Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

jobbingmusician

I think there is meant to be a very good guide to arranging funerals and suchlike on here somewhere???

Ooo yes, here we are - What to do when someone dies

Reading matter for a day when you feel you can handle it You're doing brilliantly, WaS! xxx

onomatopoeia99

It was my gran's funeral a week ago (aged well past 100!) and someone, possibly my sister-in-law was saying how someone she knew had donated their body to a medical school and it all got used eventually, so there was almost no cost, just something like £40 for the undertaker to take the body away in the first place.

While I am already an organ donor (and hope that one day, the legislation is changed so just my name on the register is enough, it doesn't also need consent from relatives) I'm going to do that as well.

mellymoo74

Still alive

Tired

Been offered time at work to finish nvq so they can start getting me trained in iosh training
This is very good

CBT psychologist here Wednesday OH had a major and I mean major meltdown over the weekend

Did I mention I was tired

whitewing

melly....

When I had CAT (similar to CBT), I found it hardgoing during the process but it was well worth it in the end! Try and hold on to that thought.

mellymoo74

Thanks whitewing
I know he couldn't help it. He's challenging his life from the age of 6 and it's tough
Really wasn't fun though

Waves_and_Smiles

Thank you everyone, you are making this easier for me! I also want to be a tree!

The main thing that's concerning me is if Milliefleur would want to leave anything to her grand daughter, I am almost certain that BIL will try to stop it if he can. She doesn't have very much money at all (I think) but she does have things like her own mother's jewellery that she might want to be passed on down the generations.

Funnily enough, I was thinking of using myself to broach the subject with her Flybaby, and saying I was concerned about my own arrangements and slowly moving onto hers. I have more chance of finding out what she wants than anyone else because she discusses very little with her sons and her daughter is unwell so now she discusses little with her either for fear of worrying her. For Milliefleur there are big distinctions between what you discuss with men and with women. No one knows what she wants because she hasn't told anyone, I need to try to do something about this.

Aw, sorry to hear Calley, how sad.

Thank you, JM! I shall read the link.

whitewing

Can't millefleur leave it to you in the will but let you have a letter for her granddaughter giving it to her (ie you safeguard it and then pass it on via a meeting arranged with the social worker).

Or MIL could leave it to you and you could leave it to Gdaughter.

BIL doesn't need to know at all.


Penguin about death (WaS, only read this when you are strong as it is personal)
WaS, is there a slight possibility that BIL may drink himself to death before or soon after millefleur? Sounds very horrible but in my experience stressful events can cluster.

End penguin

System

calleyw wrote: »

I have a feeling that I will have 3 funerals to organise.

My husbands, my mothers and fathers.

One of my brothers is a waste of space. The other is lovely not sure he would be able to manage to organise it.

Not sure I would be but someone has to do it. And no I don't have the money to pay.

I know husband has a pre-paid funeral thingy.

But parents no idea and due to other circumstances at the moment. If my father dies at this moment in time an almighty mess!!!!!

WaS I think the best you can is just being there to support him.

Yours

Calley

I'm the eldest child, so i imagine when that time comes (which i hope isn't for many more years) i'll be the one expected to sort everything, which terrifies me as losing either of my parents would most likely trigger a breakdown for me

I tend to try and not think about it (though my mum had told me she wants to be buried and if she was cremated she'd come back and haunt me :eek: )

Thde other problem is my bio dad. We havent spoken in over 10 years, and he;s not getting any younger. I need to decided whether i can live with myself leaving things how they are if anything happens to him or if i'd regret not trying to talk. The problem is my stepmother. I can't stand her and my bio dad wouldn't talk to me unless she was allowed to stick her oar in :mad:

WaS i think you're very brave taking this on when i know death is a trigger for you, just promise me you'll read in bits and look after yourself

Waves_and_Smiles

There is a possibility of that, whitewing. About the only reason BIL limits his drinking a little now is because he has to be reasonably alert for Milliefleur. Without her he may just drink indefinitely. That would be another issue because his funeral arrangements would also come down to us.

I will be careful MU, thank you for caring. It is easier for me to look on it from a practical point of view which I can right now, at a later date I probably won't be able to so really it is sensible that I learn all that I can now.

As far as regrets go, I really can't advise you because it is one of my triggers and I still have doubts. I didn't find out my mother had died until 10 years later as I was estranged from her but I was almost certain that she would die quickly after I left so it wasn't a surprise. I know that I couldn't have stayed in contact but at the same time I feel guilt that I walked away. When I first became estranged and I knew she had been admitted to hospital my therapist told me to get in contact with her and try to make peace, this wasn't for my mothers benefit but for mine because I already carried so much guilt over my dad's death. I chose not to do that. I didn't make that decision because of my mother but because of my grandmother who I knew would be extremely angry with me and immediately presume that I would return to being my mothers carer. I couldn't face her or the anger I knew she would show when I refused to walk straight back in there. Even if I had returned she would have made my life even more Hell than she already had for daring to try to leave in the first place.

As you say make the decision for yourself, MU. Forget what you feel you should do or what anyone else says you should do and go for what you feel will give you the most peace.

System

Thank you for sharing that WaS

[penguin]My main issue with my bio dad is the fact he won't/can't admit he was a bad father and wasn't there for me. In his mind he's been the best father ever and he simply won't see it any other way. We had a major falling out around my 18th birthday. My mum put an announcement in the paper and signed it from mum, dad (stepdad) and siblings. He took major issue with this and I rmemeber the car journey where he went off on one at me saying how he was my dad and how nobody else should have that title and how my mum was trying to drive a wedge between us. I remember begging him to stop going on about it as it was upsetting me. He then decided once we got to his to go against a court order and refuse to pay my mum Maintence. My mum rang him that night to try and sort it out and I overheard him call her a !!!!!!. She was upset and I remeber feeling so much guilt, I hated that he had such a hold over her and was effectively using me to hurt her. after that I saw him less and eventually after a counselling session that revealed I had issues with him I cut him out. I did think I was doing it because I was coping with it but part of me thinks now I was just avoiding it. There's a million other issues too but that's the crux of it.

My mum worries about whether I can deal with it if something happens to him but to be brutally honest unless he can admit he was in the wrong and let me down and unless I can accept him for who he is and that he won't change im stuck with how to proceed. [/penguin]