Daughter stopping me seeing my grandson unless I pay her

moneyistooshorttomention

Considering just how illogical the actions of the majority of people can be some of the time - then its understandable that it could go to the extent of having a phobia. One can see how a major road accident could cause someone to decide not to travel in a car ever again - and perhaps extend that out to "Trains have wheels too and they also have accidents". We've all read tales of train derailments. Most of us get through our lives by telling ourselves "X won't happen to me" even if we know its happened to a heck of a lot of other people (whether its because we believe we wouldn't be that unlucky and/or a "guide/guardian angel" would give us advance warning to avoid it).

I can see that only feeling able to travel by canal boat would lead to a pretty restrictive life - even if living in a city centre. So I guess OP knows this isn't logical - but her mind isn't able to argue her emotions into "behaving themselves" so to say.

I've never heard of a canal boat accident (though I could mention a few incidents a friend and I clocked-up between us when we had a canal holiday once:o) - but nothing "major" is likely to happen to a canal boat basically.

Mojisola

Chica_Cherry_Cola wrote: »

My fear of driving has been with me since 2001. I was involved in a fatal RTC. Since then, I have not been able to make a journey on the road. I have suffered from PTSD, depression and generalised anxiety disorder. My husband did try one time to take me in the car, and I had a panic attack within half a mile. I have had counselling. What has become apparent is, I won't ever drive again as long as I live.

Wouldn't it make more sense to live in a town where you can get around easily without using a car?

McKneff

(Text removed by MSE Forum Team)

Write to you daughter telling her that you are upset that she has
chosen the path that she has and that if she carries her threat out, that you will either leave all your worldy goods to your grandson to get when he is 30 or leave it all to the dogs home.

susancs

Mojisola wrote: »

Wouldn't it make more sense to live in a town where you can get around easily without using a car?

OP, probably can get by without using a car in her village. My DH's aunt sold her London home and moved to a small village. We all though she was mad at the time, but she is in walking distance of most of what she needs as there is a supermarket, postoffice/newsagents, church and church hall, three pubs who do meals, a sandwich/coffee bar and a fish and chip shop, even a dairy farm shop. She does online orders for anything else she needs. She has lots of lovely neighbours and there are lots of things on at the local village hall that she goes to (plant and cake sales and farmers produce events, as well as bingo, Christmas craft events).

OP, I do feel for you as it is so sad that your DD feels such as sense of entitlement in regard to your property and money, especially as you say she is able to support herself and her child. It is your property and if you want to get rent paid in kind by having someone act as a kind of bodyguard, then that is your business and no-one elses. I think it is very unkind of her to try to blackmail you as she has done. She should really get a grip on that having a kind and caring Mum in her life is more important. It has been a sad year in our family with several deaths and a couple of my cousins are spending their first Christmas without their Mum. One of them said to me that they would give so much of what they had to be able to spend one more Christmas with their Mum.

Could you maybe work over Christmas in the pub so you are not on your own? If you can at all, try not to let your DD see just how much she has upset you, as if you can do this, she looses her power over you. Let her know she is welcome to spend Christmas with you, but you respect her decision not to do so and hope that you will get to see her sometime over the Christmas period to give her and your grandchild their gifts. Send her nice Christmas cards in the post.

FBaby

Pollycat wrote: »

Yes - and one would think the OP would have included that very important piece of information in her posts - rather than going into detail about 'the bald, fat man' and the '25 year old kick-boxer' as the daughter's expectations about receiving the income from the letting of the annexe are key to the issue.

Indeed, that's what makes this thread odd, a bit like OP feels she needs to justify herself for her reason to rent the place free, probably the same rationale she used with her daughter.

A potential reason that could have left OP's daughter believe she would be entitled to some of the rental is that it was part of the arrangement through the divorce. Maybe OP's ex agreed on the 30/70 arrangement on the basis that the daughter would get revenue. Maybe ex told his daughter, but OP is now saying that it is her house and she can do what she wants, which of course would be true, but could explain the resentment and why her daughter is choosing to spend Christmas with her dad rather than her mum.

Pollycat

FBaby wrote: »

Indeed, that's what makes this thread odd, a bit like OP feels she needs to justify herself for her reason to rent the place free, probably the same rationale she used with her daughter.

A potential reason that could have left OP's daughter believe she would be entitled to some of the rental is that it was part of the arrangement through the divorce. Maybe OP's ex agreed on the 30/70 arrangement on the basis that the daughter would get revenue. Maybe ex told his daughter, but OP is now saying that it is her house and she can do what she wants, which of course would be true, but could explain the resentment and why her daughter is choosing to spend Christmas with her dad rather than her mum.

Quite possible scenarios - but why then didn't the OP put this in her first post?

Unless she wanted to paint herself the victim and her daughter as the villain.....

But if that is the case, what is the point of joining a public forum presumably to ask for advice and then misrepresenting the situation?

DigForVictory

Families.
Exes.
Offspring.

Then add money? Near-instant explosions.

My heart goes out to OP - to have the delight of a grandchild being used as casually as a poker chip? By your Own Daughter?
Well, anyone who has heard a father trying to maintain contact through the courts knows it isn't easy & in this case the grandchild appears to be either pre-speech, or
effectively gagged. Possibly both?

Whatever the nuances of who feels they are entitled to what or why, denial of access to offspring is petty & I'd hope the daughter gets an earful from her father. A divorce doesn't mean you have or can issue a get-out-of-decent-behaviour chit to Anyone. A point I think her father will appreciate & may be in a better position to put over. Tuck a notelet along those lines in his Christmas card?

Me, I'd jump into work over Christmas, barely see my house other than to sleep & use the extra income (whether "needed" or not) to fund an exploration of possible avenues with a solicitor. Revise your Will, with detailed letter. Have a second version, equally valid, ready to sign if matters improve notably.
And send her a letter explaining exactly what you are doing & why.
You are entitled to leave your entire estate to the local animal sanctuary if you leave a sufficiently detailed explanatory letter, so if your graceless daughter has any pecuniary hopes, she can darn well buck her ideas up.
Plus if your health & strength remain (& I hope they do) your grandchild may seek you out, out of curiosity.

All the very best of luck & I hope this Christmas passes relatively calmly.

MarieMac_2

I think your phobia might have more to do with this than is being let on since from the sounds of it, your fears are not only effecting your life negatively but your family's as well.

How do you meet up with your daughter/grandchild? If you won't even get into any vehicle or public transport, I'm assuming she either lives within walking distance of your house or she always has to bring him to you in order to accommodate your phobia? It seems that before plans changed she was supposed to come to your house rather than you go to theirs for Christmas.

I ask because notice you said she 'has stopped you seeing him" rather than "she will not allow me to see him". How has she stopped you - has she actually said that you are no longer welcome into their home or is it that she will not bring him to you? If she is always the one doing all the work in getting him to you then I can see where she would be very frustrated indeed & might be asking for the money in acknowledgement of the extra effort/expense.

Anther thing that occurs to me - is your daughter perhaps living in a area more expensive area than she would normally chose to in order to live closer to you so that you do not have to drive? Again if so, I can see where she might have asked for the money if she perhaps cannot afford the area easily and is only living there in order to make things easier on you.

Or did she give you some type of support throughout the divorce that she now expects to be repaid? These are all plausible reasons I can think of why she would have asked for the money. And the fact that when it first came up you said you would think about giving it to her makes me think there was some reason to justify her original request.

Also, it sounds as if you are not currently being treated for your PTSD/phobia? I know you said you recieved some help but for something this severe you really should be receiving ongoing therapy.
I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but problems like yours only get worse without significant ongoing support & expecting other people to work around them is unreasonable. It could be that your daughter is trying to convince you to get help by withholding the one thing (your grandson) that she thinks might be more important to you than your phobia. Not always effective but if she has been accommodating your irrational fears since 2001 and nothing has improved she might have realized she can no longer work her & her sons life around your issues.

burnoutbabe

I'm just trying to imagine it taking 3 weeks to move via Canal Boat? how does that work? how did the house get viewed before buying? surely one would send ones goods via a normal van and then work out how to get their one's self there (train i suppose).

moneyistooshorttomention

There is a logical answer to how to buy a house without viewing it - ie those firms that will go househunting for someone. I don't know what they charge/how good they are/whether OP is in that income bracket to be able to afford them.

The other logical answer is that maybe OP knows the area from the past and is so well-acquainted with it that she might be prepared to buy a house without viewing it. I still scan Rightmove occasionally for a variety of areas and keep an eye on the sort of houses I like in the areas of my Home City I like. With knowing it very well indeed I could quite definitely pick out what houses it would be worth my while to investigate from the other end of a computer screen. So any unexpected large upturn in my finances would result in careful study of Rightmove for a few hours, followed by a phonecall to a friend there arranging when they would go and view the houses I had picked out for me.

Its not rocket science.

It's not difficult to buy a house from afar.

Its astonishing just how easy it is in many ways. Do your research and you can work out which are the good and bad areas/figure out flooding risk/get a pretty good idea of the average standard of housing and the "regional tastes" in the area being considered/etc. You can have already decided exactly where you will be doing your shopping/where you will be making any new friends you need/you name it....and the internet will tell you a lot of what you need to know.