Is it normal to become bored and fed up with a relationship?

Mojisola

joyousjohnboy wrote: »

As a couple we will experience Ups and Downs, but everything has a solution. Do not conclude that it is the end of your relationship. Make ways to solve it or talk about it. Communication is one of the keys to a happiness. When you are in a conversation, don't blame him for what happened, instead honestly tell him that you also made some mistakes about what's really going on in your relationship. Express your feelings, but in a calm voice

Have you read the thread at all?

Piercedmrsp

Oh Caleb, what a time of it you've been having! I've read the whole thread and some of what I was thinking has already been covered but here's my 10p worth, just in case it helps.

He is, or at least has been until very recently, controlling you beyond what anyone might find acceptable in a relationship. No-one would think twice about someone checking things with their partner - my husband checks I don't kind him spending the evening with his friends for example, but more to let me know than to ask my permission. I know he'll stay if I ask him to but 99% of the time I wouldn't stop him going out because we both have to have our own social time. Asking for receipts and expecting you to account for your spending when you have your own income is absolutely out of order and definitely an alarm bell ringer.

He is also exerting emotional control over you and using emotional blackmail to try to control you. Issuing you with ultimatums is a prime example of this. This is incredibly damaging to both relationship and your own spirit even if it's well meant, and I'm not convinced it is in his case. Perhaps his need to control stems from his childhood and losing his parents young, perhaps it's how he sees or thinks colleagues manage their families - whatever the reason it is not an acceptable way to behave and you've been right to call him on it. It's quite possible he didn't realise, or chose to ignore, how he was behaving but that is not an excuse once it's been brought to his attention.

With the house, and bear in kind I'm going back a decade to when I covered property law at uni, if it is entirely in your name and the mortgage is in your name then arguably he does not have any right to it in a legal sense. He may have paid some of the deposit but unless he registered this as a charge against the property (thereby protecting his investment as a mortgagee would) this would be viewed as a gift, particularly given the social relationship between you. You are not married so it is not a joint asset, and there is no such thing as "common law" marriage. Thee are cases where a trust has been implied with property because one partner worked while the other made non- financial contributions such as caring for children but crucially these were only where the partners were married and had been for a long time. In short, legally I very much doubt he has a claim to the property. Morally you may wish to pay him back what he has put in Hut this is up to you both to work out.

It sounds like things have reached a head and are now on hiatus until you are able to move. perhaps this is a time to give him the chance to demonstrate he has changed, although a month surely isn't enough time to be certain the change is permanent. It's also time for you both to reflect on the past and concentrate on what your needs and wants are for the future. This may coincide or it may not and there is no shame in either result. You are not on this earth solely to make him happy any more than he is you and the bottom line is sometimes relationships break down and people get hurt. However, people also get over it and move on. Don't try to be a martyr to keeping him happy at the expense of your own needs because you'll end up resenting him further and this is unfair on you both.

Remember you're both young and have known only each other as adult partners. I know from experience it is horrible to come to the end of a long term relationship as an adult which started as a teenager and be scared about what is out there. It's ok, it's perfectly natural, but if you do split up there are other nice people out there for you both to meet, people who compliment you more than you do each other. I thought my romantic life was over when I split with my boyfriend of almost 7yrs when I was the same age you are (no kids though). I've now been reasonably happily married to someone very different for 3.5yrs and I'm actually glad I didn't marry the other chap (who is now also married and I'm very happy for him). Hubby and I have our issues - no one is perfect! - but he's the right person for me despite those issues. The boyfriend from my teens wasn't as we grew to be very different adults.

Sorry, this has ended up being a hideously long post! I'll sum up by wishing you luck and wishing you well whatever you decide to do. It's ok to be selfish sometimes as long as those times its over something that matters. Remember that.

Take care hun *weird Internet hugs*

Mrs_pbradley936

Some women like to be controlled. It makes them feel cared for and feminine. My son's ex was like that - she needed high doses of drama and emotion in order to feel loved.

duchy

Mrs_pbradley936 wrote: »

Some women like to be controlled. It makes them feel cared for and feminine. My son's ex was like that - she needed high doses of drama and emotion in order to feel loved.

What on earth are you on about ?

Enjoying drama is one thing
Allowing some control freak to abuse you emotionally is something else entirely.

I'd be very concerned if my son was trying to control his partner- regardless of his excuses why he did it !!

Lunar_Eclipse

No, sadly I don't think these are normal feelings. But then I can only talk from my experience.

The downs, in my experience, are things being less harmonious, more irritating or dull, not as major as you describe.

I've been with my husband 25 years (we're mid 40's) and I've never fallen out of love with him or not been attracted to him. Sometimes he irritates me, or I get frustrated by his lack of "help" domestically, but respect and independence (as opposed to a dominating, controlling partner) has always been there.

Partners/spouses should be a team and whilst I acknowledge there are many variations of what a successful relationship looks like, the key aspect is both partners being happy with it.

I would wait and see what the move 'back home' brings, but perhaps use it to discuss some changes you need to see.

leebrads76

My partner has just separated with me after 10 years together, we had two children less than a year apart who are now 3 and 4 and our relationship started to get stale after this period, we basically had a two year period of no time for each other which has slowly got worse, my partner told me how she felt for the past 18 months and like an idiot I just buried my head in sand and now its over and I will now not see my children every day of my life which is heart breaking. All I would say is that if you are unhappy you need to sit down and talk things through or go to counselling because if I had done that I truly believe me and my ex could of worked things out. Often its circumstances that can cause the rifts and if left the animosity and resentment can begin to build which is not good for anyone

Guest101

I think it’s all well and good saying that this behaviour isn’t acceptable etc. – which to the people who write it, it isn’t acceptable.
But we do need to consider a number of points.
We aren’t all the same, are a species we have very different preferences – sexually, emotionally, physically, financially…
It’s great saying controlling relationships are bad. However we poke fun at men who are ‘under the thumb’ – which really is no different. This stereotype is often portrayed as a negative, but it would short-sighted to suggest this is always the case.
Plenty of people like to feel controlled. It’s a safety net for some, for others it’s leaving their comfort zone. It’s not gender specific, and it’s not wrong.
For example: If I was not sensible with money, this would be a lacking in my personality; it would therefore be a desirable trait in a partner.
What is wrong is when the relationship isn’t a happy one. That is what it comes down to ultimately.
Ultimately we as a society exchange certain freedoms for security. A relationship isn’t so different. It might be that one party gives up their career to look after offspring whilst the other provides financial security (for example).
As long as there is communication and ‘consent’ then this is fine. Two parties working towards the same goals.
So I suppose in this example, does the OP needs control because she is not very good with financial matters? Has she given up some of that freedom of spending in exchange for the financial security provided by the partner? Was she happy with this arrangement at the beginning? And has she effectively communicated with her partner that this is no longer the case? (well that’s one aspect).
The going out: Is the OP unable to control herself when in drink? Has her partner been hurt by this in the past? Has she given up her freedom to go out in exchange for this relationship? Have things changed now?

BigAunty

Yes, I'd also like to know if the OP a spendthrift drunk who likes to have her social freedom restricted....

Guest101

BigAunty wrote: »

Yes, I'd also like to know if the OP a spendthrift drunk who likes to have her social freedom restricted....

You missed my point entirely.

Let me try again. When in a committed relationship we give up the freedom to sleep with anyone we choose, for the commitment of one person.

Can't expect to sleep around and still get that commitment, its a compromise.

So really the question to be asked is:

Has the OP given up some of the freedoms of drinking and splashing money in exchange for security in form of a home, car etc etc.

You don't have to agree. But in my opinion life is a series of contracts and compromises.

For all we know the OP has accepted that she can't do something's but instead gets a number of others which most only dream of.

That is no longer working but then there must be compromise again: give and take on both sides, not cake and eat it.

I might be wrong but my point is aimed at wider than this singular situation.

Caleb11

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