Very Needy/Demanding Friend

Savvy_Sue

ripplyuk wrote: »

I'm dreading what she'll do soon if I don't call round. She'll start a phone call with 'What are you doing?'

'None of your business. I said I'd come round on X day, if you can't wait that long I won't come at all.'

And actually, you know, you could start the blazing row ...

'I am sick and fed up of your interrogations. Nothing I say ever gets through to you. You are sucking the life out of me, you give me no privacy, I dread hearing from you.'

You don't even have to say it quietly. Practice it now.

Primrose

If you can't really face the blazing row route, could you try a note/ email along the lines of....

NAME. i've tried countless times to drop you hints that I find your regular intrusions into my life and privacy uncomfortable to deal with but I don't really feel you've picked up the reality that I have many other activities and people with whom I need to share my life and I can't devote the time to you that you seem to expect.

So please don't be offended but i'm asking you to ease back on your contacts with me and to respect my private boundaries. I'll stay in touch when I can but I'm asking you to understand that i have a life that can't always include you and that some aspects of my private life are inappropriate to share with you

I do appreciate what you have done for me in the past but acts of kindness don't confer ownership and we need to have some space and boundaries between us if we can continue to enjoy a respectful friendship."

She then has something in black and white to mull over and if she steps out of line after that, she's had warning and can expect to be cut out of your life completely.

ripplyuk

Unfortunately, she can't read. None of her family can. She can manage basic, short words, but even her text messages are incoherent. I'd have to say it to her face.

I'm really hoping she just accepts this eventually. Although she's never been in any any aggressive with me, mainly because she knows she'll never see me again if she does, she can be violent with others if she can get away with it. She's thrown chairs at people, smashed up furniture, threatened a family member with a knife, and punched another in the face. Her mum's even worse. I think she gets frustrated because she doesn't know the words to express how she feels so it just comes out in aggression.

I don't think I'll need to, but the first hint of anything like that with me and I will certainly try to get a restraining order. It's much more likely she'll start crying on the phone all the time and telling me I'm making her unhappy and I'm being cruel.

fierystormcloud

ripplyuk wrote: »

Unfortunately, she can't read. None of her family can. She can manage basic, short words, but even her text messages are incoherent. I'd have to say it to her face.

I'm really hoping she just accepts this eventually. Although she's never been in any any aggressive with me, mainly because she knows she'll never see me again if she does, she can be violent with others if she can get away with it. She's thrown chairs at people, smashed up furniture, threatened a family member with a knife, and punched another in the face. Her mum's even worse. I think she gets frustrated because she doesn't know the words to express how she feels so it just comes out in aggression.

I don't think I'll need to, but the first hint of anything like that with me and I will certainly try to get a restraining order. It's much more likely she'll start crying on the phone all the time and telling me I'm making her unhappy and I'm being cruel.

The more I read of this thread, the more I wonder if it's a wind-up.

Are you actually being serious?

ripplyuk

fierystormcloud wrote: »

The more I read of this thread, the more I wonder if it's a wind-up.

Are you actually being serious?

I'm totally serious. I know she's a bit 'extreme', to say the least. This is why people locally make fun of her and her family, and why they're so well known. She never learnt to read properly due to her learning difficulties and her family have a dislike of books/education in general. She was brought up with domestic violence so I'm sure that affected her.

BigAunty

Yeah, I got the t-shirt on this one, too, though not subject to the type of stalking and harassment that you experienced and my ex friend does not have learning difficulties (but perhaps has personality issues instead).

Next time you move, just don't give her your address and change your mobile number? Does she know where you work?

Where it resonates with my and my experience is in the lack of self awareness, defensiveness and one-sidedness of the relationship.

My friend was extremely needy (not for company as she has masses of friends and relatives) but for help with all areas of her life. It felt like I was her on-call IT helpdesk, PA, social secretary, DIY handyman and decorator, driving instructor, debt advisor, dating agency, CV and job application writer.

I changed lightbulbs, I fixed furniture, I printed out her personal photos, I donated furnishings and a mobile phone, I paid for household repairs, I continually lent items, I paid for virtually all social expenses (even when she was working), and on and on. If i asked her to do anything, she was offended at my cheek.

I had to fund the majority of our social interactions because she always cried poverty and yet managed a long haul holiday every year, fab wardrobe and active social life.

She was at least charismatic with strong social skills unlike the OPs friend but I imagine that is why she had an entire circle of friends run themselves ragged to serve her everywhim at our expense.

I was basically tossed aside when I challenged why people were giving her money, paying her debts and household repair costs, and for her flat to be furnished and decorated because she was claiming she couldn't even afford her next mortgage payment and then she went on a 3 week holiday to China costing £1000, paid for by a Credit Union loan while unemployed (obviously knowing some other poor sod would pay her mortgage if she played the violin enough).

Because it was obvious that I wasn't going to be her personal bank anymore, I was out. I wish I woke up many years before - would have saved a lot of time and money. However, lesson learned - I would never maintain a friendship that had no reciprocity and operated emotional blackmail.

For instance, one of my friend's partners is very fun and charming. However, most of her talk is concerns how vulnerable she is, physically and mentally, and its clear she is used to being taken care of and would like people to pity her. I enjoy her company fine enough - she's funny and warm, but this story telling rings an alarm bell with me and I just don't get sucked into her sob stories, many of which are experiences of many years ago and which, in my opinion, should remain private.

I am not surprised she latched onto my friend who is an old fashioned gentlemanly type, a real provider by nature and is happy with her staying at home rather than getting a job when many modern men would not be happy with this arrangement. It is a true love match but I do get flash backs to my ex pal with all the wounded bird stuff.

theoretica

Have you straight out told her not that you are busy but that you aren't feeling sociable and want to be left alone today/this week?

ripplyuk

theoretica wrote: »

Have you straight out told her not that you are busy but that you aren't feeling sociable and want to be left alone today/this week?

Yes, I told her I need time to myself. I'm pretty sure she will leave me in peace until next week. The drama will start shortly after that. I did also say I'm busy, which I know is a bit of an excuse really, but I concentrated on saying that I need time alone, to do my own thing.

Mojisola

ripplyuk wrote: »

Yes, I told her I need time to myself. I'm pretty sure she will leave me in peace until next week. The drama will start shortly after that.

You know that she won't change. You know that her family will keep on reinforcing her behaviour and also putting pressure on you.

What makes you think that you will ever be able to manage this relationship in a way that doesn't stress you out?

Give her a last chance but there's only two ways I can see this will end - either you give in and continue to be available to her on demand as and when she wants to spend time with you or you completely break off contact and let her move on to someone else.

woohoo

It sounds to me like she is behaving like this because she has learning disabilities as you say.

She probably does not understand the 'rules' of friendship, or being polite, or poking your nose in where it is not wanted etc. I suggest you give her a date and time (if she can understand this - not all people with LD are good with dates) and visit her then. Eg - I will visit you on Mondays at 10am for one hour - or whatever suits you. If she cannot cope with times and date arrangements, tell her you will visit her once a week and will phone her before hand and will stay for one hour (or when whatever TV programme finishes - an alternate way of measuring time). You need to be clear and concise in your message and stick to what you have said. This will work in time, but, may take a while to get there. No amount of showing someone with LD 'threads' on a forum will work. It would be a shame to cut her out completely if she finds making friends difficult - boundaries are needed and must be stuck to!