worried my friend is preparing to marry a gold digger and he's besotted with her.

duchy

fitnessguy1 wrote: »

i thought more people would be a bit more sympathetic of my concerns because i don't think it's right if she is golddigging. it is a big if, but like i said already the red flags are there and after a couple times meeting her it's the way she comes across which doesn't sit comfortably with me.

it could be months before he finds out for sure what her intentions are. i wouldn't admit any of my true thoughts about her to him. i have been vague about my thoughts to him, but if she proves me wrong then i will happily accept i made a mistake.

I'm guessing if he is buying her expensive presents , a decently priced engagement ring and can afford to buy a house without her financial help then he's not your usual lad who engages in punch ups outside a kebab house after closing time -and you have always had an awareness that he isn't short of a few bob-whether it is his own or his family's.

I also think you yourself tend to expect girls your social circle dates to not be brighter than you, less socially adept/confident and certainly not earn more than you do -or own their own property and this woman is all of these things. To you if that makes her "poor wife material" then you aren't aiming very high and can't understand why your friend wants a woman who is all those things.

I do wonder who put the idea into your friend's head that he shouldn't date her because she's attractive to other men ? Someone who is socially insecure maybe ?

I'd caution against gossiping to his mother - she'll likely tell him what you said after all he's her son and you are just his mate. She owes you no loyalty.

Maybe he is punching above his weight but not everyone sees that as a bad thing even if you do. He's just growing out of the mates phase and wanting to look to his future - and building a future -getting a mortgage, getting married and looking forward.

You on the other hand don't like her- Maybe because she isn't bothered either way what his friends think of her, maybe because he isn't so into lads nights out because he wants to spend time with her and you "blame " her for that. If you've being daft enough to tell his mother you think she sees other men - with no proof other than she's attractive (so in your head she MUST be cheating - can you not understand how insane that sounds ??) then it will get back to your mate- and he'll likely be reassessing your friendship -after all if he said things to you like that about a girl you were engaged to - you'd be wondering why a friend would do that too.

Keep your thoughts to yourself -if you are right then he'll find out in time- if you are wrong then you won't lose your friend when your gossip and unfounded accusations based purely on "feelings" and not on any facts turn out to be wrong.

If you and he are such close friends and they have been together for a year and are engaged - How come you've only met her twice btw ?

duchy

maman wrote: »

I'm still waiting to find out what's 'wife material'. I haven't missed it have I?:(

Don't think so - I'm sure you're not the only one

fierystormcloud

maman wrote: »

I'm still waiting to find out what's 'wife material'. I haven't missed it have I?:(

duchy wrote: »

Don't think so - I'm sure you're not the only one

You mean you don't know?!

'Wife material...'

IMO, what the OP means is...

Slim, demure, well dressed, long hair, little make-up, a lady in public but a **** in the bedroom, speaks only when she is spoken to, doesn't smoke, doesn't fart, doesn't swear, wears skirts all the time, (and heels,) wears corsets and stockings and suspenders, waits on her man hand and foot, subservient and mindful of her man's needs, does all the washing, cooking, shopping, and cleaning, doesn't talk back, waits on him (and his friends) hand and foot, never argues with his mother, never argues with him, never tries to out-do him in any career, always puts him before her friends and family, always looks after the kids, (gets up in the night to them as it's 'her' job,) but never put the kids before him, is always willing to hear his moans and complaints, is always ready to have sex whenever he requires it, and she absolutely must never: I mean NEVER gain weight!

I would wager that THIS ^^^ is the OP's definition of 'wife material.'

Whaddya reckon?! :cool:

Contains_Mild_Peril

I agree with most of what's been said in this thread. What do imagine would happen if you continued trying to convince him that you're right? Do you think he would change his mind about marriage just because other people think it's a bad idea? Do you know anyone who's called off a wedding based on their friends' feelings (not any actual facts that they don't already know) about their betrothed? If he is besotted and wants to marry her, I can virtually guarantee your concerns will not change that, but bad handling of the situation could jeopardise your friendship.
Some people have great relationships that look like a mismatch from the outside, while some have troubled relationships which look perfect to others. The couple involved are the only people really qualified to judge, and if one or both is making a mistake then it's their mistake to make. If you repeat your opinion too often you could make it harder for your friend to turn to you if it does go wrong, because even though I'm sure you wouldn't be cruel enough to say "I told you so" he may fear that you would think it.
I married after only a year of dating. Various relatives told me they thought he wasn't right for me, I could do better, and I should at least slow down and not rush into things, but I was in love and thought I knew best. The marriage ended in divorce, but I don't regret it because it also resulted in our wonderful son, and we're still friends.
Something similar happened with my best friend, and after I'd expressed my opinion that she'd be better to wait a while, I shut up about it because she is an adult who makes her own decisions and she wasn't going to change her mind. I celebrated with her at her wedding, treated her (now ex-)husband as a friend even though I never really liked him, and offered a shoulder to cry on when they split up (which happened about 3 times).

duchy

fierystormcloud wrote: »

You mean you don't know?!

'Wife material...'

IMO, what the OP means is...

Slim, demure, well dressed, long hair, little make-up, a lady in public but a **** in the bedroom, speaks only when she is spoken to, doesn't smoke, doesn't fart, doesn't swear, wears skirts all the time, (and heels,) wears corsets and stockings and suspenders, waits on her man hand and foot, subservient and mindful of her man's needs, does all the washing, cooking, shopping, and cleaning, doesn't talk back, waits on him (and his friends) hand and foot, never argues with his mother, never argues with him, never tries to out-do him in any career, always puts him before her friends and family, always looks after the kids, (gets up in the night to them as it's 'her' job,) but never put the kids before him, is always willing to hear his moans and complaints, is always ready to have sex whenever he requires it, and she absolutely must never: I mean NEVER gain weight!

I would wager that THIS ^^^ is the OP's definition of 'wife material.'

Whaddya reckon?! :cool:

And also works so there isn't too much stress on the husband to be exceptional in their career ?
Is happy never to go out on a Friday night as it's lad's night (and hubby wouldn't approve of her going out with her girlfriends -she might be noticed by other men and of course if another man gives her any attention it's inevitable her little head will be turned and she;ll cheat on him)

Actually I don't think the OP is that old - the only men I know who think like that hit puberty before 1980- and as the OP hangs out with his mate's Mum to gossip-and his mate lives at home -I sincerely hope he isn't nearly 50 !!

ecgirl07

Interesting thread, the op is concerned for his mate so his intentions are well meaning. Op should have reversed the sexes, he would have got very different responses.

Everyone has an idea of wife/husband material, thats why we marry the person.

In general the sterotype of wife/husband material would be someone ready to settle down, not someone who is still "living the single life" of pubs and clubs, someone who has a more mature outlook on life re work, money and future plans. Its pretty unfair to pick the op up on this.

paddy's_mum

In my view, if anyone has been unfair, it is the OP. He's only met the fiancee on two occasions and apparently knows next to nothing about her. My view about his defamation would be no different if the post had "reversed the sexes".

He has repeatedly used the biggest word in the English language and the word most often used by those who enjoy a bit of destruction and slander

IF

I suggest that a bucket full of character assassination, however "well meaning" needs a bit more evidence and a lot less malice.

burlington6

I think your friend has had a result OP.

She has her own house and he doesn't......and she's the gold digger?

If you think thats bad I've had friends marry women from countries on the other side of the world. Bring them here, breed like rabbits and claim benefit after benefit without ever working a day in this country.

She sounds like a winner

duchy

ecgirl07 wrote: »

Interesting thread, the op is concerned for his mate so his intentions are well meaning. Op should have reversed the sexes, he would have got very different responses.

Everyone has an idea of wife/husband material, thats why we marry the person.

In general the sterotype of wife/husband material would be someone ready to settle down, not someone who is still "living the single life" of pubs and clubs, someone who has a more mature outlook on life re work, money and future plans. Its pretty unfair to pick the op up on this.

If you believe the response if the sexes were reversed would be different you must have very different ideas about marriage or your friends do to mine.

The OP has made some fairly nasty accusations against a person (regardless of gender) claiming they are gold digging (despite the fact they own their own property and their intended doesn't ), that they are a cheat (solely based on the fact they are attractive) and that based on two meetings in a year they understand their personalities and motivation better than the person who has been in a committed relationship with them for a year. The OP clearly hasn't had a serious relationship themselves or is ridiculously jealous as all these assumptions seem to be in their head .
The fact that he has only met the girlfriend twice in the year the couple have been together does suggest to me that either the friendship is one the fianc! is distancing himself from as his priorities have changed or the fianc! knows his friend has some funny ideas about relationships and has deliberately kept them apart. As for the OP gossiping to the fiances mum .......any friend who slagged off my relationship to my Mum would be vastly overstepping boundaries .

All of these have nothing to do with gender though and would apply equally to either sex.

getmore4less

Something I may have missed,

When you are socializing with them, where is your woman(if you have one)?

Some bromance type relationships need to transition to a couples relationship when one gets a partner, you go out as mates(continue the bromance) or as couples and not solo tagging onto couple.

They way to get to the bottom of this is get more women in the socializing group.