Very Needy/Demanding Friend

calleyw

I think there maybe mental health issues at work here.

She obviously has very low self confidence/esteem as well as boundaries issues.

She feels when you say no that you are rejecting her. I know that is difficult for someone who has never experienced that. To understand that.

Once she gets in the cycle she wont be able to stop until she has seen or spoken to you. Even if that means banging on your door at 1am.

Not what you want. If you want to keep her at a friend than you need to support her in getting some help to stop this. Dr, counseling etc. And keep telling her that just because you don't have time for her at the moment does not mean that she is not a friend and you will see her when you can.

If you don't then you will need to go down the police and solicitor route. Not nice. But it is distressing you.

All the best no matter what happens.

Yours

Calley

academiablues

You've mentioned that she has a mild learning disability - it may be that all the "hints" you've been dropping are falling on deaf ears because she just cannot understand why you don't want to be around her. As in, literally cannot. It's not necessarily "abusive" (although if she didn't have a learning disability I'd definitely recognise it as such), but she might not be able to understand that boundaries are a thing that exist for other people.
I'd go brutal - you might hurt her feelings, but then again, it sounds like most people avoid her so she might actually be used to it. I do think speaking to the people she lives with is a good idea if you know them, just to let them know what your boundary is so that if she gets upset whilst they are there, they can reinforce it for you (e.g. "well, you know ripplyuk has other things to do, and they'll be round a week on Thursday"). Be consistent, be firm, and always follow through with what you say - if you're not going round on Wednesday, don't cave in and go anyway. Best of luck, because it sounds like a really difficult situation.

krlyr

academiablues wrote: »

You've mentioned that she has a mild learning disability - it may be that all the "hints" you've been dropping are falling on deaf ears because she just cannot understand why you don't want to be around her. As in, literally cannot. It's not necessarily "abusive" (although if she didn't have a learning disability I'd definitely recognise it as such), but she might not be able to understand that boundaries are a thing that exist for other people.
I'd go brutal - you might hurt her feelings, but then again, it sounds like most people avoid her so she might actually be used to it. I do think speaking to the people she lives with is a good idea if you know them, just to let them know what your boundary is so that if she gets upset whilst they are there, they can reinforce it for you (e.g. "well, you know ripplyuk has other things to do, and they'll be round a week on Thursday"). Be consistent, be firm, and always follow through with what you say - if you're not going round on Wednesday, don't cave in and go anyway. Best of luck, because it sounds like a really difficult situation.

I was thinking this too. My nan has made friends with a young girl with mental health issues and sometimes gets bombarded with texts from this girl. She keeps trying to draw out conversations (my nan has a PAYG mobile so limits her texts), if she doesn't get a reply she gets upset and sends messages along the lines of 'have I upset you', 'what have I done wrong', 'do you hate me', etc. My nan often ignores it but sometimes has to bite the bullet and be firm about it and say she has other things in her life keeping her busy.

calleyw

academiablues wrote: »

You've mentioned that she has a mild learning disability - it may be that all the "hints" you've been dropping are falling on deaf ears because she just cannot understand why you don't want to be around her.

I missed that. But would say the same thing applies to what I suggested about mental health issues.

And agree with krlyr about how to handle it. If of course the OP wants to keep the friendship.

Yours

Calley

springiness

My "friend" was similar to yours. She used up my spare time and even complained that I wanted dinner after getting home from work instead of rushing around to see her (I should have been able to wait).


I'd be asked to help in some way that would only take half an hour, but she'd have make it last two hours.


I was sucked in, she had mental and physical problems so I felt sorry for her and wanted to help. I'm ashamed to say that for a while it felt good to be needed and valued.


At first she was grateful for my time and complimentary to me, as time went on she became critical and quite nasty at times. Of course I made excuses along the lines of 'she can't help it, she's in pain/it's her mental illness causing her to act this way'. And there were times when she'd help me and buy gifts so she could be sweet.


We had three massive rows over insignificant issues (once I made tea wrong). She never apologised and days-weeks later she'd text and say 'do you fancy going to the shops'.


Eventually I came to my senses and realised that she'd be polite to other friends and her nasty behaviour to me was manipulative. After the final row I just said no thanks when the inevitable 'do you want to...' text message came.


After a few weeks I felt much better physically, I'd been having stress symptoms, trouble sleeping, panic attacks. I hadn't realised how bad it had got.


There's some great advice from other posters and I wish I'd read it when I had my "friend" problems. I love the suggestions from Freeraine's mum.


You need to either manage her expectations and not be available except when you want to be or cut her out completely.

ripplyuk

I really appreciate all the responses. I'm just back from visiting her and managed to explain to her that I need more time to myself as I'm not the most social person. I said I have other people to see and things to do. I told her I wouldn't be calling round as much.

To start with, she just said she'll call round to me then! I explained that it wouldn't be giving me time to myself if she did that. She then seemed to understand, though she certainly didn't like it. I managed to get out the door without her asking constantly if I'll call back tomorrow, so that's an improvement.

Her family will be of no help whatsoever. They're actually adding to the problem. They question me about where I've been if I haven't visited in a while. They'll say 'What's happened? We thought you must be ill, We haven't seen you in ages etc. They actually keep suggesting I call round every single day, and think that's what is normal for friends to do. They are very similar to her in personality and none have any friends, so they are very close to each other.

It was hard to talk to her today but reading through all the responses gave me courage! I think it's going to get worse after a week or so, once she's realised that I was serious. I know she'll probably start making excuses about why I need to call round.

I'm determined to stay firm but I know she'll say she's upset about something, she's had bad news, a family member is ill etc. She does make up a lot of stories so it's hard to know what's true. She previously told me she had just been diagnosed with a life threatening illness and of course, I went round straight away. Turns out it was all nonsense!

KiKi

Obviously this is just based on your posts, but she sounds like she has mental health problems rather than is trying deliberately to take advantage of you.

I think you just have to stick to what you've done - explain that you can only see her every few weeks, and that if she doesn't like that, you'll have to end the friendship, and leave it at that. You'll need to stay firm, specific - and you may just end up staying friends with her (if that's what you want). If she insists on calling, I think you'll need to say to her "do you remember that conversation we had? I can't spend time with you now, I'll call you in a couple of weeks" and stick to it.

But she clearly doesn't understand hints, and if she does have learning disabilities then that may play a part in her not understanding. But it doesn't sound to me like she's trying to be difficult or take advantage, it sounds like she really does not understand you, and has more difficult reactions than someone else might.

Good luck!
KiKi

paddy's_mum

ripplyuk wrote: »

Her family will be of no help whatsoever. They're actually adding to the problem. They question me about where I've been if I haven't visited in a while. They'll say 'What's happened? We thought you must be ill, We haven't seen you in ages etc. They actually keep suggesting I call round every single day, and think that's what is normal for friends to do

Blimey!

My advice just changed. Create a massive row and get out while you can because clearly these people are going to drown you!

:eek:

Hezzawithkids

Been there OP and lived to tell the tale.

My 'friend' and I were besties at school and even then she was really clingy & demanding as she didn't have any other friends. No mental issues I know of, she was just incredibly self-absorbed (an over-indulged only child). BUT there were times when she was also incredibly supportive and caring which in my mind offset the times when she was just the opposite. We were friends for many, many years BUT we finally had a crisis in our relationship (wont got into it here but it arose from my dawning realisation of how she had been constantly manipulating me all the time) and I cut all contact between us. It was upsetting at the time but now I feel like I've dodged a bullet - god knows what continuing hell she would have dragged me into had we still been friends. For sure I would be exhausted (she wanted me to spend all my free time with her), broke (she never had any money), traumatised (I was always picking up the pieces whenever she had a personal crisis) and probably divorced from my constantly having to balance her demands with the demands of my family, career etc.

Sorry to be cruel OP but you do need to push this person away before she takes over your life completely. Sounds like you've made a good first step but please stick to your convictions and don't let her manipulate you. We're all grown ups, she'll get over it.

Good luck.

TBagpuss

I think with the added information I'd push back a bit to the family, too.
If they say "we haven't seen you in ages" then looking really surprised and saying "But we spoke when I was last here, and that was here only 10 days ago" (or as appropriate) sends the message that actually, visiting once a week, or once a fortnight is a lot.

I also think given her propensity to make stuff up that you need to not reward her by showing up if she says she has bad news etc. This doesn't mean being unsympathetic - your response can be "I'm sorry to hear that. We can talk about it when I see you on [whenever you next planned to see her] " or even respond on tbhe assumption that she's saying "I have to cancel because" and respond with"I'm so sorry to hear that. Of course I understand that you won't want guests so I'll cancel or mee up on [date] and we can talk again when you're feeling up to it"