Is it normal to become bored and fed up with a relationship?

balletshoes

Caleb11 wrote: »

I will hang on until we move home. We have had serious chats and he promises to change. Promises to split money so I have my own money. Promises to work less. Said he regrets making me feel bAd for going out for dinner. The list goes on. He's willing to change it all but I just don't think it will change / feel my feelings are gone. I struggle to want to be intimiate With him.

The problem is that I have a house in our old location. It's up for sale and I was going to buy another house (all in my name as he has a bad credit history from when his parents died - not all his fault his dad was an alcoholic and used his credit card to fund his habit). Anyway the house I have at the moment is affordable if I were single. And the money in it is all mine (my partner could take the savings in bank account and we would be "even"). If we sell the house - which he really wants to do - and buy a bigger more expensive house, it becomes unaffordable for me as a single parent and it would need to be sold to split the money.

The house is up for sale and the plan was to buy a new house before moving back. But now I don't want to. And he isn't happy to move back unless we sell that house and buy a bigger house and said "I'm stringing him along" and that it's unfair to him as I am making a "get out plan". But I'm unhappy and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to sell the affordable house to buy an unaffordable house and then we split up. I just feel so confused.

I can't see a logical reason why he would insist on buying a bigger house before you move back? Whats his reason? Surely its easier to move "home" to the house you already have, and then start househunting when you're in the same area? He sounds insecure, and maybe he has reason, but I wouldn't give in on this point.

justme111

I was just typing :"has sex life gone ?" when you typed your last post.
I would tell him straight - that you are not going to see that house because you are considering splitting as you are unhappy. That you have not decided yet as you hope it could be saved.
My bet would be nothing will change in him apart from him becoming even more difficult to deal with. In the meantime you build the normal life for yourself - with interests, friends , time away from him. Then you will see situation different , you will be different, he will become different as a result and it will be obvious where this relationship goes.

Caleb11

Please delete

Mojisola

Caleb11 wrote: »

His reasons -

He feels like we are taking a "step back". We both can afford a bigger better house. The house is small and would be cramped but at the moment I just want to be home so I don't care.

Also my son is starting school next year and the schools in the catchment areas aren't great.

I understand these. But I just don't want to regret it and in a way I see that housr as a safety net for me (selfishly).

Your reasons are better than his reasons.

You always have the option to move back without him.

marisco_2

My gut reaction to your post is that the problems in your relationship go way beyond being bored and fed up. Hate to say it but relocating and being closer to family and friends wont change the dynamics of it either. Could you be as honest with your partner as you have been with us about how being with him makes you feel. Lay your cards on the table and get it all out in the open? If not then it's over because you will just continue to tip toe around huge issues.

justme111

So when you do things that you want to do (and which are no lies or appropriation of anybody's property) you are selfish. Let me guess - when you doing things he wants you are a good girl , eh?

harrys_nan

A lot of your posts worry me, I think he is trying to control you, but quietly.
You are young and to live your life like this doesn't bode well for the future.
You do need to sit down and have a good talk to him, tell him exactly how you feel, do not sell the house just yet, you do have somewhere else to go if needed You must talk though, nothing can be solved by not talking.

FBaby

I think it is very common indeed and in your case, I think you are trapped in a relationship where he feels the pressure of having to support his family and you feel the pressure of doing everything to please others rather than focusing on yourself. This leads to resentment, which leads to emotionally and then physically removing yourself from each other, which lead to questioning how much you enjoy sharing your life together.

What you need to do is start thinking of what you want to do in life if being a wife and mum isn't enough to bring you happiness. Do you need to have some goals to achieve to feel contented? If so, are you doing so? It doesn't have to be planning a successful career, just little things that will boost your self-esteem. When you feel better about yourself, you will less emotionally reliant on your OH and certainly become more assertive which will counteract his controlling tendencies.

If you really want to save your relationship, you will also need to make some quality time together. I think many couples end up separating because they get caught into the pressure of duties and responsibilities and put their relationship at the back burner. Even the most loving couples need some time focusing only on themselves. It's amazing how even just a day spend just the two together can rekindled feelings that seemed to have been dead for some time. It's not easy to make the effort to arrange it, and it is dangerous when the relationship is at that stage where each think it is the responsibility of the other to do, but ultimately, few relationships remain happy without the need to make a special effort once in a while.

TopQuark

Hello OP,


From reading your posts, I don't think its the changes you have gone through together that are causing your feelings. To give you my own example, myself and OH (who French) have been together 9 years, have lived in 5 different countries (two of them in the far east, the rest in Europe), lived apart (overseas) on and off for 2-3 years according to our jobs, had 2 parents go through cancer and another a heart attack and quadruple bypass (all while in different countries to us and each other), got married and are now expecting a baby in January. None of these things weakened us, they have all made us stronger.


I am ten years older than you and I cannot imagine at 34, let alone 24, feeling trapped in a relationship where I am no longer in love with, nor physically or emotionally attracted to my other half. The balance of cons outweighs the pros, from your descriptions of the situation. You have discussed it previously and said he is willing to change, but will he? And even if he does, your feelings are already gone? It is time to move on. Don't sell your old house, move back there and make your own life. Life is just too short to waste years on a person when your heart is not really in it. Good luck.

heartbreak_star

Bit of a leftfield response here, but have you considered that losing the baby hurt him as well and his response has been to withdraw?

He knows you're making a get-out plan, and probably feels like he has no way to stop it so figures "why bother".

Are you stringing him along - why haven't you made the break yet if that is what you know you want?

Look at you as a couple, at him and also at yourself.

I really feel for you both as I've been trapped in a relationship (albeit no children involved) and I hope you manage to sort things out one way or another.

Big hugs and good luck!

HBS x