How do you leave someone you love?

peachyprice

Has he actually said that he wants to live with you and/or marry you eventually? To me it sounds as if he's quite happy with the arrangement as is and a long way off being a permanent part of your life.

A LDR that rambles on for 7 years with very little change is unlikely to change just because he gets a divorce, there's nothing stopping him being more committed now, he's choosing not to and using the lack of divorce as an excuse to not have to move the relationship on.

Now, if you were the kind of person who was happy with this 'non-relationship' it's a great set up. The company of a man you like, every 2 weeks, free to spend the rest of your time as you wish, some people would relish that, as he clearly is! But you seem to want more than he is offering and TBH, I don't think you're ever going to get what you want, divorce or not.

duchy

I'm the same age as you and my partner and I got together three years ago although we've known each other much longer.

We both still own our own homes but do live together and as we see ourselves as together permanently will marry. If he had kept me at arms length then I'd be gone by now as I feel that at our age you never know how long you have or what the future will bring. Why waste it. Either you both want the same thing ...or you don't in which case find what you do want.

You didn't mention if your BF has adult children and if he does if you have a relationship with them or other members of his family or if he keeps you separate in his life.

marisco_2

The impression I have is that you love each other as good friends. If you had the depth of love that meant you could spend a lifetime together there would be no barriers between you both and you could discuss anything openly. Find the courage to calmly tell him everything you are thinking and feeling. Even if the relationship is over it will help you in the long run to have done that. Leaving someone you love is extremely painful but it does get easier and life turns full circle eventually.

Mojisola

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

He didn't exactly shrug and carry on when I left the relationship before....he was devastated and promised to move on with the divorce...but I accept your point as he clearly wasn't devastated enough to actually take the actions he promised.

Actions speak louder than words.

If he really loved you, he would have divorced his wife long ago.

TBagpuss

I think the first step is for you to decide for yourself what you want. If he were now to start divorce proceedings, would you then wish to stay with him? Or do you feel that you can't remain in a relationship with him anyway

I would not give him an ultimatum. I dion;t think that is healthy in a relationshi poand in any event as you've said he probably wouldn't belive it.

I think if you feel there is a future in the relationship it would be worth trying to sit down with him and discuss it, either by yourselves, or by going to RELATE or similar. Try to think about why his failure to deal with the divorce upsets you - i.e. if your position is that it makes you feel that he is not committed to your relationsip, or that he puts his ex's comfort and conveneince ahead of your, then say so. Think about whether there is anything else, short of divorce, which he could do which might make you feel that he was more committed (for example, do he and a his wife have any kind of formal agreement about finances in place, do you and he have any formal cohabitation agreement, have you made wills, have you discussed those issues. does he see himself getting divorced in future and if so when / in what circumstances)

It may be that he does not see why it bothers you, because you have said that you are not jealous and don't necessarily want to get married, so try to think through why it does bother you, so that you can explain it to him (It's actually OK to feel jealous, and it need not be sexual jealousy. You can (legitimately) feel upset / jealous that he appears to be more considerate of his wife and her feelings than he is of you and yours, even if you have no concerns about whether he is still sleeping with her or romantically attached to her.

In terms of how you leave, plan. Work out the practicalities - where will you live, how will you manage financially, get that sorted and then go. Also plan for how you will deal with the end of the relationship - for instnace, be clear in your on mind about what would have to change for you to consider going back - maybe even write it down somewhere .
Think about starting something new so you have a mental distraction, and something to do so you are not sitting at home in the evenings feeling depressed or lonely - register for an evening class, join a gym or film club or book group so you have some fixed plans.
Think about your social life and make plans - for instance to met up with a friend or friends, so you have things to look forward to.

peachyprice

TBagpuss wrote: »

do you and he have any formal cohabitation agreement, have you made wills,

In terms of how you leave, plan. Work out the practicalities - where will you live, how will you manage financially, get that sorted and then go.

OP is in a long distance relationship with him, they only see each other every 2 weeks, more like girlfriend/boyfriend, not a live-in, fully fledged relationship.

carefullycautious

He is leading a double life by what you have written. He obviously does not want to marry you and by what you have said you don't really want to marry him so


You either carry on the way you are


or get out now and try some counselling about why you have allowed this situation to continue.

Ophelia_10

Pollycat wrote: »

I think this makes a lot of difference.
I did notice your 'long distance' thread but assumed that you were now living together.
A long distance relationship for 7 years?
I'm not even sure that 'partner' describes your relationship.
I thought you were talking about how to leave someone you'd lived with for 7 years, his slippers at the side of your bed, his bum on your sofa watching the telly, his face across the breakfast table.


Many men manage to conceal affairs even when they are living with their wives and partners.
Your 'partner' has 11 or 12 days each fortnight to do whatever he wants with whoever he wants.

I would be out of that relationship before you could snap your fingers.

It's really not like that. As a mature woman, with previous experience of relationships, I know what signs to look out for and believe me, there is no 'secret' relationship going on. We may only manage to get together once every other week, but we do a lot in those weekends and socialise with each others families. We do have a lot of contact with skype, text, facebook and phone calls every night so although we don't live together, we have as full a relationship as the miles allow

Ophelia_10

peachyprice wrote: »

Has he actually said that he wants to live with you and/or marry you eventually? To me it sounds as if he's quite happy with the arrangement as is and a long way off being a permanent part of your life.

A LDR that rambles on for 7 years with very little change is unlikely to change just because he gets a divorce, there's nothing stopping him being more committed now, he's choosing not to and using the lack of divorce as an excuse to not have to move the relationship on.

Now, if you were the kind of person who was happy with this 'non-relationship' it's a great set up. The company of a man you like, every 2 weeks, free to spend the rest of your time as you wish, some people would relish that, as he clearly is! But you seem to want more than he is offering and TBH, I don't think you're ever going to get what you want, divorce or not.

To be fair, the decision I came to regarding us moving on was that he needed to get the ball rolling with the divorce first before anything else could be discussed or arranged i.e. relocation, job searching etc. He seemed to think he could find a job nearer me first, then move and then divorce! I disagreed, which has kept us a bit stuck.

There are definitely parts of this 2 weekly relationship that I like, as well as him but I think it does reach a stage where you need to move forward and I'm feeling a hankering for sharing our lives and making plans together. If he isn't feeling the same, I wish he would just say that so I can make an informed decision about what I want

Ophelia_10

duchy wrote: »

I'm the same age as you and my partner and I got together three years ago although we've known each other much longer.

We both still own our own homes but do live together and as we see ourselves as together permanently will marry. If he had kept me at arms length then I'd be gone by now as I feel that at our age you never know how long you have or what the future will bring. Why waste it. Either you both want the same thing ...or you don't in which case find what you do want.

You didn't mention if your BF has adult children and if he does if you have a relationship with them or other members of his family or if he keeps you separate in his life.

You are right Duchy, and maybe this has been brewing since I hit my 50's as I'd like to feel as settled as I possibly can and secure in my relationship. I think this thread will help me to decide what I do want and it's certainly given me various options to consider.

He doesn't have any children at all but has siblings who we go out with on a regular basis and go on holiday with. I get on really well with all his family