How to get my brother to move out

BigAunty

misterzim wrote: »

There have been suicide threats before, most recently after the breakup of his previous relationship.


He is scarily possessive over his GF's, as his previous GF opened my eyes to. We have had advice from GP's / Mental Health Dept. to ignore the threats and focus on positive communications with him.

Oh,dear. It wasn't clear in your previous posts that your brother may have emotional/psychological/mental health issues.

I haven't read a suicide advice website for awhile but I got the impression that they urge friends and family not to ignore throwaway negative remarks.

Obviously it's going to hard to make a judgement call on this.

Do you think he truly feels despondant or do you think he's a bit prone to sobstories to get his own way?

I had a former friend who always gloomy about relationships, work, finances. I bent over backwards to do things to try to make her apparently horrible life easier. When we had a tiff and I stepped back, my eyes were opened to how she manufactured sympathy in her friends and family so we would do everything for her.

She basically outsourced her domestic activities to all and sundry and subsidise her. One person would be writing her CV, another repairing her flat, someone donating furniture, another fixing her car, someone else printing her photos, another paying for a trip, her relatives paying off her debts, another gifting a mobile, another repairing her PC.

She made out she was incapable of doing any simple thing, including (and I'm not making this up), changing a lightbulb - she watched me do it. I remember slogging doing stuff for her and thinking 'But she isn't working at the moment and is spending her time on Match.com and going out every night, going on long haul holidays I can't afford, why am I doing this sort of thing for a healthy, grown up woman?'

To spend 5 minutes in her company, you would think everyone was against her and her life was a misery. I don't think the sobstories were conscious fibs, just that she had this kind of 'learned helplessness' thing, a pattern where she was stuck in where subconsciously she knew that if she did a 'damsel in distress' thing, a knight would appear.

misterzim

Your friend sounds very similar to my brother in their actions but it's only ever money that he uses us all for. He only ever mentions life not being worth living when I've mentined him moving out or at the end of a relationship. This is his sob story to keep us bailing him out. I don't have full proof but our Mum keeps giving him little bits of money here and there and buys him new clothes monthly!

He will only, seemingly, come home when family visit us if there is a free meal on offer - not a homemade meal however, but a takeaway. Once he finishes his last mouthful he makes his excuses and leaves! If there is no mention of a takeaway he doesn't come?

He has come home today to give himself some space from his GF only to find 2 letters from his car insurance company (he bought one on finance about a month ago as he really did need a new vehicle) telling him they've cancelled his insurance due to him not sending them his proof of no claims on time and charged a £50 cancellation fee - it just keeps getting better!!!

Gigervamp

Why can't he stay at your parents?

itsanne

Gigervamp wrote: »

Why can't he stay at your parents?

Why should a parent have him?

Gigervamp

itsanne wrote: »

Why should a parent have him?

Not saying they should, but OP offered their home, so wondered if there was a reason he didn't try his parents.

You would think that most people would ask to stay at their parents, rather than a siblings if they were made homeless.

silverwhistle

misterzim wrote: »

"I'm just going to live in my car"

"I've got a spare sleeping bag you can have". No need to be completely unsympathetic...

Mind you, from what you said about suicide threats maybe ne needs counselling? He certainly needs being sat down and asked how he's going to sort things out once you've chucked him out...

marleyboy

When my Brother stayed on my sofa whilst getting back on his feet. After a Year I decided it was time he sorted himself out. The hint was easy enough, I agreed to help him in looking for a place to live, we then spent a few weeks looking for a flat for him.

If he is not quite ready for moving in with his girlfriend, that is his decision that you have no say in. but you do have say in your own home.

As there is no law that states he can ONLY move in with his girlfriend, there are plenty of flats\bedsits available for him to settle into in the meantime.

misterzim

My Mum lives in a tiny one bedroom flat and my Dad lives 150miles away so both aren't an option.


I've helped him look for accommodation before and I'll pick the cheapest (within reason) flat/house share because that's what he can afford but he will always end up picking something more expensive and getting himself further into debt (overdraft mainly).


We're not saying he SHOULD move in with his GF but as he sleeps there about 28 nights out of every month then why not just admit it and do it.


He has had counselling before and he refuses to have it again. We have tried to get him to speak to someone professional about debt management but he won't listen. I have a budget spread sheet and have set several up for him over the years but to no avail - he doesn't have the forethought or patience to use it even though it would benefit him massively!!!

anotherdebtor

If he's putting pressure you you to continue to allow him to use your address, then it seems like his girlfriend is unhappy with the idea of him officially moving in.

Four months isnt a long relationship to be moving in together, especially if it involves children. He might be staying there frequently, but the difference is that if they need a bit of space then he has somewhere to go.

Not only that but it would play havoc with her finances. His financials dont seem to be great (although to be fair, they dont seem disasterous either, he has work, is paying back the loan etc) and I'd suspect that she is nervous that if he moves in she suddenly becomes financially dependent on someone who is ....flakey.

I'd suggest an honest talk with your brother, he's a bit crap but he's not all bad and seems to be muddling through in his own way.

The one thing that worries me is your mention towards him being possessive around his girlfriend. She;s a single mother, reliant on state support and probably under heavy pressure to let him move in.

I'd be wary of the "oh well, you stay there anyway, you might as well move in"n approach as that would only increase the pressure on her to take him in.

heuchera

Has he actually been diagnosed as having depression or mental health problems?