front door at 3am in their nightie, or lock themselves out, or let strangers in. Never mind all the falling/laying there scenarios.

And, on top of watching them you're getting no conversation - and you've still got to run the house, somehow do the food shopping, the cooking, cleaning. Organise Dr appointments, get them in/out of the car and entertained in the waiting room. Then manage their meds, etc. Hospital appointments, clinics, minor surgeries. All while they sit and smile without a clue. You have to take them everywhere with you; you have to be present every minute. There's no "I'll wait here then while you ...." for anything.

Then there's bathtime and hair washing.

24/7, when you have to be awake/alert/watching -AND- doing tasks.

It's worse than, say, a baby or a toddler because you can at least drop them into a play pen while you have a bath. You can learn their behaviours (which will be improving) and judge what they're likely to do - and work round that. Not so with older people with Alzheimers. With kids, too, it gets easier/better - not with adults.

A care home is the best place for somebody with a condition like that. 24/7 they're cared for, fed great food, have somebody to natter with etc etc. Meds are delivered on time, Dr visits organised, hospital visits organised/dealt with. Bathtime and hair cutting are routine. Toe-nail clipping too.

Clothes and bedding are washed, room's vacuumed, bed's made. Heating's on and works. No worrying about building insurance, maintenance, gardeners, gas boilers, leaks, breaks and old appliances.

All that AND tea/cake every 2-3 hours!

You DID do the right thing - and anybody who even thinks you didn't hasn't really been there.

I felt it'd be selfish NOT to put mine in a home. There she had wall to wall company, chats, tea/cake and entertainment.

splishsplash

Your friend was thoughtless as best, OP, and cruel at worst.

It wasn't her place to speak for your mutual friend either way.

You did the right thing. Let no-one tell you otherwise. You kept your mother safe and saw to it her needs were met in a way that would have been impossible for you to do.

That's what matters.

Kaye1

I just wanted to add my support.

A family member of mine was found wandering near the local football ground (approx. 2 miles from his home) looking for a jar of honey. With no shoes on. His wife had only gone to the toilet when he let himself out of the back door, climbed a small wall and 'escaped.'

Sometimes, a professional, secure home is the only answer.

Brickwall

Thank you to everyone that took the time to reply.

I think I was taken aback by what she said and how she said it.

But, the woman in the care home was not my mum, from the day the Alzheimer's started is the day we lost her.

As the two years approaches I'll remember the good times with both of my parents.

Again, thank you all for taking the time to reply. X