PLEASE help me

lisa110rry

"My LO doesn't do any after school activities - I have been trying to encourage them to give something a go for ages now. My plan is to find something they like and then I can volunteer to help out!"

That's a wonderful idea on so many levels! We were lucky to find the thing which fired our son early - so much so that he was eventually offered a contract to play Rugby (though he chose not to pursue the contract as he preferred to play as an amateur). Not only did it open the door to meeting other parents but it was a key element in discipline while he was growing up. ("If you carry on with that behaviour, you'll be walking to rugby." That always got a result.)

going_nowhere_fast

marksoton wrote: »

So pursue the CSA/CMS. I'm sure everyone on here has complete sympathy with your situation but you have to start being proactive and fight to improve it yourself. And that starts with this.

Your child's father should be contributing and you owe it to your child and yourself to make sure he is.

The father of my child left and has never ever played a part in my child's life. It took me a long time to stop feeling so upset about that.

He was (is) a controlling bullying manipulative person. I lost all of my friends due to the relationship with him. He has tried threatening me, blackmailing me, contacting any one who spoke to me with the aim of cutting me off from people. He has done so much to punish me for not having him back and this involves trying to use my child as a tool. He has made vile threats to me concerning my child but as they have only ever been verbal i cannot prove them but there is not a doubt in my mind that he means what he says. As a successful charming well presented man its hard for people to believe he is such a horrible human being.

It was only through police action and a court order that I am free.

I have been threatened that if I got CSA payments he would take me to court to get access to my child (if I don't go to the CSA he isn't interested in seeing my child) and he has said he will make false accusations about me to pretend I'm a bad mother.

I love my child more than anything in the world, and they are happy and healthy growing up without a father. If they were forced by a court to spend time with a complete stranger who doesn't love or care for them and is doing it just to get 'their moneys worth' or to spite me, I think that would be very damaging.

I'm lonely yes but I'm scared of him and the law regarding children does not always do what is in a child's best interests. I have sought legal advice from a few different solicitors and its pot luck whether a judge shows common sense or not. I know someone who went to court and was forced by a judge to send their child to stay with their dad who was literally snorting drugs in front of her daughter.

Its a catch 22 fight for maintenance (and it will be a fight because he is going to great lengths to hide his income, though not his standard of living) and go to court and deal with the upset, threats, and pick up the pieces with my child when he eventually gets bored and disappears again or do I try to manage without CSA and work on improving my career prospects and building a social life for myself.

I've looked at open university and local colleges. I don't feel comfortable getting into debt especially when I don't know what career I'm aiming for.

There are millions of people who read these forums who cas relate to the feeling of isolation and loneliness I feel. In real life people often say get yourself a man as though that is what I must be missing when I really just crave people, friendships.

There are lots of older women who spent their lives looking after children and a husband. They retire, husband dies, children pop round now and again but are busy with their lives. They too will be lonely and need to grow their circle of friends. I think loneliness is more common than we realise.

I am not closed to the CSA idea and I'm pleased for the NACA link because I've never heard of them before but it has very big consequences for me and my child so I can't rush into it.

Jhoney_2

Float the idea of a bring a dish halloween party (not necessarily at your home) or organise a trick or treat run? Your LO will love it - even if there are others!

There's enough notice and you can give a copy of the details to the teacher and/ or the afterschool childcare supervisor.

If nothing else, it's a conversation starter - or find out where the approachable one's are going - then go too.

going_nowhere_fast

tomtontom wrote: »

Don't be so quick to judge these other women, have you thought that they may be jumping into (unsuitable) relationships because, like you, they are bitterly lonely and don't know how to get out of it? Maybe get to know them a bit better and you might understand why they make the choices they do.

You want the best for your child but you relate that to materialistic things. I have contact with lots of people in deprived situations and the happiest are those that make the most of what they have. That's not to say that they don't aim for something better, but in the meantime they make the best of things.

I partly agree with your first paragraph but you cant save someone else they have to save themselves and particularly when you have a child you have to be careful who you mix with. It is one thing going from one relationship to another but it is quite another to bring a man you have known only a couple of weeks who you know is violent into your child's home and leave them alone to care for your 2 year old child. I'm limiting what I say but believe me as much as I cared for this person and loved their friendship and I agree they were insecure, the way they lived their life was starting to be damaging. My phone and doorbell was ringing during the middle of the night because their life was one big crisis. They would ring me at 2am wanting picking up from some random mans house. My child's in bed!!

I agree with your statement about being content with what you have. That is definitely something I can improve on. I have been scared of becoming stuck here, it wouldn't hurt to relax more.

I agree some people may appear happy and content but want to improve things. When I've chatted casually to people though they seem happy and the ones that aren't have no fire in their belly to change their situation.

I don't think money brings happiness and I've known people who went from being lovely people to not very nice when they starting earning a lot but I think money brings choices. I think I need to work harder at working out a career goal.

going_nowhere_fast

Jhoney wrote: »

Float the idea of a bring a dish halloween party (not necessarily at your home) or organise a trick or treat run? Your LO will love it - even if there are others!

There's enough notice and you can give a copy of the details to the teacher and/ or the afterschool childcare supervisor.

If nothing else, it's a conversation starter - or find out where the approachable one's are going - then go too.

I like idea of the party. How do I do it so people don't presume I'm paying because I'd need to book somewhere......

I wouldn't go trick or treating where I live, its genuinely not nice!

marksoton

going_nowhere_fast wrote: »

It was only through police action and a court order that I am free.

I have been threatened that if I got CSA payments he would take me to court to get access to my child (if I don't go to the CSA he isn't interested in seeing my child) and he has said he will make false accusations about me to pretend I'm a bad mother.

.

The former means the latter is so unlikely. Let him accuse away, it won't hold any sway.Especially with the evidence you clearly have. You need to break the cycle of his bullying and show him it won't work.

Have you tried
https://www.google.co.uk/?gws_rd=ssl#q=womens+aid

They might be able to give you the support you need.

Jhoney_2

going_nowhere_fast wrote: »

I like idea of the party. How do I do it so people don't presume I'm paying because I'd need to book somewhere......

There are sometimes playgroups which finish early afternoon, which allows the centre to hire facilities - again start a discussion with some of the parents if possible (great ice-breaker too) or ask the school if there are venues worth asking? Maybe a fund raise bucket to pay for it amongst the parents could be mentioned???

I wouldn't go trick or treating where I live, its genuinely not nice!

Nothing to say you have to stay local....

shouldiauctionit

going_nowhere_fast wrote: »

I'm not sure I agree with this, we presume its quieter this time of year but I know two people who sold in winter and their houses were only on the market for a few weeks. Maybe they were lucky though!

Late October listing though? One can only hope!

And OP, do you think that maybe you're unhappy with the house, but that's not the only thing? I mean this in the nicest possible way but it sounds like you don't have much going on apart from your LO. Maybe take a look at meetup (it's a website and mobile app) for some social groups.

And yeah, being isolated from friends and family sucks. A lot.

TBagpuss

OP, sorry you are having such a difficult time.
RE: CSA - unfortunately you are right, the new regime did away with the old option to seek a variation where the paying paretn had a lifestyle incompatible with their declared income (although that may still be possible if you have an open file in the old scheme) They do now rely almost exclusively on information provided by HMRC. However, you could, if you wish, report him to HMRC to suggest that thye investigate him... You can probably do that anonymously although obviously the more you can tell them about his lifestyle the more likely they are to consider looking into it.

In terms of sayong no to your child - do you give him/her regualr pocket money? When my elder sister and I were little, my paretns were on a very, very tight budget. We each got given a small amount of pocket money each week (this is a long time ago, but it was about enough to buy a Mars bar or similar, at the time) Whe nwe asked for something we would often be asked in return whether we had saved any money, and there might be a discussion about how many weeks pocket money it would take to buy whatever we wanted. This worked wuite well for smaller things "if youi save up 3 weeks pocket money you could afford to buy that book you want" and for bigger things you can use it as an analogy "I can't afford to take you to Disney, it's like when you couldn't afford to buy that space lego because it would have been yers and years of pocket money, I'd have to save for ages and ages, probably until you are a grown up, to be able to pay for it" - children can understnad the consept of not being able to afford something, and it also gets them used to the concept of saving and thinking about how *badly* they want something, which are suseful in terms of money management as they get older.

The other thing I would suggest that you consider is adjusting your budget to build in a little bit of saving-for-treats. I appreciate how hard it is, but if you could re-draw your budget to free up even a few pounds a week, even if it means that you have to allow a little longer to clear your debts, then you could give yourself and your child things to look forward to.

agfain, from m own experience, as a child the answer when we asked for something was normally 'no' - on the odd ocassions that it was yes, or better still when we hadn't asked,but were offered something as a treat, it was a real treat as it was special and unexpected.

Even something comparatively small, like being able to go to the cinema, get an ice-cream from the ice-cream van, or have a brand new comic was a big treat.

Is there a church near you? A lot run children's groups and activities and most will welcome you even if you are not a believer (you might turn into one!) and it might give you the chance to meet mums and children. if you can meet any other parents who you do get on with then you may be able to widen your own social circle as well as your child's.

If your child is old enough, could they join Rainbows/Brownies/Badgers /Cubs/woodcraft folk? (https://www.girlguiding.org.uk/parents__care/moving_up_to_the_next_section.aspx / http://scouts.org.uk/what-we-do/scouting-age-ranges/ https://woodcraft.org.uk/groups)

LannieDuck

You could post on the CSA forum here for support / advice about your situation wrt maintenance.

Also, have you tried posting on the debt-free wannabe boards? They're excellent at scrutinising a budget and suggesting small alternations that might save you money without impacting noticeably. Similarly the Old Style boards.

Do you have any skills that you could sell in the evenings? I know that sounds dodgy (!), but I mean playing an instrument, or teaching a foreign language. Could you offer a babysitting service - cheap rates if you can take your child with you? (I don't think you need to be CBA checked for that, but someone will correct me if I'm wrong...).

I know a year (or even 2 years) seems like an awful long time to scrimp and save, but it's really not when compared to the rest of your child's life. I would be inclined to do as you are - bite the bullet and get the unpleasantness over with as quickly as possible.

*hugs* You sound like a really responsible, caring parent.