Money Moral Dilemma: Is it OK to let my rich friends pay for me?

Former_MSE_Nick

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I've got some friends that come from very wealthy families. They often want to go to expensive bars and restaurants, but I'm not that well off so can't really afford it. They always offer to pay for me and usually refuse when I try to - is it OK to let them to fund me when I'm out with them?

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scotsbob

If it makes you feel awkward and embarrassed then no, because you won't enjoy yourself.


If it doesn't embarrass you then yes and I'm sure you can do them favours or show your appreciation in other ways.

Petra_70

MSE_Nick wrote: »

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I've got some friends that come from very wealthy families. They often want to go to expensive bars and restaurants, but I'm not that well off so can't really afford it. They always offer to pay for me and usually refuse when I try to. Is it OK to let them to fund me when I'm out with them?

Well I would definitely not let ANYbody fund me. I am no charity case, and would not ever want to be beholden to someone, who will possibly throw it back in my face at some time in the future, or 'expect' something from me, if my financial situation improved, and theirs got worse.

I would also feel that they had some kind of hold on me, and I believe (rightly or wrongly) that they would feel more powerful and somewhat superior to me, because they were paying for their pauper mate.

All I would ever do - and this would be unlikely and rare - is borrow money which I would pay back; with interest.

But no WAY would I let people pay for me, not for anything.

LilElvis

Ashamed I replied to the stupid "Christmas dinner" thread

somethingcorporate

No, it's not.

alggomas

Put it this way.
You must have other friends.
So, is it right that these pay for you all the time?

I would pay now and again. Do not offer. Pay!

It sounds like you want someone to bless your sponging.

Petra_70

alggomas wrote: »

Put it this way.
You must have other friends.
So, is it right that these pay for you all the time?

I would pay now and again. Do not offer. Pay!

It sounds like you want someone to bless your sponging.

I agree.

And I have to say that if I had 'rich' friends who kept insisting I didn't pay, and virtually bullied me into not paying; I would actually find it rather rude and offensive. As I said, I am no charity case, never have been, never will be, and someone insisting they pay for me 'because I am poor' (if I was,) would be horribly condescending and patronising.

I would probably find some new friends to be honest, as I would find this behaviour WAY out of order, and horribly controlling.

Also, how on earth can anyone look at themselves in the mirror of a morning, if they let all their rich buddies pay for them all the time?

I couldn't, and I wouldn't.

No way.

lika_86

Yes. Friendship isn't about always being equal, it's about being with people you care about.

Petra_70

lika_86 wrote: »

Yes. Friendship isn't about always being equal, it's about being with people you care about.

True. But the OP said that his friends refuse to let him pay even though he offers. That seems quite controlling and condescending to me. And the fact that he posted here means this is bothering him...

If I am offering to do something, and ABLE to do it, and someone insists I don't do it, and tries to take over; I see that as massively insulting and patronising. It's like I told you I will do it and I can do it, but you are choosing to completely disrespect my wishes, and do what the hell you want anyway.

Some friends!

lika_86

Petra_70 wrote: »

True. But the OP said that his friends refuse to let him pay even though he offers. That seems quite controlling and condescending to me. And the fact that he posted here means this is bothering him...

If I am offering to do something, and ABLE to do it, and someone insists I don't do it, and tries to take over; I see that as massively insulting and patronising. It's like I told you I will do it and I can do it, but you are choosing to completely disrespect my wishes, and do what the hell you want anyway.

Some friends!

I earn a lot more than some of my friends, I have a boyfriend who doesn't eat meat and so there are some restaurants I don't get to go to with him. If I wanted to go to an amazing (and out of their normal budget) steak restaurant then I wouldn't hesitate to invite my friends, happily offering to pay if it was somewhere of my choosing. Yes they would offer to pay and could pay but I'm sure they wouldn't choose to pay that much normally and it would be much more to them and their budget than it is to me and mine, I don't see that as insulting or patronising them, it's about enjoying time with them somewhere nice every now and again. My friends know it isn't about seeing them as charity cases, but just the way things are. Having said that, most of our nights do tend to be spent just in someone's lounge drinking wine and gossiping in pjs.

I think it's nice that the OP's friends want his/her company on their nights out. Maybe it's about ensuring balance with things the OP can afford which might make the OP more comfortable.

persa

On the flipside, I wouldn't call myself "rich", but I am better off than many of my friends and I often suggest we take it in turns to pay, but then make sure it's my turn to pay when we go somewhere more expensive. People don't like what they perceive as "charity", but I find this approach goes down okay as the inequality is less visible. I don't see subsiding "poorer" friends as controlling, rather paying it forward.

Letting someone better off pay for you is a bit like taking a compliment - many people struggle with it, even though it comes only from a place of kindness. I always go 50:50 with people in the same financial situation as me, but I would be appalled at myself if I regularly split the bill with a starving student. If I can afford to subsidise them a bit, surely that's the right thing to do? We can then enjoy the same stuff, with neither party worrying they've blown the budget.