Pregnant, advised to talk to dad through solicitor

Little_Miss_Naughty

MegS wrote: »

I'm sorry but a 44year old man who goes running home to mummy and daddy AND they do his dirty work for him - not exactly the man I would want to be the father of my child. Forget him he doesn't deserve to be a father. I'm still incredulous that at 44 he would run to mummy and daddy to sort his mess out. I certainly won't sort out any mess my son comes into. He needs to grow a pair and deal with it even if it means not being part of the baby's life. Just out of interest is he active in his other children's lives?

He sees them occasionally, probably once a month. His children live just outside Ipswich so not easy to see more often I guess.

Little_Miss_Naughty

FBaby wrote: »

You say you've only had one quick conversation when you came with the scan. Surely you had informed him of the pregnancy before?


You've been desperate to ignite feelings of happiness in him by showing him scans, blogs etc... but all this has done is stress him and leave him even more confused. The message he is trying to tell you is that he needs time to think it through and assess all the info and frankly, this might be a more mature approach than trying to organise the rest of your life in less than 2 weeks.

If he accepts this child, it is going to mean a lot of changes in his life. You've already said that you wouldn't move

There is also another thing to consider. Depending how far off pregnant you are, he might think that considering your age, there is a chance you miscarry, in which case, there would be nothing to discuss, so maybe he is waiting to be absolutely sure that the pregnancy is viable before starting to make plans.

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Yes, I had informed him of the pregnancy before the scan. I asked him to attend the scan with me but he never responded. By showing him the scan I was trying to show him that this is real and we need to talk and make decisions together.

I haven't said I wouldn't move, just that it's not something I have thought about. All my family either live up north or in America so moving is something I may consider.

As for wanting to make plans, I just want to know if he has already decided he is 'out' compleatly or wants time etc. I accept there will never be a happy ever after ending.

Yes, the pregnancy has been confirmed as 'viable' but due to previous miscarriages and a previous problem pregnancy i have been told this pregnancy will be a constant lead one so extra scans. Another one this week.

All his dad has really told me is that 'he is upset at this problem You have created but I will try and get him to talk to you' his words not mine.

FBaby

So I think it is becoming clear what is happening. He is truly upset at this pregnancy whereas you seem quite happy (at least now that you've accepted it) with it.

Going to a scan, talking about it, making decisions, these are all the things you do when you are happy about the pregnancy. When you are totally gutted, scared and confused, your first instinct is to retreat from it all. You are just not in the same place at all, yet you want him to react as if he was in the same place than you.

It really does come to this: he needs time and he needs you to respect this. His giving you respect in that he hasn't told you to go and get an abortion, you need to stop pressurising him to accept this pregnancy immediately. I agree that it is sad this it took involving the police, but he probably felt it was the only way to get you to back off and let him process it all so he can reach a rational decision.

FBaby

Maybe, to explain how he is probably feeling, imagine that your boss told you that the office was relocating 50 miles away and you would now need to travel 2 hours more each day. Your boss was himself shock at the news to start with, but has decided to move to the town as it suits him and he is looking forward to it. However, this is very bad news for you, you don't know how you will work out children, you are worried about your unreliable car getting your there, and you are not looking forward to having to get up at 5am every morning. You're not happy about it, but you know there is nothing you can do. You are worried and anxious and need time to decide whether to go ahead with it, or give up your job.

Yet your boss comes to you to show you pictures of the new offices and wants to discuss with you the new office arrangements and how this will impact on your responsibilities. You don't want to discuss it but he keeps wanting to, telling you that it is unavoidable and you need to discuss how this will work when the move takes place. It is getting too much for you and you have now decided to go to your GP to be signed off work because you are too stressed to deal with it all.

Not a brilliant analogy, but trying to find a way to show how your partner might be feeling at the moment.

Little_Miss_Naughty

FBaby wrote: »

It really does come to this: he needs time and he needs you to respect this. His giving you respect in that he hasn't told you to go and get an abortion, you need to stop pressurising him to accept this pregnancy immediately. I agree that it is sad this it took involving the police, but he probably felt it was the only way to get you to back off and let him process it all so he can reach a rational decision.

I think you are missing the point. I haven't spoken to him, texted, messages or shown any blog. I had completely backed off to give him such space. Even the police when they turned up admitted that he had confirmed to them that I had made NO contact. So I don't see how you can tell me I need to back off.

I stopped taking his parents calls etc after they told me that this is a situation I had created - I didn't feel thier contribution was at all constructive. Even the police told me that the amount of times they call, text and message I could have them charged with harassment but I didn't as I don't want to cause any more hurt or distress to my ex partner.

As for being happy, I wouldn't go that far but I have accepted what is happening as I had no choice. I had some very difficult decision to make which I had no choice but to make on my own. Unfortunately I didn't have the option of ignoring this and burying my head in the sand.

DandelionPatrol

Little_Miss_Naughty wrote: »

I'm not going to contact him or his parents - I can't the police said I can't. Which is what made me so angry. The police admitted I hadn't contacted him, wasn't aware his parents were trying to contact me yet I still get a warning.

I personally think he is being childish, needs to grow up and discuss this like adults but I can't force him to do that.

Actually, the police don't really ever know the law.

http://www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/stalking_and_harassment/#a03c is from the CPS and it lists the defences against a charge of harassment, one of which is

"that in the particular circumstances the pursuit of the course of conduct was reasonable."

In your case, obviously it is not reasonable now to send scans for example. It would be quite reasonable to send him a letter asking for his views on a termination if this is still an option. It would also be reasonable to send him a letter advising of the birth - a letter announcing the fact and no emotional overload such as using a congratulations card to do so. And it would be reasonable to send a letter after the birth asking for financial support arrangements to be set up.

The police have no particular power to insist that you use a solicitor. Solicitors are in any case beyond the means of a substantial minority in this country. The point of the solicitor is that anything they would send a letter about would be a reasonable thing to send a letter about and would fall under the defence of a reasonable course of conduct. So if the communication is something a solicitor might send, you could send the same thing yourself.

FBaby

I think you are missing the point. I haven't spoken to him, texted, messages or shown any blog.

I'm confused as this is not what you said in your first post. He told you he didn't want to communicate with you and to go through his dad, but then you ignored his dad attempts to talk to you and instead just asked him when his son would call you, hence disregarding what he'd said.

I did say I agree that going through the police was extreme measures (and frankly ridiculous), but I can see how felt pressured.

You did have options, you decided to take the one to go ahead with the pregnancy. You've done nothing wrong at all and I do wish you good luck, just accept that he needs time to process it all and give it to him. He will contact you and tell you what his position is when he is ready. In the meantime, don't think of maintenance and contact, it is totally premature thinking considering so much can happen until it comes to it. You have no reason to be in touch with him until birth, so don't let this add more stress to what must already be a difficult time for you.

Mojisola

Little_Miss_Naughty wrote: »

I stopped taking his parents calls etc after they told me that this is a situation I had created

Keep in mind that you don't know what he has told his parents - they may be reacting to you on the basis of a lot of lies that their son has told them.

Little_Miss_Naughty

Mojisola wrote: »

Keep in mind that you don't know what he has told his parents - they may be reacting to you on the basis of a lot of lies that their son has told them.

Thanks, you may be right.
I will just need to wait and see how things turn out in the long run.

red_devil

Little_Miss_Naughty wrote: »

He sees them occasionally, probably once a month. His children live just outside Ipswich so not easy to see more often I guess.

He is dad of the year sees his children once a month and dosent want his latest one?

Yet he seems to have a father himself and realises the importance of a father in ones life?