Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

Waves_and_Smiles

Please tell me I am only thinking of the following because I am not well and that it would be a really bad idea. This is a crotch biting penguin about abuse, please be careful.

CB Penguin- I dreamt of my first boyfriend. I moved in with him after a day of knowing him and we were together for 18 months from when I was 19. He was an alcoholic and physically abusive but he would also tell me how he was attracted to children and would stand watching them outside of schools. He told me if a man didn't have sex in a while he started looking at young girls and it was natural, I sort of believed him after my mother abusing me. He also used to touch cats sexually and show me (yes, really. A cat use to visit and he'd say look, I am turning it on). To my knowledge the child part was all fantasy on his behalf at that point. He used to make me pretend he was my father when we had sex. Because I had come from an abusive home and was still very messed up it almost felt normal to me and it took a huge effort from my therapist to talk me into leaving him. There was a strange sort of safety in coming from a home where I was abused to living with someone who did the same to me, it felt normal to me. After I left him I had my first breakdown and was very ill for a while, my self esteem was crushed.

I dreamt about him last night and that he said he was having therapy. He also wanted to be with me again and I was too afraid to say no. I was distraught in the dream because I had to leave WaSp and didn't want to but I felt I had no choice. I woke up with a huge urge to contact the guy and find out what happened to him. Did he have children? Are they safe? I feel so guilty I didn't report his fantasies to someone, what if I put children in danger? I can't shake the feeling I should find out where he is and contact him to make sure no one is being hurt. I feel awful, I know I was disturbed myself but why didn't I tell someone what he was leaning towards? I hate myself right now. I should have done something.

End penguin

mellymoo74

WaS you were in no state to report it

Torry_Quine

WaS You are only thinking of this because of your state of health. I would send my cat round to give you cuddles if I could, she always makes me smile.

Waves_and_Smiles

I could do with a cat cuddle, Torry. I was so unwell myself at the time I had only moved away from my own abusive home for 6 months when we met and I was still in therapy twice a week myself. I thought it was just how everyone was, it was normal to me to be around people who felt like that. I feel so terribly guilty now. How could I think that was ok?

pollyanna_26

Was I agree with Melly and Polly . You knew you were going to struggle right now . Hang in there sweetheart we are all here and together we'll help you through . Did you get to contact Bubbly bulldozer ? Maybe a little on the spot support could help you .
Very gentle squishes you've coped with so much and you will get through this .
Love Polly x

pollyanna_26

Sorry meant Melly and Torry - Fibro fog !
polly

Torry_Quine

pollyanna_26 wrote: »

Sorry meant Melly and Torry - Fibro fog !
polly

I have the same problem.

Waves_and_Smiles

You are right polly, it is having to fill in the form and bring everything up from my past again. I push these things away and just don't think of them but the forms bring it all back. I cannot believe that I thought someone who had those thoughts was ok. I was still very unwell myself at the time and being held together with medication and therapy but still, anyone would know that wasn't ok. I may have put people at risk, children, how do I live with that?

My bubbly bulldozer said she will write any backing letters that I need, just ask. She also told me to stop worrying because in the nicest possible way she knows I cannot work and anyone reading my case history would know that. She also asked if someone shared my symptoms and what my life had been like would I think that they wouldn't be scarred and consider them able to live like other people? No, if it was someone else I wouldn't expect that of them. Basically, she told me to stop being so hard on myself and realise how other people would see me.

pollyanna_26

Was None of what happened was your fault . You were a victim yourself . The past is gone and you need to try and cope with the present . I don't mean to sound simplistic but all you can do now is deal with each day as it comes and keep being a kind and caring person which includes caring for yourself .
polly x

elsien

Penguin reply.
I've been in a situation where I had a dilemma about reporting a family member with an unhealthy interest in children. And it is so so hard to do, even when you're well and strong and know it's wrong. You absolutely can't beat yourself up about being in a place where you weren't well, were in skewed up relationships and hadn't had the chance to learn what were normal and what wasn't. end penguin
You know it's the psychosis, so don't do anything that you wouldn't do once the psychosis is back under control.

Eta - no Idea how Gitdog appeared as if by magic. He obviously wants to come and cheer you up. For those not quick enough, my penguin reply got a Gitdog photo slap bang in the middle!