Was I such a terrible daughter?

Brickwall

The last few days I've felt so down.

Mum died two years ago next month, she had Alzheimer's, a terrible thing to witness, for the last three years of her life she was in a care home, broke my heart to have to go down that route to be honest. No one knew what mum was doing while she was still at home, it wasn't safe for her to be there any more.

Last weekend a friends mum died, I was at the house of a mutual friend and she was talking about how the other friends mum had died, I knew she had the onset of dementia. I just happened to say that it was at least she wasn't in the position of having to have her mum go in a care home. My friends response has really taken my breath away, she said that there was no way our other friend would have put her mum in a care home, I pointed out that as she works she couldn't have been there all the time, and as things got worse they couldn't have left her mum alone, she again said that there's no way our other friend would have put her mum in a care home, she would have left her job, blah, blah, blah about how absolutely no way would she have done that, I was taken aback by her outburst to be honest.

In a couple of weeks time it'll be two years since mum died, I lost my mum five years ago to Alzheimer's tho, I visited her just about every day, I always made sure if I wasn't going someone else could. I watched my mum day by day going further and further away from me, I used to be terrified of her one day not knowing who I was, the last few months she stopped talking, but her eyes lit up when I used to step out of the lift, I was always so grateful for that, it meant so much to me.

think I'm shocked that for the last five years they've basically thought I was some sort of disgusting daughter, the last couple of days I've sat at home, and for some reason I can't stop crying about it, I can't get what she said, the way she said it and her face out of my mind, it's on my mind all the time I'm at work. It's as if it's eating me away, I feel like I've failed my mum.

Thank you for reading this, I think I needed to get it off my chest

balletshoes

Your mutual friend, I gather, hasn't had to make that very difficult choice in her life?
Unless she has, she has no idea what it involves - you do, so don't allow someone else's opinion on the subject, when they haven't been there themselves, make you upset about the choice you made for your mum.

Person_one

You're not a terrible daughter.

A lot of people don't realise just how difficult/impossible it can be to care for somebody at home if they haven't been in that position themselves or seen it up close first hand.

You made the only decision you could at the time, and I'm sure it was absolutely the right one. Some people do give up work to care for elderly parents, but not everybody can do that, and its not always the right thing to do even if it is possible. Sometimes a care home is the best solution for everybody.

Maybe you should speak to your friend. Don't go in all guns blazing, just tell her that words have been on your mind and that you're upset by them. See how she responds. Hopefully she'll realise she was being really insensitive and apologise.

Brickwall

Thank you for the reply

No she's never had to make that choice, plus, someone was living in the same house as her mum and she lived next door to her.

I think I'm stunned, to think that for the last five years they must have thought that the choice we had to make was, in their opinion, terrible.

pmlindyloo

Stop beating yourself up about this.

Things are often said at times of great emotion without really thinking things through.

Your mum's friend had the onset of dementia - quite different from having Alzheimer's. Who could know what could have happened in the future to this lady. She could have deteriorated rapidly and become unsafe in her won home. Quite different situation to your mum. You know that your mum wasn't safe in her own home.

Lots of people have to make the same decision as you did. My family had to and yes, I have some regrets, just as you are having now.

All situations are different.

This person has expressed a view and it is held by many people until they find themselves in that position. Easy to say this when you haven't experienced the worry and concern of not being able to be there 24/7 and worrying that something awful will happen to your loved one.

Yes, have a cry and I am sure you will have some regrets for a long time but we all have these about many things. You did what you think was best for your mum and that is all you could do. She was safe and warm and hopefully received good care. You visited her as much as you could. You have done your best so stop worrying about someone who hasn't 'been there and got the t shirt'.

Kynthia

What people think they'll do when something happens and what they actually do can be two very different things. Giving up your job to live on benefits and care full time for someone who doesn't even recognise you or want you there (worst case scenario) would be more than most people could handle and when it came down to it many wouldn't make that leap. Also many would find a home could provide better care due to staff being trained, it not all being on one person who would become exhausted, the accommodation being suitable, etc.

Maybe your friend was affected by grief or has a very negative view of care homes due to horror stories. However you weren't a terrible daughter as you were there for your mum and loved her. I don't think anyone could say you didn't make an effort and try to make things good for her.

paddy's_mum

There's an old saying "walk a mile in another man's moccasins ...." and there is a huge amount of truth in there.

I feel sorry for your friend that she is so lacking in understanding and compassion.

If she doesn't withdraw the comment, I'm not sure that I would be able to trust her in the future nor think of her as a real friend.

I wish you well and I'm sorry that her comment has troubled you so much.

summerlady_2

I see that part of your friend's response was that there was no way the person referred to "would have" put her mother in a care home. This is absolute nonsense - we cannot foresee the future. She may have started out with the best of intentions to look after her mother at home, but circumstances change and the condition progresses in different ways with different sufferers. It s very hard for family to care for a sufferer who may not recognise them, may be unkind or aggressive as a symptom of the illness and may progress to a point when they simply forget how to do the basic necessities like swallowing. We are all different and should not judge. I have told my family that if I get any of a number of illnesses and need care, then they must arrange a care home for me. There is so much stupid pseudo-morality about this kind of situation.

AntoMac

Some excellent responses above, summing up better what I would have said.

Sorry to hear you're going through this hurt. I think having the difficult conversation with your friend is definitely worthwhile.

Reading this I would say you were a wonderful daughter.

Brickwall

Deep down I know I made the right decision, mum was becoming increasingly unsafe in her own home, she had two walking sticks and insisted on using them upside down, she said she was right, she was using them upside down to come down the stairs! Once the district nurses seen her doing this they took the sticks off her. I had to get the police to force the door open because she wouldn't open the door. She was pouring all her tablets into one big bowl, we had to hide all her medication, she was such a small woman so we had everything up high where she couldn't reach it. If she'd stayed there any longer she would have killed herself

I know that for mum it was the only option, but it's not an easy option, I'm thinking that they seem to think I've taken the easy option, the easy way out.

DollyDabbler

Didn't want to read and run. My father had to go into a care home as he could not look after himself at home. he was wheelchair bound and neither my or my siblings homes were either large enough or suitable for a wheelchair. It was the hardest decision we have ever had to make, but it was the best for Dad as he was in a place where he was looked after. Getting the best care you could for your Mum, does not make you a terrible daughter.