Very Needy/Demanding Friend

ripplyuk

She has lots of family and they're very close. She lives with two of them. She's not the type where social services would be interested as she manages ok with daily life. She has no other friends as she becomes obsessive and people do find her a bit embarrassing when out in public due to her language and loudness.

I'm not going to feel guilty about it anymore. I can see now that she doesn't care about stressing me out with her demands so why should I? I'll explain that I'll visit every month or so. I can't be in her debt forever because she helped me move. I'll also use some of the ideas Freeraine posted for when she arrives at the door without warning.

bagpussbear

ripplyuk wrote: »

I've talked to her before about how I like my own company. She didn't seem to understand but it did help for a while. I think I've let her get away with it and have visited whenever she wanted because I feel grateful for her helping me move. She knows that, so has taken advantage of it.

I'll try to talk to her again and this time, I'll stick to it and not let her make me feel guilty about it. Its just hard to find the words because I've let her have her own way for a long time now and she's got used to it. It has to be done though as I can't be bothered with this forever.

I feel much better after writing this thread. It's been really getting me down and I felt like I was being unreasonable or a bad friend.

You're not being unreasonable, I think its enough to drain anyone. But yes it sounds like you needed to be more firmer about this, and like you say you cannot be in debt to her forever because of the house move.

Talk to her, and stick to it. But don't be afraid to show your annoyance if she starts to take advantage.

Could you encourage her to take up classes, or have a hobby where she gets out with other people? If you are her only friend, I do fear that however firmly you play it with her from now on, this friendship is ultimately going to be too much for you given you like your own space much more than she does. Good luck!

Delia_Cardei

Tell her the truth, tell her that you're bored with such relationship, point out her annoying acts. Otherwise she will never realize why people keep a distance with her. You know, truth may hurt for a while but a lie would hurt forever.

Guest101

ripplyuk wrote: »

I've known this friend for many years. She has become more needy over the years and now it's getting a bit much for me. She wants me to visit all the time and once I'm there, she doesn't like me to leave, no matter how long I've been there. She doesn't like me having other friends and gets annoyed if I say I'm meeting up with them. Because of the amount of time she takes up, I haven't seen one of my friends in months. I'm not a social person anyway and usually only meet up with other friends every month or so. I'd prefer it was like that with this friend too.

If she hasn't seen me for a few days, she rings and asks if I'm busy. When I tell her what I'm doing, she will then find excuses why I don't need to bother and should call round to see her instead. Eg: if I'm doing housework, she says there's more important things in life; If I'm going out with my partner or another friend, she suggests I put it off until another day and almost begs me to call round 'just for five minutes', If I'm going to one of my hobbies or clubs, she says I'm wasting my money and time.

When I do visit, she retells the same stories, usually about any favours she has done for me over the years. Sometimes, she just sits watching soaps and barely speaks to me. She has no other friends, and is well known in the village (not in a nice way) as she is extremely loud and every second word is a curse word. She is so loud that in my previous house, neighbours 300 yards away heard her and wondered what was going on.

I've recently moved to a terraced house and can't risk any complaints going to the landlord. For this reason, I prefer to visit her, instead of her coming to my house. She also has a mild learning difficulty and maybe that has something to do with it. My new house is much further away so visiting her is now a 20 mile drive, which takes even more time.

I feel awful writing this as she can be very kind and I don't want to upset her. I also feel sorry for her about the way other people in the village laugh about her. I'd just like to be able to visit every few weeks. I've tried talking to her many times, and wording it different ways but it doesn't work. She just makes me feel guilty talking about times she's helped me out. I've now had to quit one of my hobbies as I couldn't fit it in along with giving her the time she wants. I've started trying to think up good excuses for why I can't visit. It's crazy. Could anyone advise me on what to do? I've tried everything I can think of.

Lets be honest, 99% of Landlords wont give a damn if you're noisy or not. They know it's none of their business.


So really it's "I don't want this loud and annoying friend in my house" - which is fair enough.

paddy's_mum

Would it be worth trying to have a chat with the family members you mention?

It might be that they could tell her very clearly that she is suffocating you, at the same time as you start being a little more assertive about what/when you can/can't.

For them to have her living with them in what sounds like a peaceful manner suggests that either they are well able to enforce boundaries or else - gulp! - that she dominates their lives too in which case, refer to earlier responses in this thread.

What is for sure is that this semi-bondage cannot continue. It isn't healthy for you or for the abuser.

Good luck.

gabriel1980

just avoid her, don't answer her calls

TBagpuss

As she doesn't take hints and being gentle hasn't worked, I think you have to be clearler. This doesn't mean being brutal, just being honest and if necessary, specific.

So if she is asking you to visit, you could say "I'm pretty busy, let arrange to meet up next week / in a couple of weeks time (i.e. suggest a time, and an interval, when you would be willing to see her) If she says she wants to see you sooner, be firm "I'm sorry, I'm busy, I suggested next week / in a couplke of weeks because that's when I would be available"

If she pushes, don't start to tell her all the other things you are doing - that isn't her business, and more importnatly, to someone who won't accept your first answer, it opens it up as a negotiation and encourages her to find 'solutions' to the 'problem' of your non-availability. Instead, you can let a litle bit of irritation show - say something like "[Name], I already told you I'm not available to come to visit you until next week. I'm not going to give you a full list of all of my other committments. I'd like to see you, and I'm free nest wednesday (or whenever) - do you want to meet then or shall we leave it? "

When you do meet with her, I think it would also be worth, at least once, tryong to expalin to her. Again, your aim is not to be mean, it's to try to find a way to explain (and if she can't / won't take it on board you might need to get firmer). Make it about you, and how her actions make you feel, not about her

So "I enjoy seeing you, but when you start questioning me in detail about what else I'm doing, or argue when I tell you I'm not available, it makes me feel as if you don't respect that I have other committments, and other people I like to spend time with, as well as you. It makes me feel as though you don't care about what I want, and that makes me feel less like wanting to spend time with you, because it makes the time we spend less fun for me"

You might also find it is useful to offer her choices, but to make sure that both (or all) the choices are ones you will be ahppy with.
So you might say to her
"I can't talk now, but I can call you for a chat either tomoorw on on Monday, which works best for you?" It can be a useful way of managing the time and duration of contacts you have with her while leaving her a measure of control.

For phone calls, consider keeping a kitchen timer by the phone set to (say) 10 minutes - then when she calls, set it going. After 10 minutes it will go off, which give you a perfect way to end the converstation "Oh the kitchen timer's gone off. I'll have to go and deal with that. Lovely to speak to you, see you, byee"

fairy_lights

ripplyuk wrote: »

I did try ignoring her phone calls but she calls round to my house, usually screaming at the windows so loudly that I have to answer to spare the neighbours getting upset. She then will stay until around 1am, despite me telling her I'm exhausted.

Imagine if your partner behaved like that - turning up at your house and screaming at you until you let him in, refusing to take no for an answer when you want to be alone, demanding you cancel plans with other friends, to the point where you had to lie about what you were doing and where you were going to get away from him. You wouldn't stay with a partner who behaved like that would you? So why put up with it from a friend. She sounds abusive and toxic and is taking advantage of your sense of loyalty and guilt to get her own way.

paddy's_mum

TBagpuss wrote: »

you can let a litle bit of irritation show

You might actually want to let a great deal of irritation show.

It has been known for people painted into a corner, as you have been, to virtually 'create' a row in order to get that person off their backs and out of their lives. What does your partner have to say about it all?

I truly don't envy you in having to deal with this horrid situation but you already realise that this person is preying upon you and that a stop needs to be put to it.

The word parasite isn't too far off the mark, is it?

FBaby

I think I've let her get away with it and have visited whenever she wanted because I feel grateful for her helping me move. She knows that, so has taken advantage of it.

I've learnt that there are 'nice' people and nice people. The first are nice to you when it suits them as a form of control so that you feel you owe them something. The others are nice when it suits you because they care and don't expect anything in return.

It sounds like she is very insecure and therefore controlling you with guilt. I know how hard it is not to let it get to you, but do feel comfort in the fact that it is ok to remain friends with her, just not seeing her all the time when it suits her. You will not be a bad friend if you reduce the amount of time you do so and you sometimes make it to your convenience rather than hers.