Pregnant, advised to talk to dad through solicitor

enthusiasticsaver

You are being a bit premature in talking about claiming child support before it is even born. I think you should leave all this until after the birth and just concentrate on your pregnancy and other children for now.

Lily-Rose_3

People conveniently missing my point as per usual...

Yes I am sure that lots of women accidently get pregnant, and don't tell anyone, and then they have an abortion. My point was about women who claim they accidently got pregnant but then decide to keep it... IMO many of them plan it.

And I am not saying for one second that the child would be unwanted (by the mother,) just that when a woman 'accidently' gets pregnant and decides to keep it, I strongly believe that - in many cases - she planned it.

I have actually known many a woman 'accidently' get pregnant when her partner didn't want a baby, and then she whines because the father of the child doesn't want the baby. All I would ask is 'what did you expect?'

I personally feel sorry for any man who gets conned into fatherhood in this manner. As I said it takes 2 to Tango and all that jazz, but if the woman is on the pill, and the man is in a relationship with her, then of COURSE he will assume she is safe from getting pregnant (And enough of the silly 'Assume makes an A$$ of U and ME' jibber jabber! That is some line from an outdated course run by the council and it was always nonsensical imo!) Why would he NOT assume she was safe from pregnancy if she was on the pill?!

And this women blaming having a tummy bug and all sorts of other excuses doesn't wash with me; if a woman knows she is not fully covered contraception-wise, then she should let her partner know and TAKE EXTRA PRECAUTIONS. If she doesn't and she falls pregnant, then she can't complain and act the victim when the man doesn't want to know.

As I said, I feel very sorry for any man cornered into fatherhood in this manner, and I have seen it happen to a few men actually. In every case, the relationship broke down; several when the pregnancy was revealed and several later on... And the man has not formed a close bond with the child in any of these examples; because he plain and simple didn't want a child.

I also feel desperately sorry for the child being born with a father who didn't want them and never will. And no matter what; even if the man made it clear he didn't want kids; he is the one ill thought of when he turns his back on mother and child. And HE is the one hounded for child maintenance.

I have no idea why any woman who KNOWS her partner does not want a child would purposely try to get pregnant. Does she think her partner is going to say 'oh how wonderful darling, I didn't want a baby EVER in my whole life, but now you have fallen pregnant - totally by accident - I am sooooo happy!' :j'

Dream on...


(None of this is aimed at the OP by the way; I am just talking in general...)

Pixie5740

Lily-Rose wrote: »

I personally feel sorry for any man who gets conned into fatherhood in this manner. As I said it takes 2 to Tango and all that jazz, but if the woman is on the pill, and the man is in a relationship with her, then of COURSE he will assume she is safe from getting pregnant (And enough of the silly 'Assume makes an A$$ of U and ME' jibber jabber! That is some line from an outdated course run by the council and it was always nonsensical imo!) Why would he NOT assume she was safe from pregnancy if she was on the pill?!

Because even when used 100% correctly the pill does not offer 100% protection. The odds of pregnancy are very low but it's not impossible. It's a risk they both take when they have sex. You roll the dice and you take your chances.

A belt and braces approach would slash the odds even lower but I know that a lot of men don't like to wear their socks in the bath so to speak.

duchy

A few points

You don't need contact with him to claim child support. Once the child is born you claim child support through CMS (see https://www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out/overview). It is NOT "maintenance" and what you earn or don't earn isn't part of the calculation as it isn't about you it's about the child.

Whether you claim it or not makes no difference to his rights to have contact with his child if he desires it.

With two other children to support it is probably unlikely the child wouldn't benefit from you having support for them and if you do happen to earn enough not to need it there is no reason why you couldn't save it for them for their future.

You don't need to discuss any of this with him right now (or ever really if you don't want to) and it would only push him further into his cave.
Yes his refusal to discuss any of this with you is hurtful -but that's the way things are right now -but a dignified silence and focusing on yourself and your baby is a better way to go.

If you have hopes that in time he will want a relationship with this child ( it seems unlikely his relationship with you will ever recover to the point of even friendship) then don't post a blog or make veiled comments on Facebook (and if you've made some already- delete them!). Once he's had time to think things through he may feel differently - or even just be curious but maybe he won't. You can't force him to change his mind and no matter how much you want to tell people how rubbish his actions are .....If you show anger you'll be tagged the bunny boiler ex -so don't do it. It might be hard now but I promise you in a year's time you'll be glad you kept your dignity.

coolcait

Lily-Rose wrote: »

People conveniently missing my point as per usual...

No. Disagreeing with it.

red_devil

Why dosent he embrace it, he might even enjoy it, he is already a father so not new to him and im sure his kids would adore a sibling.

If he walks away he loses a relationship and will have to live with the fact he rejected his child, not to mention cause his child mental anguish and upset because their dad dosent want to know. If he starts another relationship he runs the risk of this happening again, is he gonna run again? He also will probably have to tell his partner he has a child he abandoned which is not impressive.

Why not embrace it and keep an open mind,

There is far more advantage of accepting and embracing the situation.

MegS

I'm sorry but a 44year old man who goes running home to mummy and daddy AND they do his dirty work for him - not exactly the man I would want to be the father of my child. Forget him he doesn't deserve to be a father. I'm still incredulous that at 44 he would run to mummy and daddy to sort his mess out. I certainly won't sort out any mess my son comes into. He needs to grow a pair and deal with it even if it means not being part of the baby's life. Just out of interest is he active in his other children's lives?

FBaby

I think for me, not taking the money means I can have a clean break / no contact with him, I don't even have to tell him the baby has been born. I don't know if that's my pride talking eg not wanting to take the money because he obviously has shown he doesn't want the child or if it's the clean break idea that's making me think that way.

I think the issue is the speed at which you are going. You only found out 2 weeks ago and already you are planning your life in 12 months and more. How far along are you? Did you pass the 12 weeks (since you've had a scan).

You say you've only had one quick conversation when you came with the scan. Surely you had informed him of the pregnancy before?

My gut feeling (and I do accept I could be totally wrong) is that deep inside, you are happy that you pregnant, and because that is how you feel, you want to share this happiness with the person who should be sharing it with you, except he isn't and that brings sadness and disappointment to you.

You've been desperate to ignite feelings of happiness in him by showing him scans, blogs etc... but all this has done is stress him and leave him even more confused. The message he is trying to tell you is that he needs time to think it through and assess all the info and frankly, this might be a more mature approach than trying to organise the rest of your life in less than 2 weeks.

If he accepts this child, it is going to mean a lot of changes in his life. You've already said that you wouldn't move, so what would be the implication on him moving to you, for his job, access to his old friends etc... It is only fair that he decides what he wants to do with the child before even consider discussing the rest.

There is also another thing to consider. Depending how far off pregnant you are, he might think that considering your age, there is a chance you miscarry, in which case, there would be nothing to discuss, so maybe he is waiting to be absolutely sure that the pregnancy is viable before starting to make plans.

Whatever it all is, I think for your sake and that of your baby, you need to slow down. Take it week by week and see how things go. Not everyone assess life changing news at the speed you have, as a matter, very few do, let alone when it was unexpected. Respect his need for more time alone to process it all.

I think it comes down to that book someone refer to, where women need to talk, men need to retrieve in a cave to think things through. Certainly applied in my marriage too, but whereas I used to think that my way was the right one, I have learnt that the male way is not wrong. I now say what I have to say (as calmly a I can) and expect no response there and then. I now know that OH will definitely process it all and come back to me with way forwards in his own time, and it is then that we resolve any issues.

FBaby

I'm still incredulous that at 44 he would run to mummy and daddy to sort his mess out.

Where did you get this from? All we know is that he is getting his dad to talk to OP because he doesn't want to talk to her himself. It could have been a friend. It sounds like asking his dad is a bit more personal for OP. There are no sorting out his mess, they are trying to pass the message that OP is refusing to listen to, that he doesn't want to communicate with her at this stage.

whitewing

Fbaby, you are thinking of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

I agree with the comments to slow down.

Plus I would say that my DH (father of planned DD) is the loveliest person but the baby was not actually real to him until she popped out. I found that somewhat hard to deal with, but it was just the way it was.