Very Needy/Demanding Friend

ripplyuk

I've known this friend for many years. She has become more needy over the years and now it's getting a bit much for me. She wants me to visit all the time and once I'm there, she doesn't like me to leave, no matter how long I've been there. She doesn't like me having other friends and gets annoyed if I say I'm meeting up with them. Because of the amount of time she takes up, I haven't seen one of my friends in months. I'm not a social person anyway and usually only meet up with other friends every month or so. I'd prefer it was like that with this friend too.

If she hasn't seen me for a few days, she rings and asks if I'm busy. When I tell her what I'm doing, she will then find excuses why I don't need to bother and should call round to see her instead. Eg: if I'm doing housework, she says there's more important things in life; If I'm going out with my partner or another friend, she suggests I put it off until another day and almost begs me to call round 'just for five minutes', If I'm going to one of my hobbies or clubs, she says I'm wasting my money and time.

When I do visit, she retells the same stories, usually about any favours she has done for me over the years. Sometimes, she just sits watching soaps and barely speaks to me. She has no other friends, and is well known in the village (not in a nice way) as she is extremely loud and every second word is a curse word. She is so loud that in my previous house, neighbours 300 yards away heard her and wondered what was going on.

I've recently moved to a terraced house and can't risk any complaints going to the landlord. For this reason, I prefer to visit her, instead of her coming to my house. She also has a mild learning difficulty and maybe that has something to do with it. My new house is much further away so visiting her is now a 20 mile drive, which takes even more time.

I feel awful writing this as she can be very kind and I don't want to upset her. I also feel sorry for her about the way other people in the village laugh about her. I'd just like to be able to visit every few weeks. I've tried talking to her many times, and wording it different ways but it doesn't work. She just makes me feel guilty talking about times she's helped me out. I've now had to quit one of my hobbies as I couldn't fit it in along with giving her the time she wants. I've started trying to think up good excuses for why I can't visit. It's crazy. Could anyone advise me on what to do? I've tried everything I can think of.

fierystormcloud

She sounds like a nightmare, and her being lonely and having no other friends (supposedly) is not your problem. You are flogging a dead horse here, she is nothing but a selfish moany whiner, and let's face it, we all know one! I do, and I have stopped making contact with her, and haven't seen her for 2 months now.

She hasn't contacted me in that 2 months thankfully, as I kept giving her a wide berth for months, and I think she is taking the hint. All she does is moan about everything, like nobody in the world has problems as big as she has, and not listen to anything I have to say, unless it's juicy gossip. Eg, if I say me and DH are going to Scotland for the weekend, she zones out, but if I were to say we were having marriage problems, she would be all ears. She also keeps asking me about our income, and all sorts of inappropriate questions! In addition, she brags about everything and thinks everyone is jealous of her over sized over priced house.

Stop making yourself miserable. You don't owe this woman anything, start giving her a wide berth, and then cut her dead. If she doesn't have your new address, even better; don't give it to her. People like this drain your soul. Don't let her do it. No matter what you do, it will not be enough for her. Get rid, stop contacting her, and stop visiting her!

Loz01

Oh dear. I know its hard to cut friendships OP but this one sounds awful... one sided demanding isn't a friendship. Its supposed to be a mutual fun thing! If it makes you unhappy, cut it off. Life is too short!!!

tomtontom

Is there a reason why you can't just say no to her? You sound like a bit of a wet lettuce - stand up for yourself!

thorsoak

Broken record technique is required here ..."sorry I am busy/working/shopping/making love" etc etc etc etc .........

ripplyuk

Saying I'm busy doesn't satisfy her. She'll ask what exactly I'm doing and find a way that I can fit her in. The thing is, she's been very helpful to me, even moving all my furniture for me during my house move. She wouldn't take any money even though I offered but I wish she had because it feels like a different sort of debt. She makes me feel so guilty if I put her off. She can be lovely to be with, if she just wasn't so needy.

fierystormcloud

ripplyuk wrote: »

Saying I'm busy doesn't satisfy her. She'll ask what exactly I'm doing and find a way that I can fit her in. The thing is, she's been very helpful to me, even moving all my furniture for me during my house move. She wouldn't take any money even though I offered but I wish she had because it feels like a different sort of debt. She makes me feel so guilty if I put her off. She can be lovely to be with, if she just wasn't so needy.

So do you want her in your life or not?

If you do, (and I don't know why from what you say in your first post,) then I do wonder why... Your first post makes her sound like a nightmare. You don't owe her anything just because she helped you move.

How long are you supposed to be beholden to this soul-draining woman?

ripplyuk

fierystormcloud wrote: »

So do you want her in your life or not?

If you do, (and I don't know why from what you say in your first post,) then I do wonder why...

I'd like her to accept that I'll visit when I can. I just don't know how to get her to understand that. To be honest, if she can't accept that I'm unable to visit constantly, then I'll have to cut her off completely. I'm not even sure how I'd do that. If I don't answer the phone, she'll call round.

fierystormcloud

ripplyuk wrote: »

I'd like her to accept that I'll visit when I can. I just don't know how to get her to understand that. To be honest, if she can't accept that I'm unable to visit constantly, then I'll have to cut her off completely. I'm not even sure how I'd do that. If I don't answer the phone, she'll call round.

For some reason, I thought she didn't know your address; I must have misunderstood. If you cut her dead, just don't answer the door, and get an answerphone so you don't have to answer her calls.

What a nightmare. I have found that most people do stop bothering if you avoid them and give them a wide berth though; I am sure she will too.

thorsoak

I like the idea of the answerphone - so you don't answer her phone calls - you call her back. Tell her that you are sorry, but you ARE too busy to go into explanations - but that you will see her a couple of days later. And stick to it!

If you want to reclaim your life, you have to be brutal.

ripplyuk

I did try ignoring her phone calls but she calls round to my house, usually screaming at the windows so loudly that I have to answer to spare the neighbours getting upset. She then will stay until around 1am, despite me telling her I'm exhausted.

I think she's insecure which is why she doesn't like me having other friends. Its such a shame because her behaviour is driving me away and that's exactly what she's worried about. It reminds me of the saying "What we fear, we create". My partner even suggested I tell her I'm studying for a degree or have an evening job etc, but she'll still call round to check if my car is here.