How do you leave someone you love?

Ophelia_10

marisco wrote: »

The impression I have is that you love each other as good friends. If you had the depth of love that meant you could spend a lifetime together there would be no barriers between you both and you could discuss anything openly. Find the courage to calmly tell him everything you are thinking and feeling. Even if the relationship is over it will help you in the long run to have done that. Leaving someone you love is extremely painful but it does get easier and life turns full circle eventually.

That would be my approach, but he is very difficult to talk to as he doesn't open up easily. The 'best' conversations we have seem to be over text! - not ideal for me, but he opens up much easier.
I have discussed my feelings with him at many, many intervals during our 7 years, to no avail....which is why I am considering a life without him.

Ophelia_10

peachyprice wrote: »

OP is in a long distance relationship with him, they only see each other every 2 weeks, more like girlfriend/boyfriend, not a live-in, fully fledged relationship.

I understand your view peachyprice, but I do feel it is a 'fully fledged' relationship, even tho we don't live together. We may only manage to get together once every other week, but we do a lot in those weekends and socialise with each others families. We do have a lot of contact with skype, text, facebook and phone calls every night so although we don't live together, we have as full a relationship as the miles allow Anyone who has been in a LDR will understand how difficult it is to get together any more frequently when you have other family commitments/duties to see to let alone the cost involved in travelling backwards and forwards.

Ophelia_10

TBagpuss wrote: »

I think the first step is for you to decide for yourself what you want. If he were now to start divorce proceedings, would you then wish to stay with him? Or do you feel that you can't remain in a relationship with him anyway Yes, I would wish to stay with him and feel I would relax and build up intimacy and trust

I would not give him an ultimatum. I dion;t think that is healthy in a relationshi poand in any event as you've said he probably wouldn't belive it. I agree :-)

I think if you feel there is a future in the relationship it would be worth trying to sit down with him and discuss it, either by yourselves, or by going to RELATE or similar. Try to think about why his failure to deal with the divorce upsets you - i.e. if your position is that it makes you feel that he is not committed to your relationsip, or that he puts his ex's comfort and conveneince ahead of your, then say so. That is exactly what upsets me - that he puts her feelings before mine and I have said so....which has only led to him nodding his head in an understanding way, but still no action! Think about whether there is anything else, short of divorce, which he could do which might make you feel that he was more committed (for example, do he and a his wife have any kind of formal agreement about finances in place, do you and he have any formal cohabitation agreement, have you made wills, have you discussed those issues. does he see himself getting divorced in future and if so when / in what circumstances) As a previous poster mentioned, we are not living together but in a LDR but I like the idea of thinking about what else may make me feel he was more committed - thank you

It may be that he does not see why it bothers you, because you have said that you are not jealous and don't necessarily want to get married, so try to think through why it does bother you, so that you can explain it to him (It's actually OK to feel jealous, and it need not be sexual jealousy. You can (legitimately) feel upset / jealous that he appears to be more considerate of his wife and her feelings than he is of you and yours, even if you have no concerns about whether he is still sleeping with her or romantically attached to her. That is a really good point and perhaps hits the nail on the head for me

In terms of how you leave, plan. Work out the practicalities - where will you live, how will you manage financially, get that sorted and then go. Also plan for how you will deal with the end of the relationship - for instnace, be clear in your on mind about what would have to change for you to consider going back - maybe even write it down somewhere .
Think about starting something new so you have a mental distraction, and something to do so you are not sitting at home in the evenings feeling depressed or lonely - register for an evening class, join a gym or film club or book group so you have some fixed plans.
Think about your social life and make plans - for instance to met up with a friend or friends, so you have things to look forward to.

Thank you for such good considered advice :-)

peachyprice

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

If he isn't feeling the same, I wish he would just say that so I can make an informed decision about what I want

But then he would lose the comfort of the relationship you do have, which I fear is exactly as he wants it.

smartpicture

If it helps I've been the other side of this issue before - I separated from my ex 20 years ago but have never seen the need to be divorced. There's nothing at all romantic or sexual left, but he is still involved in my life through our shared children and his continued relationship with other members of my family, to the point where I regard him like another brother.

I have had other relationships in those 20 years. Some less-serious ones objected to my continued friendship with my ex, and didn't last long. One chap I lived with, got on great with my ex and they went to the pub together often, but eventually he wanted me to divorce and marry him, and I refused, and it became a big issue that eventually contributed to our breaking up.

The bottom line was that I didn't want to get married again. And if I was forced to choose between my partner and someone who had been part of my life and my family for 30 years, then actually yes my partner was second-best. So it was best for him that we split up.

Not sure if that helps you or not, but your chap has had plenty of time and incentive to make a different choice if he wanted to. And he clearly doesn't want to. So yes, you are second-best. And the best thing for you is to walk away and not look back.

POPPYOSCAR

Yes you can walk away from someone you love.


It is very, very hard but you do reach a point where you realise that to have the life you want there is no alternative.


You are obviously not happy so I think you already know the answer.

dandelionclock30

Pollycat wrote: »

I think this makes a lot of difference.
I did notice your 'long distance' thread but assumed that you were now living together.
A long distance relationship for 7 years?
I'm not even sure that 'partner' describes your relationship.
I thought you were talking about how to leave someone you'd lived with for 7 years, his slippers at the side of your bed, his bum on your sofa watching the telly, his face across the breakfast table.


Many men manage to conceal affairs even when they are living with their wives and partners.
Your 'partner' has 11 or 12 days each fortnight to do whatever he wants with whoever he wants.

I would be out of that relationship before you could snap your fingers.

Yes they definatley do, I know a man who lived with a woman and had at least 2 girlfriends on the side.One told me that when she went to his house there was no sign of another woman because he combed it before she came, took down photos, got rid of make up etc. He told another woman she could'nt just swing round because he had a medical condition that required aids and adaptations etc he was so ill. This was despite playing rugby 3 x per week.

Pixie5740

OP you either need to put up and shut up or ends things.

I recently started a thread about ditching a "friend" whose sole topic of conversation is a relationship very similar to yours for 4 years. Her BF was still married to his wife despite being separated for 8 years and there being no children involved. She wants to get married and have children and every time they split up he promises that he will get divorced so that they can get married and start a family. It never happens. He has managed to string this out for years and she is now 40 and the longer he keeps it up the less likely it is she will ever have a child never mind children. Why does she put up with this !!!!? Because she lurves him.

" Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."

Gillybean

ignoring the specifics: you've been together a good few years in a happy relationship. However there's this one thing that needs to change. For you, it's upsetting, eats away at you, to the extent that you are prepared to walk away even though you love him. For him. It would make no difference whatsoever to address this one thing.

And yet he does nothing. Says it all.

Ophelia_10

Just to say thank for the more constructive posts regarding my situation. I am going to print the thread out and sit with pen and paper and make some kind of plan. It's been difficult to get across how close we are, despite the distance, but I have appreciated such constructive comments and the sharing of other people's stories.

Thank you all for taking the time to offer your advice