Best friend's new friend

Guest101

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Nah not buying it. No excuse for rudeness and put-downs at ALL. And this may be a 'trivial' issue for some, but it's clearly upsetting the OP, so quit being rude.

And God forbid someone would want to spend time with their MOTHER. Good grief!

Sounds like the OP's friend was jealous and threatened by her friend's relationship with her mother and wandered off and sought a new friendship.

If someone did that to me, ditched me for not spending enough time with them, it would be no loss. I can do without that kind of 'friend.' And I certainly don't need people around me who resent me spending time with my FAMILY!

That's handy because I wasn't selling it.

My opinion can differ to yours you know...

catmiaow

FBaby wrote: »

So what if it was always you inviting her? Did you start inviting your mum to prove a point? Well it did, she decided to expand her friendships and now you are losing hers. Instead, you could have continued to invite her, whilst maybe she would have continued to do something that maybe you have also taken for granted and you would still be close friends.

Because it is a two way thing, if she wanted to go she could have invited me. No my Mum and I decided to go, nothing to do with her just something nice to do together. I haven't taken her for granted as I have been the one making most of the effort and being more considerate.

missbiggles1

catmiaow wrote: »

A hell of a lot more polite than your response! Age is relevant!

I don't see how my response was rude in any way but I'm glad that you agree with me that age is relevant - that was all I was saying.:)

catmiaow

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I don't see how my response was rude in any way but I'm glad that you agree with me that age is relevant - that was all I was saying.:)

Okay my apologies.

Guest101

Op are you going to reveal your age?

pol-zeath

OP I would guess you are late 20's early 30's ? My advice would be to move on and perhaps broaden your horizons alittle. This all sounds very petty and maybe your friend is enjoying a more relaxed happy go lucky friendship with her new friend.

coolcait

catmiaow wrote: »

....
I told her that she never invited me to go to the cinema and I stopped as I wanted her to make more effort. ..


Before Christmas she sent me and her new friend a joint message asking us to go out for a meal, I was ill so politely declined. When she came over to my house, I told her that I wasn't keen on her new friend and assumed that she would get the hint not to invite us both out. We talked about a few things we were going to do after Christmas. I helped her move house, but other than that I had not been invited to her new house and she has been there a month ...

Since then I have seen her four times and that was three times coming to my house for dinner. Last week she opened a group message suggesting me and her friend do the thing we were talking about doing. I felt annoyed, because she knew I didn't like her and I was obviously going to decline. I politely declined and left the message because I wasn't going. My best friend messaged me asking me why I declined and I told her I felt it was rude she invited her new friend when didn't talk to me first, plus to what we had arranged.
....

I haven't quoted the whole post, as the points above were the ones which jumped out at me.

From what you say, you felt that your friend wasn't making as much effort in the friendship as you would have liked, or as much effort as you felt you were making.

This caused some friction, which came out in the discussions about going to the cinema.

Your friend invited you to a meal before Christmas. You declined as you were ill. Another person had also been invited to the meal. However, the invitation to another person was irrelevant in terms of your reasons for not going to the meal - you were ill.

You spent time with your friend over Christmas and talked about things you would like to do in after Christmas. You also spoke about the other person who had been invited to the meal before Christmas, and you told your friend that you weren't keen on that other person.

The bit in bold at that point in your original post explains where the communication between the two of you may have broken down.

You then discussed some things which the two of you would like to do after Christmas, but the bit in bold suggests that you may have been talking at cross purposes.

You might have been talking about things which you would like to do with your friend, just the two of you. Your friend might have been talking about things which she'd like to do in your company, but not exclusively in your company.

You helped your friend move house a month ago, and since then you have seen her four times - albeit not at her house.

Your friend opened a group message last week, inviting you to do one of the things you had talked about doing together. The invitation included the other person. You are upset because you feel that it was obvious that you were going to decline the invitation under those circumstances.

You are also upset because - after you had declined the invitation - your friend went ahead with the activity, in the company of the other person who had been invited to the activity, and had obviously accepted it.

Going back to the bit in bold in your original post, it may not have been at all obvious to your friend that you would inevitably decline the invitation. Therefore, there is no reason why she wouldn't take it at face value, and go ahead with the activity.

It is entirely your friend's choice if she goes ahead with an activity after you have been given the opportunity to take part, and have declined it.

If you're only willing to spend time with your friend when it is just the two of you, and the other friend is not present, that is entirely your choice. It is your choice to decline invitations which don't suit you. It is your prerogative to issue invitations which do suit you.

Your friend has the same right to manage her time and invitations in a way which suits her.

If you can combine those preferences, and find a way forward that works for you both, then the friendship can come through this.

Equally, it may simply be that it has run its course.

Gavin83

Have you met the new friend a lot or just a few times?

TBagpuss

I'd definitely recommend trying to talk to her in person rather than by text / e-mail etc.

I'd also recommend that when you do, you focus on how you feel, rather than what she has done
(e.g. "I'd really like for you and I to spend time together but I feel as if I am always the one proposing arrangements" rather than "you always expect me to make the effort to organise stuff" or "you never invite me" )

Have you ever specifically explained to her about the importance to you of spending time with you mum? Is it possible that she didn't understand your motivation and felt that it was about her, not about you and your mum?

Have you considered inviting her and the new friend to do something together? Maybe suggest that the 3 of you go to the cinema together? That way, it sends a message that you are open to doing *some* stuff in a small group rather than one-on-one, seeing a film you actually spend a lot of the time not having to talk to each other, so it's probably a relatively easy thing to do with someone you don't have a lot in common with, plus if her feelings were hurt by you not going to cinema with her, it may help build bridges.

If you show her that you are willing to meet her half way it may help smooth things over.

Alternatively, if you don't want to reach out, then that's OK: we do grow apart from friends and it may be that this one has run its course.

Either way, good luck.

catmiaow

pol-zeath wrote: »

OP I would guess you are late 20's early 30's ? My advice would be to move on and perhaps broaden your horizons alittle. This all sounds very petty and maybe your friend is enjoying a more relaxed happy go lucky friendship with her new friend.

No. A more relaxed friendship is unlikely she has major issues I have been told and is a major attention seeker. Of course she is stirring between us as well, so she isn't Snow White.