Very Needy/Demanding Friend

kazzamoran

Why do have to cut her dead? Just explain firmly that you have other commitments. People don't, generally, take hints. I read this on another post which could apply:-




"There seems to be an increasing trend for people to say nothing when they really want to say 'no'. The thoughtless people who make unreasonable assumptions that other people's priorities and means to achieve them are the same as their own also assume that the answer will always be 'that's fine with me'. A polite refusal simply stating that your cannot XXXXX should not cause offence."


You do not have to explain/justify to her where you're going/what you're doing. just firmly say you cant make it/do it etc.

themull1

Print this thread - send it to her. Job done.


Only kidding -( i love having no friends though!! so i will never have to go through this)

ripplyuk

themull1 wrote: »

Print this thread - send it to her. Job done.


Only kidding -( i love having no friends though!! so i will never have to go through this)

:rotfl:
I'm a bit envious right now. She has me worn out!
Even showing her this thread wouldn't make any difference. She knows very well that I don't want to visit so much. She knows it's stressing me out but it doesn't seem to matter to her. She thinks friends are with each other every spare minute and anyone who says otherwise is talking nonsense. Her family are the same. If I say 'but I was here last week', they just say 'that's far too long. You should be here every day. We all like to see you' etc.

Someone did try to explain to her years ago that her behaviour is what drives everyone away. She just got angry and defensive. I've also discussed how people don't like to feel pressurised in a friendship and even used a made up scenario about a 'friend' I fell out with because she was too demanding. Didn't work. There's no chance of her getting any sort of counselling or even discussing this 'neediness' with me or anyone else. She simply won't talk about feelings/emotions in any shape or form.

I'm dreading what she'll do soon if I don't call round. She'll start a phone call with 'What are you doing?' If I say I'm at home, she'll ask me to call round. If I say I'm busy, she'll keep asking for every detail of what I'm doing and how long each thing will take, and then find a time when I should call in. If I don't, she'll call round uninvited. I don't want a big scene with the neighbours if she starts shouting at the door. If I open the door, she's straight in and impossible to get to leave. One time, I even told her I was going up for a bath as it was almost bedtime and she still didn't leave!

I'm not trying to cut her off completely. I just want her to give me some space but I have my doubts that she'll be able to. If she can't, it's going to eventually end up with a big row and I'll not bother with her at all. Its up to her really.

Primrose

Do you have a portable phone handset?
Use an answerphone to screen i coming calls but if you get caught, keep a timer buzzer by the ohone set for 3 minutes and let it buzz, saying "sorry, got to go, got something in the oven which will get burnt".
Or nip to the front door and ring the doorbell saying Sorry, must go.... somebody at the door"

theoretica

If you want to keep her as a friend at all I suggest you forget a few habits of politeness. Such as answering her questions or continuing talking to her when she has overstepped any of her marks.

enthusiasticsaver

ripplyuk wrote: »

:rotfl:

I'm dreading what she'll do soon if I don't call round. She'll start a phone call with 'What are you doing?' If I say I'm at home, she'll ask me to call round. If I say I'm busy, she'll keep asking for every detail of what I'm doing and how long each thing will take, and then find a time when I should call in. If I don't, she'll call round uninvited. I don't want a big scene with the neighbours if she starts shouting at the door. If I open the door, she's straight in and impossible to get to leave. One time, I even told her I was going up for a bath as it was almost bedtime and she still didn't leave!

I'm not trying to cut her off completely. I just want her to give me some space but I have my doubts that she'll be able to. If she can't, it's going to eventually end up with a big row and I'll not bother with her at all. Its up to her really.

Good grief! I am amazed you are still friends with her as her behaviour is not that of a friend. I would start screening phone calls and not answering hers and refuse to answer the door, whether or not it upsets the neighbours. In fact I think I would be googling restraining order if I had a friend like that. She is obviously completely self absorbed and mental difficulties or not there are limits to what people will put up with. Her family sound just as bad.

ripplyuk

I know I need to toughen up. I don't know why, but I just hate the thought of hurting anyone's feelings, even when I know logically that I'm being reasonable and its her who has the problem.

I'll try the things suggested here, like excuses about going out walking or a mystery appointment if she calls to my door. On the phone, if I say someone is at the door, she'll just keep ringing back later. So, I'm thinking of telling her my phone seems to have a reception fault. If she starts asking for a list of exactly what I'm doing, I'll have to show I'm annoyed at that, and just keep saying I'm not going to give her the list but I'm busy.

It would actually be easier if we just had a blazing row and fell out. I'm honestly losing sleep over this as I know she's going to be a nightmare once she realises she's not getting her own way. I just don't know what we'd row about because no matter what I say, she'll act very sweet and just try to make me feel guilty.

Anatidaephobia

ripplyuk wrote: »

She knows it's stressing me out but it doesn't seem to matter to her. She thinks friends are with each other every spare minute and anyone who says otherwise is talking nonsense. Her family are the same. If I say 'but I was here last week', they just say 'that's far too long. You should be here every day. We all like to see you' etc.

This would give me cause for concern. If you try to set new boundaries, I feel like her family will undo any good work you do by constantly reinforcing the old negative messages.

tealady

You do need to toughen up. Friendship is a two way thing, she doesn't sound like a friend she is a dementor taking all the happiness out of your life.
This may sound harsh but you need to drop her. Get an answering machine to catch her calls, change your mobile number (if she has it). Refuse to answer the door to her and send her a letter asking her not to visit, you will contact her when you are ready to do so.
The alternative? Spend the rest of your life being increasingly unhappy.
No one has the right to make us feel unhappy in our own homes.

bagpussbear

ripplyuk wrote: »

It would actually be easier if we just had a blazing row and fell out. I'm honestly losing sleep over this as I know she's going to be a nightmare once she realises she's not getting her own way. I just don't know what we'd row about because no matter what I say, she'll act very sweet and just try to make me feel guilty.

I agree, and given everything you've posted about this friendship I don't think that's a bad idea!

Confrontation is always an uncomfortable thing, but sometimes in life it has to be done.

If she calls round to your house, I wouldn't even answer the door however long she stood there for.