Money Moral Dilemma: Is it OK to let my rich friends pay for me?

Newly_retired

I once had some friends, a couple older than us, who were so generous with their hospitality. Usually in their own home, but occasionally out, they invited hard-up or hard-pressed younger friends to stay or to come for a meal, or would babysit or take the kids to the zoo, or whatever. They wanted nothing in return, and those who benefited from their generosity were in no position to return the kindness.
If some better off people want to be generous, then accept it occasionally, with gratitude. But not to make a habit of it. Mix with other friends who are in your income bracket.

Mr_Costcutter

If your friends wish to pay for you, then accept their act of generosity in the knowledge that they value your friendship and wish to spend time with you. In return you may be able to think of ways of repaying their kindness which doesn't impact upon your financial situation.

Lily-Rose_3

pollypenny wrote: »

Never.

We had this with a friend who was well off when we were hard up. We'd always pay our way, to the point that we had to stop going out with them and the friendship faded away,

Jagraf wrote: »

Money does strange things to people - I should know after just coming out of so much debt even the wannabe debt free board would struggle to keep up . This was due to a number of life experiences including divorce etc etc etc.

Before having debt, I would have said yep, I'm not bothered who pays, where I go, money is no issue either way, and shouldn't be for anyone else.

When it hits you hard, and you spend years and years in turmoil, you look at money differently. You think differently, and you learn about money. You learn how it can be good, evil, how it manipulates friendships, how it sees people homeless. You spend years keeping the wolf from the door, being answerable to creditors, feeling inferior, money, or lack of it, becomes your enemy.

In my experience its best to pay your own way.

Newly_retired wrote: »

I once had some friends, a couple older than us, who were so generous with their hospitality. Usually in their own home, but occasionally out, they invited hard-up or hard-pressed younger friends to stay or to come for a meal, or would babysit or take the kids to the zoo, or whatever. They wanted nothing in return, and those who benefited from their generosity were in no position to return the kindness.
If some better off people want to be generous, then accept it occasionally, with gratitude. But not to make a habit of it. Mix with other friends who are in your income bracket.

Petra_70 wrote: »

Well I would definitely not let ANYbody fund me. I am no charity case, and would not ever want to be beholden to someone, who will possibly throw it back in my face at some time in the future, or 'expect' something from me, if my financial situation improved, and theirs got worse.

I would also feel that they had some kind of hold on me, and I believe (rightly or wrongly) that they would feel more powerful and somewhat superior to me, because they were paying for their pauper mate.

All I would ever do - and this would be unlikely and rare - is borrow money which I would pay back; with interest.

But no WAY would I let people pay for me, not for anything.

Revengant wrote: »

I've learnt that friends and money don't mix well. Whether you're borrowing or lending or just taking, in the end the friendship breaks.....

I'm afraid like the 5 people above, and some others on this thread, I am in the 'no way in hell' camp. I don't agree anyone should be paying for anyone, and as 'newly retired' said, 'mix with people in the same income bracket, not with people much better off than you...'

As Jagraf said, it can cause awkwardness and resentment, if one is paying more than the other for a long period of time, and it can manipulate friendships.

Why on earth would you want people to pay for you? I would never want this, as I would feel bad. Plus, I am in agreement with the posters that say your richer friends secretly wouldn't like it. Even if they don't say as much. Maybe they'd be OK with it on a few occasions, but not indefinitely.

Letting other people constantly pay for everything? Do people have no pride or self respect?! I guess we are all different, but I couldn't sleep at night if I was spending my life cadging off other people.

happyinflorida

Yes it is because they are offering to pay for you and by doing this are obviously happy to pay for you and enjoying your company a lot, so enjoy it whilst it lasts!

tallgirld

In this situation I would stop going out with them. You are offering to pay and your money is being declined because you are the "poor one" in the group.

This would make me uncomfortable.

Kazattak

I'm not super rich but life has meant that the work I enjoy inherently pays more than the work some of my friends do.

I'm more than happy to go to places that are mutually affordable most of the time but I also value experiences and want to share them with people I enjoy the company of.

Some of these experiences are out of my mates financial comfort zone in those cases I find ways to even out the costs e.g. We split dinner but the cab and drinks Are my treat and they can get next time when its not going to break them. (I did shamefully once tell my friends that I had a voucher for 50% off somewhere we all really wanted to go and just compd the rest.)

Its not about charity it's about loving them enough to make sure that doing what we want isn't causing them stress. I also see it as pooling resources. Often in my case they are less busy and have the time to book things and the thoughtfulness to pick great birthday presents for the others that I can go halves on or work out how to get there or arrange disabled access for me. They are giving time to the experience which they have enough of and I am giving money that I have enough of but the result is we all have a great time.

I would hate them to not be able to do something else because we went somewhere expensive and equally would hate them to feel uncomfortable that I'm paying all the time so paying some helps to strike a balance.

Perhaps chat with them let them know that while it's great and you know it's coming from a good place but they must let you sometimes that you insist on getting the first round or whatever and then stop worrying and have a great night.

aaa13ljsldjfldskj

MSE_Nick wrote: »

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I've got some friends that come from very wealthy families. They often want to go to expensive bars and restaurants, but I'm not that well off so can't really afford it. They always offer to pay for me and usually refuse when I try to - is it OK to let them to fund me when I'm out with them?

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply!

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if you're comfortable with it and they offer, then its fine.
if you're not comfortable with it, then its not fine....

you've asked the question so I would say that you're not - or - you just want conversation :j

Matilda

My experience has been that friends sometimes want to give me a treat because they like me, and it gives them pleasure to do so - not because they want to have a hold over me. I don't think real friends use treats as a weapon.

However, if a wealthier friend always offers to pay or insists on it (and I have 3-4 such friends) I deal with it in a number of ways depending on the situation:

- If it's a close friend, I have told the person that I love going out with them, it's a great treat, but I feel awkward accepting as I cannot reciprocate in kind. I've usually been told that this is something they can do (for me), and I can cook them dinner/do something else if I would like to 'pay them back'. So I do. Conscience salved.

-If I don't care to let the person know I'm not well off, I make sure we meet for coffee or a free activity instead.

-If it's a group of friends who want to go out, I either pay for myself or don't go.

This works better than feeling guilty.

Petra_70 wrote: »

Well I would definitely not let ANYbody fund me. I am no charity case, and would not ever want to be beholden to someone, who will possibly throw it back in my face at some time in the future, or 'expect' something from me, if my financial situation improved, and theirs got worse.

I would also feel that they had some kind of hold on me, and I believe (rightly or wrongly) that they would feel more powerful and somewhat superior to me, because they were paying for their pauper mate.

All I would ever do - and this would be unlikely and rare - is borrow money which I would pay back; with interest.

But no WAY would I let people pay for me, not for anything.

Maat

Your friends clearly want to spend time with you and hence their offers to pay. Perhaps you could get a round of drinks in now and then so you're making a contribution and your friends see that you are.

Friendship isn't just about money, though. You may be able to help your wealthier friends in other ways. I'm thinking things like listening to their problems and helping them to find solutions for themselves. Perhaps babysitting/dogsitting/housesitting. Helping out in the garden or if they're decorating the house. Or researching events (which you could afford) where you could go together.

Good luck working out what's best for you and your situation.

Elisecas

Of course it's ok; they're generous friends.

However, you already feel awkward about it, so...

If they're great friends they'll consider the cost before they suggest a venue. I have richer friends and poorer friends and I always bear in mind both my own budget for the month and the likely desirable budget for the person who may have the least money, and I never let on that I've thought about it. That's what friends do.

Short term, accept and have a nice night, but longer term they either need to figure your budgetary needs into your shared time or they will - as someone said previously - end up drifting away.