The Spreadsheet Diva's MF Diary

SueP19

Moneyfordreams wrote: »

Don't know if this will help,

When I had a stressful job, I broke down things in my head to scores...
" 3 out of 5 ....oooo could have done a bit better there, next time i'll change to include!!"
or
"that's fantastic 10 out of 10 for that one"

think that week was 95%... I'm doing it now in my new job, when the learning seems overwhelming

By the end of the week it was never that bad... a few negative in a sea of positives... Focusing on positives is psychologically more motivating.

My husband knew things had to change in our roles so I backed off from the shopping and the housekeeping and said he could do it... to be fair I was working more hours and him less so more balanced. But it also meant he was the buyer... if he wanted specific things he can get them. his treats.

Give back responsibility to your family.. listen but don't put it on your shoulders.. its their lives.. Personally I would do one either the talk!!! you know.. sit down, explain, say how you are breaking inside and how you need to heal and want their support.....
or the other way would be la..la..la.. i'm not listening to you anymore and it's may way or the highway

Think I've done both versions

I try to find positive things all the time :D

My aim is to make OH more responsible but the situation is very fragile.................for example, he gets home, I say "hay...." before I have even said the second word his body goes rigid and he swings round saying "what" in a defensive aggressive mode.

The other day he rang while I was emptying the washer, because he couldn't hear me he fell out with me and was nasty all night, it can be such tiny things that tip him.

In terms of sitting him down and telling him I am mentally had it, I know he would get very angry, he would tell me that "it's alright for me" that "I don't have any problems".....................that's the all consuming grief talking in him. Another downside to that would be having to explain why last year nearly broke me and as I see it that would be the end of his and DD's relationship.

If, and I have, say my way mate, I am accused of developing an attitude and changing, so you see it is always redirected back at me to my fault or my problem........................now you know why I am so angry with my GP's surgery.

The above is not meant to be negative, it's just the facts

Karmacat

But you *are* changing, Sue, you *want* to change. He's using that as a negative, but its not.

Part of bullying is re-interpretation of the facts to suit the one doing the bullying ... please remember that.

greent

I have nothing I can add, Sue, I just didn't want to read and run xx

SueP19

Karmacat wrote: »

But you *are* changing, Sue, you *want* to change. He's using that as a negative, but its not.

Part of bullying is re-interpretation of the facts to suit the one doing the bullying ... please remember that.

That my dear Karma is perfectly true, if you add depression which is the epitome of self indulgence, you have him

I am changing or more to the point I am doing things "my way" the way I have wanted to do things all these years and not been allowed to.

I have done the sums and it is feasible to be DF and MF by December 2020, when I will be 54. I am holding onto that with a passion, it gives me 12 years to stash for retirement :T

SueP19

greent wrote: »

I have nothing I can add, Sue, I just didn't want to read and run xx

That's ok, just knowing I can post and someone is reading is heartwarming :D

Moneyfordreams

Does he need to know micro details to DD, or general "life is a struggle at the mo" kind of thing?

We can't change people but you can change how you respond, Does he get threatened by your strength?

He has a responsible job, Driving ? He can be applauded for that, but his behaviour driving, should carry through to the home. He seems to have taught your daughter its ok to shout at you and its not.

Your strength at getting through the last years, should boost both of you.. Has he had grief counselling?

Sorry this seems personal.. But if it's a bullying tactic to use reverse psychology then I would try it back.. Aren't we great.. we've struggled this year/2/3 etc, but we've come out of the other side, grown a well educated daughter and its rebuild time.. as KC said communication, building blocks.. pat each other on the backs for all you have achieved ....rebuilding takes time.. little efforts go a long way.. I suppose the shedding anger and blame needs to be first ..

I used to tell my daughters I wanted peace for xmax/birthdays... now we have control peace has come .

mrsp1987

Sue, I really wish I could say something that would help you in this situation but I don't have any pearls of wisdom in this.
Like Karmacat said you are changing and that in itself is a positive step. Make sure you don't lose track of that and remember you are doing this for yourself because you want to. That's a slice of independence right there.
I'm always keeping an eye on your diary and even if I don't know what to say I'm thinking of you xxx

SueP19

Moneyfordreams wrote: »

Does he need to know micro details to DD, or general "life is a struggle at the mo" kind of thing?

We can't change people but you can change how you respond, Does he get threatened by your strength?

He has a responsible job, Driving ? He can be applauded for that, but his behaviour driving, should carry through to the home. He seems to have taught your daughter its ok to shout at you and its not.

Your strength at getting through the last years, should boost both of you.. Has he had grief counselling?

Sorry this seems personal.. But if it's a bullying tactic to use reverse psychology then I would try it back.. Aren't we great.. we've struggled this year/2/3 etc, but we've come out of the other side, grown a well educated daughter and its rebuild time.. as KC said communication, building blocks.. pat each other on the backs for all you have achieved ....rebuilding takes time.. little efforts go a long way.. I suppose the shedding anger and blame needs to be first ..

I used to tell my daughters I wanted peace for xmax/birthdays... now we have control peace has come .

It is very much a need to know basis, I have known him deal well with major drama (he expects the worst all the time) and badly with the tiniest things.
Never occurred to me he would be threatened by me but I do think he resents it

No grief counselling have been given at any point in our lives or been offered

I have tried the "phew" line, in fact just recently over car repairs, he just dismisses it, ignores it, at other times he has taken it as a sign we are loaded so he bombards me with why he needs this thing or why we have to replace that. I have tried the pat on the back routine many times too, he just harps on about life will kick us soon enough anyway so don't get to excited. Have also tried the I need you help/advice/opinion mode. I have to choose my moments because he can react great but 80% of the time it is met with anger. Everything is a yes but.............

He was angry when I met him 29 years ago, he masked it for a few years but since then with every passing event/death he has got worse.

He is ill, I know that, physically ill too.

mrsp1987 wrote: »

Sue, I really wish I could say something that would help you in this situation but I don't have any pearls of wisdom in this.
Like Karmacat said you are changing and that in itself is a positive step. Make sure you don't lose track of that and remember you are doing this for yourself because you want to. That's a slice of independence right there.
I'm always keeping an eye on your diary and even if I don't know what to say I'm thinking of you xxx

Thanks x

SueP19

This is a text I have just had with DD on the subject of our supposed visit rearranged from last Saturday, this was arranged before we discovered the belt sent by the car shop was wrong one, which will need to be fitted.

Me "......not got a clue about Saturday I have the new belt but it's fitting it"

DD "Last time I'm inviting you"

Me "Enough you hurt me on Saturday. Ur dad tried to replace belt on Sunday but shop sent wrong one. I got a replacement on Monday but it's not up to me when it's done"

DD "I hurt you??? You treat me like everyone else and couldn't be arsed to say whether your coming or not, f**k off blaming me or turning it round on me"

ME "Yes I was very hurt as I felt so ill. I still don't feel right. As for the car I'll suggest to ur dad we go in the vectra but I doubt he will want to but I'm not to blame for that"

DD "Very hurt how about this finding out your parents don't want to see you. Then the week prior to this BF's parents show up without any issue funny that. Oh and the week before being told oh dad won't like it if they keep coming round same weekend he won't to come round. Well enough it's not for me to put out the red carpet for the correct conditions just to encourage you to see your daughter ok. FYI you should have thought about the vectra already but you didn't ."

Karmacat

Oh my. Yes, your OH has taught your daughter to bully you. Sadly, Sue, if you accept that sort of insult from someone, they keep doing it.

"Dont talk that way to me" comes to mind