Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

faerielight

thanks guys... it's lovely and warm in here I'm starting a depression group tomorrow at Mind, it's not an nhs thing, and to be honest I feel way too ill to be in a group, but I'm going to give it a shot as it: is all I've got. and I'm grateful my gp found it for me

Waves_and_Smiles

Faerie, I want you to think carefully about what I am going to say and remember that I care a lot about you so it isn't an attack at all but I am going to be very honest. This is purely my opinion so feel free to take it with a large pinch of salt but I really do want to try to help and I am trying my best.

You know that last time you posted outside of this thread that you had responses that made you unhappy and you said you would stay posting to this thread, then you said that you were leaving and now you have posted outside of this thread again. Why do think you have done that? Now, it is always up to you if you want to post on any thread in the forum but knowing how badly things can make you feel I am worried that you aren't keeping yourself emotionally safe right now. You are quite possibly risking actions that could hurt you.

I used to do similar things, if I felt people were cruel to me I would keep pursuing the situations to try and make them different rather than stand back and think is this healthy for me? Also, there can be an element(and I am not saying that is true for you at all) of thinking we deserve to be a victim because it is all we have known so we repeat patterns that almost invite that. In an odd way when we have been hurt so much it becomes our normal, I know for me I often felt safe in an odd way being treated badly because I felt it was what I deserved and gave me a reason for how I was feeling rather than looking at the real reasons which felt too painful to face. This led to several highly dysfunctional relationships for me in which I was treated harshly. I am NOT saying this applies to you at all, I am sharing my own reasons as to why I put myself in emotionally unsafe situations.

One of the things we have to learn in life is we can rarely change people's reactions to us, but we can change our reactions to them. There will always be people that we find hurt us whether they mean to or not, we cannot change that. We are responsible for our own feelings and reactions. I could blame my mother for a lot of my mental health problems and my subsequent suicide attempts but the fact was that I had chemically caused mental health problems, I wasn't yet ready to come to terms with what had happened in my past (because it hurt too much to look at it) and ultimately it was my decision of what I did with those feelings. This took me a long time to learn and many years of therapy before I stopped repeating patterns but there was so much freedom in realising that always, the choice was mine. To realise that I could be free of repeating the same thing over and over was a revelation to me and changed everything for the positive.

One of the biggest things that my psychotherapist taught me was that there is always choice. I still want to respond to old patterns at times now but I know that I have a choice not to and I almost always make that choice for the positive. The feelings are still there but I choose not to act on them. For example, in my case I used to create fantasy scenarios. There would be some truth there but I used to embroider it as a way of making others care for me and stay with me. I thought I had nothing to offer people as I really was and that no one would give me the time of day. It never occurred to me not to do this, I saw it as make things up or be alone forever. Slowly, I learnt that I had a choice not to do that, that I could choose just to be me (wow, that was scary at first!) and I found that people didn't go away after all. This completely floored me, you mean people might want to talk me just as me?! Suddenly I realised that I had choice, I could either keep people with me by using dramatic fantasies where I always needed saving or I could be honest and say I am scared that you might go away because I don't like myself very much. No one ever left me and I made the choice to stop doing my past pattern of behaviour and suddenly felt so much better. I had learnt that I had that choice and I could say no, I don't need to do that anymore.

Children don't have a choice and that is often where the damage is done, but as adults we do and once we learn to start making healthy choices for ourselves we can start to heal that frightened child inside. I realised that once I was once very small and vulnerable and that I was taken advantage of but as an adult I wasn't that frightened little girl anymore, I could choose not to be just by thinking no, I am not going to take this path this time around. One of the simple things I do is never react to something that upsets me on the same day or when I am still feeling vulnerable. I have no problem with saying to people that I need time to think and will get back to them later. This is usually the difference between an emotional response that comes from past triggers and a response where I have stood back and looked at things rationally. The two are often poles apart, they don't even sound like the same person.

I hope you understand that I mean the above with the utmost care and concern, I wouldn't have written a novel to you if I didn't care. We are all individuals so your scars won't necessarily be my scars but we have come from a similar past so will have some reactions in common. There is no need to stop posting on this thread, you know that we will do our best to take care of you and support you and that you are safe here. You CAN get through this and make a better life for yourself, you are so much stronger than you think with so much to offer. We are willing to help you all we can but please help yourself by remembering that you always have an emotional choice, and please try to choose something that keeps you safe. Have a hug.

Wellyboots6

First feed of the night and I go and stand in the freezing cold kitchen making up a bottle. Come back upstairs and the little monkey has gone back to sleep. Typical!

WaS could you ask for a craft kits or something, and then you could make something to then give her as a gift?

System

faerielight wrote: »

thanks guys... it's lovely and warm in here I'm starting a depression group tomorrow at Mind, it's not an nhs thing, and to be honest I feel way too ill to be in a group, but I'm going to give it a shot as it: is all I've got. and I'm grateful my gp found it for me

That sounds like a very poitive thing to do, plus as much as it will hopefully be a support to yourself you're most likely going to be helping others too.

I tried to go to a bipolar support group once but went to the wrong building and got in a panic and never dared go again, part of me still wants to go to one but I worry that I'm not "Ill enough" as daft as that sounds, but I feel it would have been a massive support when I first got my diagnosis, luckily I have a few friends with bipolar (I say lucky it's not exactly lucky im just grateful for someone who knows what I'm going through) so ive been able to talk to them.

WaS makes some very good points, I know it's not the same situation but she has essentially been where you have been with similar experiences and I know she doesn't mean anything in a bad way and I echo that you're always welcome here.

mellymoo74

Faerie I agree with WaS.

In other news my boss is going to do me a supporting letter for a move. OH psychologist has said that the patterns go back to childhood and warned it will take a while to unravel (I should be a psychologist cos been saying this foooooor yeeeeears) He's still seeing her weekly and she's coming here (eep) in two weeks! OH wants me here so need to book the day off.

Meeting with director went really well last week, meeting yesterday where my boss started it with 'so you staying then' lol

I am so proud of OH

mellymoo74

MU

Now your life is starting to stabilise a bit would it be worth trying again?

mellymoo74

Oh
And I am going to do a lead auditors course! And now they know about OH it will be local

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, good news on the housing Melly and well done to OH for starting to face things! It will be hard at times but he will feel a lot better for doing so. You have every reason to be proud of him!

I attended group therapy MU when I had my first psychotic break and was erm 'released' after 6 weeks. I had taken a course in facilitating group therapy previously and had run groups of my own. I simply couldn't let go of my training! I was as honest as I am on here but at the same time I was constantly suggesting things people could do and techniques to try, making sure that everyone had a chance to talk and encouraging the quiet people. At the last session the therapist said "So, WaS has given everyone some good advice today" and winked at me. She took me to one side and told me that I could stay in the group if I wished but I wouldn't get anything out of it because I already knew all of the techniques, was capable of indepth analysis of myself and others and was practically doing a facilitators job. I gave up on group therapy. Having said that, I think it can be really useful which is why I trained in it.

Truly it's my fault that it didn't work for me. people that have been trained as therapists can make very difficult clients, I admit to this!

mellymoo74

She said he learnt his behaviour from his mum (er been saying this since I met her so about 11 years then)
She also said we need to get his anxiety levels down so if OH hasn't asked I will (for a letter to support move)

He was in there 1.5 hours yesterday and didn't realise that it had been that long so that's a positive I think.

ETA I am so pants at remembering how long stuff is its actually 13 years lol

Waves_and_Smiles

That is definitely a positive, Melly. When therapy was working well with me an hour would feel like 20 minutes and I couldn't understand where the time had gone. I am very glad that you will be there when she comes to the house, you may be able to volunteer information that OH has forgotten because of his high anxiety and the therapist can make sure that you are supported, too. It sounds like it is going brilliantly!