Very Needy/Demanding Friend

fierystormcloud

ripplyuk wrote: »

I did try ignoring her phone calls but she calls round to my house, usually screaming at the windows so loudly that I have to answer to spare the neighbours getting upset. She then will stay until around 1am, despite me telling her I'm exhausted.

I think she's insecure which is why she doesn't like me having other friends. Its such a shame because her behaviour is driving me away and that's exactly what she's worried about. It reminds me of the saying "What we fear, we create". My partner even suggested I tell her I'm studying for a degree or have an evening job etc, but she'll still call round to check if my car is here.

Sorry, but she doesn't sound 'insecure,' she sounds like she's not firing on all cylinders.

I think I would get a restraining order if I were you. Sounds like she is a ticking timebomb to me. And she is definitely not all there. From what you have said so far, her behaviour is borderline stalking.

ripplyuk

That's why it's hard to explain to her. She really isn't 'firing on all cylinders'. She doesn't understand why I don't want to be with her all the time. She also doesn't take hints, even obvious ones. I hoped there was a way to back off from her gently, without hurting her feelings but it's probably impossible.

I can avoid her phone calls but I'm not sure what to say to her at the door when she inevitably calls round.

thorsoak

You say that you are now 20 miles away - so how does she get to your house? Does she drive?

Can you park your car in a garage/round the corner?

If you want to stop her calling, you are going to have to be absolutely brutal, I'm afraid.

pimento

I reckon you're just going to have to be blunt. Take a deep breath and tell her you've had enough. You won't be calling round or taking her calls and if she comes to your house let her scream and call the police. I think you're beyond half measures now.

bagpussbear

From everything you say, I really don't think using subtle or gentle ways is going to work with this friend I'm afraid.

Her behaviour is really intense, and I do believe you are going to have to say to her that you really need things to change in order for your friendship to go forward

I'm assuming you would like the friendship to continue ideally?

Perhaps explain that generally you like your own company, and you have found things too intense for your liking over recent weeks, and you need to have time to yourself without explaining to anyone what you are doing, or that you have to justify that you are busy. Say that you are like that with everyone, so it's nothing personal, but you hope she can respect that.

Its possible she will get upset, hurt feelings etc, but her given her behaviours are a bit extreme, I am not sure you can do it in a softer way.

ripplyuk

I've talked to her before about how I like my own company. She didn't seem to understand but it did help for a while. I think I've let her get away with it and have visited whenever she wanted because I feel grateful for her helping me move. She knows that, so has taken advantage of it.

I'll try to talk to her again and this time, I'll stick to it and not let her make me feel guilty about it. Its just hard to find the words because I've let her have her own way for a long time now and she's got used to it. It has to be done though as I can't be bothered with this forever.

I feel much better after writing this thread. It's been really getting me down and I felt like I was being unreasonable or a bad friend.

enthusiasticsaver

She sounds like a nightmare. If you do still want to remain friends then you may have to be brutal as it does not sound like hints are working. Arrange a date to see her when convenient, say once every month or six weeks and if she rings or calls in between then just say it is inconvenient and ignore her.


I fail to see why you feel guilty about not wanting to see her so often. She obviously does not feel guilty about bothering you when you clearly don't want so much contact. As you say her learning difficulties may explain her behaviour. I would be quite concerned about this stalking behaviour and what is really harassment.

Freeraine

Worryingly, you are having to neglect the good friends who enrich your life for an embarressingly loud,controlling, jealous, thick-skinned individual with mild learning difficulties. The relationship gives you no satisfaction and it is toxic

You need some tactics!

Coincidentally, my mother had the same problem recently with a demanding friend, who turned up on the doorstep too frequently, and resented my mother's social life. (Not sure if she has early onset dementia, poor soul?) These are mum's tactics - I don't know if you can relate to them, but they may give you some ideas that you are comfortable with.

1. When friend turns up on the doorstep unexpectedly.
My mother puts on her coat and says: "Just in time. I'm going for a walk". (Her friend hates walking anywhere). Sometimes her friend protests, but Mum just says: "I must walk 10,000 steps today, so I need to walk right now. Shame you can't join me". Alternatively, she still puts on her coat but says that she going to get the car serviced or some other errand.

2. On the phone
Answer a question with a question.
She says: "What are you doing that's so important that you can't come round and see me now?"
You say: "Why right now?"

She says: "When are you coming round?"
You: "What, this week?"

She says: "Are you avoiding me?"
You: "What makes you say that?"

Keep throwing the ball back into her court. You don't have to provide answers to her questions or explain. She's the one making demands and she's the one who needs to justify them.

3. Boring times watching TV (or paint dry) together.
I see that you, like my long-suffering mother, have to endure mind-numbing evenings watching TV, when you could be doing better things with your time. You don't have to. Now, my mother sticks to her plan where a visit lasts no longer than 45 minutes and usually less if the EastEnders theme tune starts playing. "I can't stand this programme, but I know you like it, so I'll leave you in peace to enjoy it, Ta-ra!" And she's out of the door like a shot.



Good luck and I just hope you can limit this woman's callls on your time and patience.

Topcat1982

ripplyuk wrote: »

That's why it's hard to explain to her. She really isn't 'firing on all cylinders'. She doesn't understand why I don't want to be with her all the time. She also doesn't take hints, even obvious ones. I hoped there was a way to back off from her gently, without hurting her feelings but it's probably impossible. .

OK so maybe she needs help. Social services or GP referral.

Does she not have any family

Anatidaephobia

ripplyuk wrote: »

If she hasn't seen me for a few days, she rings and asks if I'm busy. When I tell her what I'm doing, she will then find excuses why I don't need to bother and should call round to see her instead. Eg: if I'm doing housework, she says there's more important things in life; If I'm going out with my partner or another friend, she suggests I put it off until another day and almost begs me to call round 'just for five minutes', If I'm going to one of my hobbies or clubs, she says I'm wasting my money and time.

You have to be firm and then stick with it. It doesn't matter if she finds excuses, you have to just repeat yourself over and over then hang up if necessary. If you have plans with someone else and she begs you to change it for her, just say repeatedly "No, I cannot change my plans. I'll call you next week". You have to set boundaries and then maintain them. It'll probably feel harsh at first, particularly if you have to say "Sorry, got to go!" and hang up on her but you clearly need to be harsh otherwise she'll just walk all over you. If you continue with this method over a prolonged period of time, she will eventually become accustomed to the new routine.