How do you leave someone you love?

Ophelia_10

Pollycat wrote: »

Your thread from almost a year ago:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/66834932#Comment_66834932

Has anything been sorted about the house and other financial issues?

Did he see a solicitor (apart from the initial consultation)?

He did talk at one point about 'walking away' but you weren't happy about that as you felt it unfair that he ended with no financial input to your life together.

I don't agree with ultimatums at all and if you've already threatened that and not followed through, you've shot yourself in the foot.

I personally can't see why he is dragging his feet on this.

Ahhh...I wondered how long it would be before someone spotted my previous thread/angst lol

Nothing has happened since that initial consultation Pollycat And, I have indeed shot myself in the foot.
I really couldn't be comfortable with him walking away without his share of the house, but I don't think he was ever serious about that anyway. He does not want to force her to sell or even downsize so his answer is to just stay as they are...whether I like it or not!

Pollycat

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

So, I have come to the painful conclusion that there is clearly no long-term future in the pipeline so I need to accept that and start a new life, despite the fact he so good in other ways - helpful, kind, loving, generous etc which makes it so much harder.

If you really have got to that stage then I would sit him down and tell him it is over - and mean it.

Tell him that his answer (to stay as they are) does not figure in your future plans.
Discuss calmly (if possible) the split of shared items and give him a clear date that you expect him to be gone.

Of course it's not going to be easy - either to do or live with it afterwards - but really what alternative do you have?

How many more chances are you going to give him to sort this out?
You've had examples and pointers about what may happen if he dies still married to this woman.

Surely Evil Olive's sad story has made the hairs stand up on the back of your neck and your scalp crawl?

TBH. it wouldn't surprise me if he trots hot-foot to a divorce solicitor if he sees your are deadly serious.

I wish you luck and strong will.

melanzana

Pollycat wrote: »

If you really have got to that stage then I would sit him down and tell him it is over - and mean it.

Tell him that his answer (to stay as they are) does not figure in your future plans.
Discuss calmly (if possible) the split of shared items and give him a clear date that you expect him to be gone.

Of course it's not going to be easy - either to do or live with it afterwards - but really what alternative do you have?

How many more chances are you going to give him to sort this out?
You've had examples and pointers about what may happen if he dies still married to this woman.

Surely Evil Olive's sad story has made the hairs stand up on the back of your neck and your scalp crawl?

TBH. it wouldn't surprise me if he trots hot-foot to a divorce solicitor if he sees your are deadly serious.

I wish you luck and strong will.

I'm intrigued, what is this please? Thanks.

Pollycat

melanzana wrote: »

I'm intrigued, what is this please? Thanks.

Post #21 on this thread, right at the top of page 2.

A very sad story and must have been dreadful to go through.
Far worse than breaking up with someone you love because he refuses to ensure you'll be OK if something should happen to him.

melanzana

Pollycat wrote: »

Post #21 on this thread, right at the top of page 2.

A very sad story and must have been dreadful to go through.
Far worse than breaking up with someone you love because he refuses to ensure you'll be OK if something should happen to him.

Thanks for showing me how asleep I can be at times

And yes, that is a very sad situation to be left in. Heartbreaking.

comeandgo

I stayed with a married man for years. Get the wills sorted and next of kin known and accepted and no problems. He did get a divorce and marry me when he was ready.

Mojisola

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

I don't think he has any romantic feelings towards her at all...but seems to feel a sense of guilt and duty?

She has no family at all....parents both died when they were married and she was an only child.

By always being there for her, he's probably stopping her from moving on.

If he properly cut the ties between them, she might find a new relationship.

Ophelia_10

comeandgo wrote: »

I stayed with a married man for years. Get the wills sorted and next of kin known and accepted and no problems. He did get a divorce and marry me when he was ready.

That's interesting and nice to hear an alternate view. I really have tried not minding, but the truth is, I really *do* mind so it's something that bubbles under the surface constantly.

Incidentally, we don't live together. We have been in a long-distance relationship all this time (travelling backwards and forwards every other weekend) and the divorce is the main barrier to taking our relationship to the next level. I don't see how either of us could commit to relocating together somewhere until this is sorted

Ophelia_10

Pollycat wrote: »

If you really have got to that stage then I would sit him down and tell him it is over - and mean it.

Tell him that his answer (to stay as they are) does not figure in your future plans.
Discuss calmly (if possible) the split of shared items and give him a clear date that you expect him to be gone.

Of course it's not going to be easy - either to do or live with it afterwards - but really what alternative do you have?

How many more chances are you going to give him to sort this out?
You've had examples and pointers about what may happen if he dies still married to this woman.

Surely Evil Olive's sad story has made the hairs stand up on the back of your neck and your scalp crawl?

TBH. it wouldn't surprise me if he trots hot-foot to a divorce solicitor if he sees your are deadly serious.

I wish you luck and strong will.

The thing is Pollycat, he didn't hot foot it to divorce solicitor when I 'left' him before so doubt he would now. I have to view any decision to leave this relationship as final. Incidentally, we don't live together - we have been in a long-distance relationship all this time and travel backwards and forwards once a fortnight. Evil Olive's story is indeed very sad, but circumstances slightly different to mine. I guess what I'm wanting is to avoid being in the position in that story

barbiedoll

He may not be "romantically" involved with her but he is still emotionally involved. She plays the "poor little abandoned me" card at every opportunity, the cat-feeding, the leaky taps, etc etc. There's no reason why she can't find a friend to feed her cat and a handyman to sort out her taps, she just likes keeping him close and he possibly likes to feel that he is still needed.

As for the house, I daresay she's made all sorts of panicky noises about leaving her home (even though it is half owned by someone else) thereby ensuring that he will feel too guilty to ask her to sell up and free up his cash. More fool him, he's basically gifting her a sizeable sum, just because she plays on his guilt.

I know that you love him and I'm sure that he loves you too but he is weak and he is being manipulated by his ex. Either he is in a relationship with you, or he isn't. This isn't about you two marrying, it's about having some respect for you as his partner. At the moment, you are basically his mistress, you have no legal rights or recognition. After 7 years, it's time for him to man up and sort out his affairs. If he won't, then I don't blame you for moving on. It's not like he's offering you anything, is it?