Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

Waves_and_Smiles

Big hugs, HBS. You know that I think your items are beautiful and that you are extremely talented. Don't let one selfish get to you who couldn't even be bothered telling you that they had a problem, that is their fault not yours. Besides, who else is going to help me begin my pretty bag collection?

MU, I understand exactly what you mean.

Penguin- I often thought if just once one of my family admitted that they might have got something wrong or showed remorse I may have been able to stay in contact. They never did, the insanity just became worse, they weren't capable of realising that they may have ever treated me badly. I have said before I remember just before I walked away holding my head while visiting my mother and saying "Please stop. I cannot cope with this madness anymore." I meant it, I had reached the end of my coping abilities. My mother's reaction was to tell my grandmother what I had said and then next visit tell me in detail of how the response was that I was disgusting, I was not one of them and was a <dad's surname>, and that I wanted my mum dead. Then my mother grinned at me as if it was fun and told me that they were all watching me and knew what I was like and who I really was, with that glassy, cold look in her eyes that I came to associate with psychosis. It wasn't even said in a mean way, my mother was excited like a child to tell me, she bounced in her chair. It was one of the last times I saw her, I just had nothing left to give and really couldn't cope with the madness anymore.

On the final visits I would turn up with a bottle of wine, 20 cigs and on whatever illegal drug I had been able to get my hands on, just to get through a daily 3 hour visit. Afterwards I would hurt myself and cry my eyes out. If I had stayed my mother would have had months left of my care at most before I took my own life and then she would have died anyway. I made sure that my doctor and my social worker knew that I was leaving, it was all I could do. Within 2 months my mother had kidney failure due to messing up her medication frequently and overdosing, a month after that she was placed into a home. A day later she took her own life. My grandmother died hating me and blaming for her daughters death, my uncle told me my mother gave up because I had left her to die.

I always found that interesting because my grandmother had always said that she would never care for my mother and that she was my responsibility, even when it came to my mother going into a home she stuck to that even though she lived literally 30 seconds walk away and had my uncle there to help. Yet, to her I was fully to blame. They had a strange dynamic in their relationship themselves, though. My grandmother got a phone and my mother never had her number. My mother felt she could never ask for it and my grandmother never offered it. It was little things that, that gnawed at me, small examples of things just being odd. Despite appearing very close my grandmother would only see my mother 3 times a week for set hours, she would tell my mother when the time was up and no matter how unwell my mother became she would never contact her outside of her slot. They would meet twice at my mothers and once at my grandmothers, they never broke that routine or contacted each other otherwise. Yet they told each other everything with my mother very much in the childish role. The whole thing was very bizarre.

Yes, I am sorry. I am sorry that my grandmother messed my mother up so badly that she became the person that she did and she wasn't strong enough to walk away or even recognise that it was wrong. I am also angry that she wasn't strong enough to do so despite seeing the same situation forced onto her child, indeed my mother perpetuated it and revelled in it. Ultimately I think I did the right thing to cut contact, I saved myself and did all I could to try to keep my mother safe. Yes, I feel guilt but if I had a choice I would make the same decision again. Sometimes, no matter how much we want to we just can't make it better.

End penguin

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Thank you WaS you are all wonderful on here, I have had a little smile now

HBS x

Pyxis

~~~~~~~~~(((((((((((HBS))))))))))))))~~~~~~~~~

Sorry I didn't get back to you over the playing-cards thing. Wasn't feeling too brill yesterday, but also, am worried about losing anonymity and was trying to think of a way round it, but can't.

Was very impressed that you made the cards yourself!



Do you not have a right of reply to bad reviews?

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Eeeek sorry Flybaby I missed all those lovely squishes! Thank you lots

And thank you to you as well Pyxis. I can PM you an email address if that would help at all re anonymity? Hope you feel lots better soon!

Unfortunately once a review is up, that's it. I tried to mitigate it with a comment but had nothing back from her.

HBS x

Waves_and_Smiles

Glad that you feel a bit better, HBS. Your items are also very reasonably priced, for the amount of work that it is clear you put into them you really do undercharge.

How are you feeling today, Pyxis?

I am trying to find myself some horror films to watch on Halloween. This is a pain. I am find with the general horror genre and because I have read adult horror books since I was 10 they don't scare me and the horror part isn't a trigger at all. But there are other things in them that can trigger me such as lots of use of churches or particularly emotional deaths. Things like The Blair Witch Project or Dracula are fine, Frankenstein isn't because I feel really upset for the monster and it makes me cry! I can't even watch Jurassic Park because I hate the dinosaurs fighting and dying. Most Stephen King films are ok but Dr Jeykll and Mr Hyde isn't because of the MPD implications. I love Rosemary's Baby and Poltergeist. Slasher films I just find funny because they are so silly. It is very difficult to find things that I can watch and enjoy.

Pyxis

Blimey WaS! :eek:

I can't watch horror films at all. I can't stand extreme violence and the awful things people dream up to inflict on each other, ghost films scare the life out if me, even though I don't believe in ghosts!

Plus anything that makes me jump is completely out! I just won't do it!

Psychological stuff might be ok. As might 'friendly' supernatural stuff.
But your general hammer horror, Freddie Kruger stuff, noooooooooooo! :eek:


Am getting there. I have to go to a rehearsal tonight as we have a big do in two weeks, and I missed the dress rehearsal last week. So I've missed two things during today, to save my strength.

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Oh I do love a good horror film!

I really enjoyed Sinister, as (after some background research and a re-watch) As Above, So Below. Maybe worth a research into their plots, WaS?

HBS x

Waves_and_Smiles

Hahahaha! I was reading my dad's adult horror books at the age of 10 and he watched every horror film he could, often with me, I grew up with them. They never gave me nightmares and in a strange way they are a pleasant memory of my childhood. I used to write horror stories as a child along with science fiction stories. Freddie Kruger makes me laugh, I find that genre so far fetched and ridiculous that I don't find them chilling at all.

Nothing about the horror aspect scares me at all but emotional situations within them can upset me and it is hard to find out the contents without reading the whole plot and ruining it. I do like ghost films and general possession films, although I am particularly fond of psychological horror rather than the obvious. There is an independent australian film called The Babadook which is amazing. It isn't well known but is very much a psychological horror with a tiny cast list and few special effects, it is very clever.

I suppose it comes down to what you are used to. I was pretty much desensitised to horror films and books through coming into contact with them at such an early age, I know that they are fiction so I just enjoy the story as a fantasy (I do like a story rather than slash, slash, kill, kill). Now, give me something like a drama or soap opera where people are suffering in day to day life and I get myself into an awful state and have nightmares over those instead. I can't watch anything like that because they feel real.

Ooooh, thank you, HBS! I shall check those out!

Pyxis

It's strange, 'cos I'm getting worse as I get older! (Re, horror films). I used to be able to record them and watch them in the daylight, and /or fast forward through any ghastly bits. Not any more.

I'm also getting worse about poignant films too.
To the point where I can't watch any wildlife documentaries because I know that something'll get eaten or suffer in some way. The directors want to show nature in the raw, which is fair enough, but I can't stand it, I feel the animal's terror etc. and if there are babies involved, no way, no way. So I end up missing fantastic programmes because I can't bear the pain.

I never used to be this bad!

Birdie85

Hope you get your mojo back HBS, it's very upsetting when someone gives you criticism of something you made because every item you craft has a little piece of your heart in it. Your stuff is lovely though, so stick at it!

Speaking of craft, I'm a bit miffed as I make and sell pretty, personalised, frames and think they're a bit blinking special and love making them and love that up and down the country (and even across the world!) people have my work on their walls. The other day a friend, who is kinda crafty but not brilliant with papercrafts (I tried showing her how to make a special design Christmas card last year and it was, quite frankly, a disaster ), asked if I had any spare frames I could sell onto her as she wanted to make one for a wedding gift. Not, could I do a quick order for her... just, could I give her a frame so she could 'borrow' my idea and make her own gift! Not impressed. I know that what I do isn't rocket science, but it's still something of a talent that I've worked on for years so it's pretty insulting for someone to not want to buy the product from me as they assume they can do something just as good! It's not the first time she's done it either. It's pretty upsetting TBH.

On a happier note, I'm off on my holiday a week on Thursday and can't wait! :j Work is suffering as I'm just spending my time looking at Disneybounding on Google images and coming up with outfit ideas!