Money Moral Dilemma: Is it OK to let my rich friends pay for me?

PompeyLizh

Hi I would take a good look at anything expected from me. If I felt comfortable with the situation and they were true friends. I would offer to pay my way in other ways eg paying for cabs or making meals at home. I hope you resolve your situation and keep any good friends in your life

bristle66

It's important that we all learn to live within our own (and not others') means. If that involves some scaling back of your expensive lifestyle, so be it. Sponging off others to sustain it is not an option. Have you no shame?

Yolina

tgroom57 wrote: »

Perhaps "expensive bars and restaurants" is all they know. You could maybe suggest ways of having a good time on a lighter budget.

But to them those bars & restaurants may not seem expensive.

Simple example:
You earn £30k a year, your friends earns £600k so 20 times more. Them spending £200 on a meal is like you spending £10. It's all a question of perspective

However, real friends won't mind going somewhere cheaper.

meknowalot-51

If you genuinely feel awkward when there paying then leave,or you could pay your own way.The're not forcing you to stay so have some selfrespect and go somewhere thats within budget.According to you the places they like to go are too expensive and yet you still turn up.I think there politely telling you to do one as your out of their financial league.When they jet off on holiday are you asked along?I bet it's only for drinks as having you there sponging only helps them feel superior.I'm sure we're the same as most people,if you can't afford it then don't go as this would make us feel very uncomfortable........selfrespect.

JasX

tgroom57 wrote: »

Perhaps "expensive bars and restaurants" is all they know. You could maybe suggest ways of having a good time on a lighter budget.

yup your friends sound rather crass and unimaginative with that kind of behavior (both the venues and offering to pay)

The trick in these situations is to find things that don't cost the earth but get everyone together for a good time without anyone being uncomfortable

eg.

I'll often host at home (in London not all my friends even have this option) and put on a decent sunday lunch cooked from scratch that'll feed 6-8 and cost me £40 (Lidl and fresh fruit/veg is your friend here). I rationalise it as 'd spend that amount alone eating out, plus I probably have enough left over to cater for half my week's meals AND have banked a few return dinners (or at least a beer or two) next time I see said friends

I got used to buying a pair of tickets whenever a 'hard to book' show/thing I wanted to see came up and when I was single if the date came and I didn't have a date etc to take I'd grab a friend I knew would enjoy it but probably wouldn't stretch to the £60-£70 ticket and invite them along 'for free' with the the rationale 'It'll go to waste otherwise and I'll enjoy it more if I'm not there on my own'

Finally a few of us went away on holiday and I managed to russle up some time on a canal boat mostly self catered for four days to drag the crowd off for coming in at under £120 each including all food, booze and petrol to drive across the country and back. Best bit was it fitted perfectly for the friend with a 10 month old dog who was struggling for holiday plans that'd include the puppy.

(I then went separately with my now other half to Italy for some sun the month before on a higher budget -it worked for everyone)

With a group of friends it's all about being creative so everyone is included and doesn't feel uncomfortable. A little imagination goes a long way here.

Plus expensive bar or otherwise it's the usually the crowd you're there with that sets the tone and the surroundings are generally entirely flexible...

toybs

I am in the same position. I'm happy to accept my friends' generosity sometimes, but don't take advantage of them & always try to return the kindness by small gestures or by inviting them to me for a meal (where I can control the cost). Thank you them & people like them for making my life brighter.

pollypenny

Augustus_the_Strong wrote: »

How is this a good thing? You lost a friend.

If your rich friends value your company, why not let them pay if they want to - money is nothing to them but it's a big thing for you (and for most people on this forum). If you're not comfortable, don't go out with them too often. But insisting on paying for yourself when going out to expensive places is a sure way of bankrupting yourself.

In the long run, it's probably a good idea to look for some other friends on more equal terms.

I am unable to quote my post to which respond, but yes, we lost friends, a couple. We did not lose self-respect,,though.

In effect we did what you say in your last sentence.

pollypenny

sl8r wrote: »

So you were happy to let a friendship fade away because of your pride?

Not really, but the key word is 'fade', meaning was over a long period of time, and that happens with friendships from time to time, I believe.

HurdyGurdy

Petra_70 wrote: »

Well I would definitely not let ANYbody fund me. I am no charity case, and would not ever want to be beholden to someone, who will possibly throw it back in my face at some time in the future, or 'expect' something from me, if my financial situation improved, and theirs got worse.

I would also feel that they had some kind of hold on me, and I believe (rightly or wrongly) that they would feel more powerful and somewhat superior to me, because they were paying for their pauper mate.

Actually, I would feel better (if I was the poor friend OR the rich friend) if the poor friend chipped in whatever they could comfortably afford. Hopefully, that would even things out.

All I would ever do - and this would be unlikely and rare - is borrow money which I would pay back; with interest.

But no WAY would I let people pay for me, not for anything.

Hell Fire!! The scenario is that they are your FRIENDS. If this is how you view your friends, then I'm surprised they'd even want to spend time with you. Wow - what a huge chip on your shoulder.


In the given scenario, the friends want to spend time with you. If, by them subsidising, or paying for you, means that they can spend that time with you, enjoying your company and your friendship, then yes, of course it's ok for them to pay.

Personally, I would feel quite awkward about it, but as these are my friends, I would hope that the friendship was stronger than my feelings of inferiority, and I know that if the situation was reversed, I would want to include my friends in my social life. And not so that they owe me, or feel beholden to me, or that I could expect something from them in the future, but just so that we could have fun together.

I would hope that there would also be times when the rich friends would "slum it" at something more suited to my own circumstances, so that I could be on a more level playing field.

It is difficult from both perspectives. Similar, I would think to a lottery winner. If they offer to pay for everyone when they go out, they are berated for showing off now they've got money, and if the don't pay, they are berated for being tightwads, even though they've come into money. Can't do right for doing wrong.

Jagraf

Money does strange things to people - I should know after just coming out of so much debt even the wannabe debt free board would struggle to keep up . This was due to a number of life experiences including divorce etc etc etc.

Before having debt, I would have said yep, I'm not bothered who pays, where I go, money is no issue either way, and shouldn't be for anyone else.

When it hits you hard, and you spend years and years in turmoil, you look at money differently. You think differently, and you learn about money. You learn how it can be good, evil, how it manipulates friendships, how it sees people homeless. You spend years keeping the wolf from the door, being answerable to creditors, feeling inferior, money, or lack of it, becomes your enemy.

When you get through it, you don't want money to play any part of your friendships. Your friendships are precious, above status, and equal. They are what kept you smiling through the difficult times. You want to pay your way quietly, you don't want people to draw attention to it. You want to get on with your life.

Not everyone's scenario is like this. However, no one is aware of anyone else's experiences, wealth, lack of wealth or otherwise.

In my experience its best to pay your own way.