Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

seven-day-weekend

codemonkey wrote: »

I'm so ashamed of myself. I have binged every single day for the past 3 days, today being the worst. I feel icky, I want to purge and I have the worst heartburn ever. I need to hide the evidence from DH. I was doing so well

Just to say I totally understand.

Pyxis

whitewing wrote: »

One of these

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Thailand-Wood-Musical-CUTE-BABY-FROG-Percussion-Instrument-Handpainted-Thai-NEW-/381410398520?hash=item58cdd4d138

ETA: or a rainmaker instrument

I've got one! Which reminds me, the batteries ran out ages ago and I forgot to replace them! Must do that, as it was lovely hearing the birdsong! Visitors would be so surprised!

The sounds go off automatically at night, just like real birds do!

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

WaS, I wouldn't be much help as a gift chooser....unless Millefleur likes Hello Kitty? :rotfl:

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Pyxis

WaS, I've just read your post #1173. It was brilliant! Thank you for being soooooo honest with us.

There are things in it which struck home with me too. Things about how we react to people's reactions to us.

seven-day-weekend

Agreed. Great ;post WAS, very insightful xx

faerielight

Waves.. thank you so much for being so honest, it resonates with me.. I feel so out of control, my impulsivity is so untethered and I think you are right, I am repeating patterns that I have always done as a child, trying to defend myself but not being able to keep myself emotionally safe, and re victimising myself. The more comments were coming on that thread, the more I tried to defend myself.. you all can probably tell how utterly screwed up I am at the mo. I didn't know why I kept going back to the thread but I understand a bit more now.. that reenacting the same patterns as when I was an abused child. even though they damaged me more and more.. it's like, in trying to get people to stop being bullying, I made myself even more vulnerable and unsafe and it won't make people change and it won't make my original abusers say sorry. I definitely do believe that I deserve to be victimised, If I feel anger about my mum or any other bad person or situation I quickly turn it inward and hate myself and beat myself up as it is all I've ever known. It is one of my core beliefs and experiencing more bad stuff reinforces it.. this bowel stuff with the incontinance really has shattered what little drop of self esteem I had.

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was in my mid 20's but I have never had any help to help me understand why I do the things I do, but you have helped me to understand myself a bit better.. do you have any tips to help with impulsivity? Also, how do I go about getting my thread closed? I am struggling so bad with setting boundaries and keeping myself emotionally safe but it really is like watching my own car crash on repeat watching that thread I can't seem to look away. .. the replies kept on coming and I kept responding.. the impulsivity to keep checking won't let up.. It is so awful to be that out of control.of my own behaviour.

. When I saw my mother the other day, I realised that I knew that she would never change and be sorry for the abuse, and for cutting me out of her will, but I so stupidly had carried a small chunk of hope that she might have changed.BPD is such a complex illness , isn't it.. I feel like I would've had a chance at overcoming this illness if I hadn't had a truckload more of a different kind of trauma with the medical negligence bowel stuff and getting ill and disabled 10 years ago with m.e and arthritis.. When I worked and had my career I was never as messed up and ill as I am now.
.
I guess tihs ongoing bowel trauma revictimised me all over again, made me feel powerless and vulnerable.and triggered my BPD.Plus I spend way too much time on my own and my mind is so overactive with worries which span all the problems that seem so unsolvable, but I guess I just need to take things ne step at a time.. thank you Messed too for reminding me on there that this is a safe place, I knew it but I just can't control the repeating of ingrained and familiar patterns. I really do need some professional support, because I still feel in the danger zone. This breakdown has been coming this last 6 months, I think triggered by my surgery being cancelled 3 times since january, because I feel so unsafe medically , because the trauma has spanned 4 years and is not over and because I never had any help to help me comes to terms with the the last 4 years and all that it entailed.

I have over shared everything I have ever been through in other areas of the forum.. I can't set any boundaries and it's always been like that for me.. no one has ever taught me how to set them to protect myself.. I desperately need to learn abou that and I'm scared that I'm going to overt share at this group today.. I only had 3 hours sleep and that was sitting up , I haven't made it to bed. When I'm extra exhausted I notice my boundaries get worse. I've hardly slept since I saw my mum.. . Messed, I used to go to a bipolar group as I have it too and to be honest, they were the most high functioning lot I have ever met.. it was run by the national bi polar charity and they do have groups across the country.. it iis worth a try. safe hugs too you all.

Waves_and_Smiles

Good morning Faerie, so lovely to hear from you. Have a good morning hug.

BDP is so hard to deal with. I have had 16 years therapy, 9 years mostly treating BDP and although now I have control of it the old feelings and impulses are still there in my head. Remember what I said about choice? That is what I was taught as the technique to deal with my BDP. Not that all the incredibly painful and impulsive feelings would go away but that I could choose not to act on them. I still have days when I feel about 10 years old and if the abuse is still happening! But I have learnt to nurture myself and reassure myself that I am safe now, and I don't need to engage in all of the old patterns I used to try to protect myself and to make the pain stop. Because that is what it is, isn't it? We hurt so much that we just want it to stop, even if our ways of making that happen are unhealthy for us. Anything that distracts and gives a moment relief is what we cling to, even if we are harming ourselves in other ways.

As far as impulsive behaviour goes the biggest technique I learnt which I still use a lot is to wait before I react. Believe me, if I reacted on instinct most of the time to emotional situations my life would be a disaster. It is now ingrained in me that if something triggers me to acknowledge trigger, sometimes share it with someone I trust and tell them I am upset, but WAIT before I respond to the situation. My own personal rule on this is never respond to anything on the day I am triggered. I will tell people I am busy, unwell, or simply need to think, but I will buy myself time. Then I go to sleep (with the help of medication if necessary!). The next day I almost always have a very different reaction, a lot of the panic is gone and I can face things more rationally. As I said the differences between my initial reaction and the one after I have slept could be two different people sometimes.

I now know that way too many things will immediately trigger my BDP reactions. I am ready for it and instead of panicking I think ok, here we go again. Do nothing yet! Then I try to comfort myself as much as I can and reassure myself that I the frightened little girl is all grown up and able to defend herself now. It takes time to learn to wait before impulsively reacting but you can do it, probably faster than me. It took me years, I am a bit of a slow learner.

I see so much positivity and acknowledgement in your post today. Read it back to yourself as if someone else had written it and look at the self-awareness and the drive to feel better. If it isn't patronising (sorry if it is!) I am really proud of you. You have acknowledged a lot of things that I know are painful to realise but you are completely on the right track to healing yourself. Give yourself a cuddle and a little reward, you have earned it.

jobbingmusician

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

One of the biggest things that my psychotherapist taught me was that there is always choice. I still want to respond to old patterns at times now but I know that I have a choice not to and I almost always make that choice for the positive. The feelings are still there but I choose not to act on them. For example, in my case I used to create fantasy scenarios. There would be some truth there but I used to embroider it as a way of making others care for me and stay with me. I thought I had nothing to offer people as I really was and that no one would give me the time of day. It never occurred to me not to do this, I saw it as make things up or be alone forever. Slowly, I learnt that I had a choice not to do that, that I could choose just to be me (wow, that was scary at first!) and I found that people didn't go away after all. This completely floored me, you mean people might want to talk me just as me?! Suddenly I realised that I had choice, I could either keep people with me by using dramatic fantasies where I always needed saving or I could be honest and say I am scared that you might go away because I don't like myself very much. No one ever left me and I made the choice to stop doing my past pattern of behaviour and suddenly felt so much better. I had learnt that I had that choice and I could say no, I don't need to do that anymore.

Wow, WaS, the whole post is brilliant. It needs a lot more than a 'like' button , I'm so glad, also, that you are able to take it in the spirit it was written, faerie.

The bit I've quoted above - I don't know whether you realise, but actually EVERYONE feels like this. Obviously it resonates strongly for children who have been abused, but realising that we are all human and love each other for the real people we are inside is difficult for lots and lots of people. Which is why we all put on a front in this culture.

Birdie85

Millefleur sounds like such a darling! I love her sending WaSp to the shop for a whisk and sending him home with towels for you then demanding new lists!

Sue - your trip to Denmark sounds both terrifying and amazing! Well done on being so brave and making the most of a rubbish situation! I've never gone anywhere (further than 50 miles from home at least!) on my own.

Hope you have a good day at uni Flybaby - and no more IBS attacks!

Faerielight, this is always a safe place to come for cookies and squuezes, don't feel like you have to stay away.

WaS - you are so wise. I wish you'd write a self-help book full of WaSness (like wiseness, only squishier).

How is your friend feeling now? Poor thing, he must have been really scared, I'm glad you were there, battling your phobia, for him!

Can the ladies who've been bingeing promise to report back on how they're doing today? How about coming here for a little bit of a talking to/down before going to the shop? ((Hugs)) Today is a new day!

faerielight

morning, Jobbing and Waves.. that is such good advice to try sndf wait.. it seems so dam impossible at the mo for me, but I can really try. You are also right about panic spiraling everything out of control.. I am in a blind panic all the time, as I'm not medically safe, therefore I don't feel emotionally safe either. It is excruciating trying to hold off and curb my impulses, because although they are negative and dysfunctional, those maladaptive coping methods have made me survive, so to give them up triggers feeling more unsafe. It's a desperate place to be and it is crazy how strong those impulses are! I'm going to go to bed for an hour .. thanks guys .. you are all so awesome and wise

calleyw

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

As far as impulsive behaviour goes the biggest technique I learnt which I still use a lot is to wait before I react. Believe me, if I reacted on instinct most of the time to emotional situations my life would be a disaster. It is now ingrained in me that if something triggers me to acknowledge trigger, sometimes share it with someone I trust and tell them I am upset, but WAIT before I respond to the situation. My own personal rule on this is never respond to anything on the day I am triggered. I will tell people I am busy, unwell, or simply need to think, but I will buy myself time. Then I go to sleep (with the help of medication if necessary!). The next day I almost always have a very different reaction, a lot of the panic is gone and I can face things more rationally. As I said the differences between my initial reaction and the one after I have slept could be two different people sometime

Something I need to do. Is to take a deep breathe and not react. And leave it be until I am ready to deal with it.

Something I should have learned with my ex. And just walk away and let him get on with it.

Yours

Calley