How do you leave someone you love?

melanzana

I am sorry to be so blunt....

But is there any possibility that he might hope you will leave? Then he doesn't have to upset any apple carts.

He also gets the best of both worlds, a single life and a wife.

And another blunt point, sorry, as you are in a long distance relationship, how the hell do you KNOW that he is not still "involved" with the wife? How could you? I would be very wary of that TBH based on the so called cat feeding and dripping taps. Sounds quite ridiculous to me.

I would take a month off work and go live in the flat with him. See what happens, then make your mind up!

Seeing someone who is married but not divorced after seven years only once a fortnight may not be giving you the full story.

Snakey

The only way I would still be in this relationship would be if it suited me - which it might do, but only because I'm a completely different person from you. So why are you still there, when it doesn't seem to be giving you what you want?

"But I love him!" is never really the story. It's usually because you don't know what's next if he goes - or you suspect you do know and it doesn't look appetising.

It can't be doing you any good to be constantly going round in circles over this, or to be putting your future on hold waiting for something that won't ever happen.

Perhaps you'd be happier if you just admitted to yourself that - for whatever reason - you don't want this relationship to end. Forgive yourself for this "weakness" and think about how you want the rest of your life with him to work. That could be sticking with the status quo, moving up to be with him, having him move in with you, whatever your best possible future with him still married might look like. Don't write any options off in the name of pride. Put them all on the table and see what you could accept, and then talk to him.

When all's said and done, it's August 2015, and next week it will be September 2015. You could spend your whole life like this - nobody will stop you (he certainly won't). Do you want it to be like this in August 2016? 2017?

You could be together by Christmas... or you could have found someone new by Christmas... or you could still be sitting here with the same set of issues that you have now. Your choice, I think.

I wish you the best of luck, and it's horrible and unfair that it has to be you that has the difficult decisions while he has his cake and eats it, but if you've left him before and he shrugged and carried on as usual... that says it all about how much he's prepared to give up for you. So it has to be you who gives way, or walks away for good this time.

p.s. You can probably sort out the formalities of death etc by having him make a proper Will and appoint you next of kin and executor and whatever else is needed. I expect he could even sever the joint tenancy of the house and leave his half to you. If you decide to stay with him, go and see a lawyer and find out what can and can't be done.

dandelionclock30

Yet another woman on here who is being strung along. Hes keeping his options open OP and whilst hes married to her then hes not offering you anything.
Do yourself a favour and get rid of him.

Ophelia_10

melanzana wrote: »

I am sorry to be so blunt....

But is there any possibility that he might hope you will leave? Then he doesn't have to upset any apple carts.

He also gets the best of both worlds, a single life and a wife.

And another blunt point, sorry, as you are in a long distance relationship, how the hell do you KNOW that he is not still "involved" with the wife? How could you? I would be very wary of that TBH based on the so called cat feeding and dripping taps. Sounds quite ridiculous to me.

I would take a month off work and go live in the flat with him. See what happens, then make your mind up!

Seeing someone who is married but not divorced after seven years only once a fortnight may not be giving you the full story.

I do know he is not still involved, although I can appreciate your comments. He is very open in every other way and there really is no doubt in my mind whatsoever about him still being involved in that way at all.

Ophelia_10

Snakey wrote: »

The only way I would still be in this relationship would be if it suited me - which it might do, but only because I'm a completely different person from you. So why are you still there, when it doesn't seem to be giving you what you want?

"But I love him!" is never really the story. It's usually because you don't know what's next if he goes - or you suspect you do know and it doesn't look appetising.

It can't be doing you any good to be constantly going round in circles over this, or to be putting your future on hold waiting for something that won't ever happen.

Perhaps you'd be happier if you just admitted to yourself that - for whatever reason - you don't want this relationship to end. Forgive yourself for this "weakness" and think about how you want the rest of your life with him to work. That could be sticking with the status quo, moving up to be with him, having him move in with you, whatever your best possible future with him still married might look like. Don't write any options off in the name of pride. Put them all on the table and see what you could accept, and then talk to him.

When all's said and done, it's August 2015, and next week it will be September 2015. You could spend your whole life like this - nobody will stop you (he certainly won't). Do you want it to be like this in August 2016? 2017?

You could be together by Christmas... or you could have found someone new by Christmas... or you could still be sitting here with the same set of issues that you have now. Your choice, I think.

I wish you the best of luck, and it's horrible and unfair that it has to be you that has the difficult decisions while he has his cake and eats it, but if you've left him before and he shrugged and carried on as usual... that says it all about how much he's prepared to give up for you. So it has to be you who gives way, or walks away for good this time.

p.s. You can probably sort out the formalities of death etc by having him make a proper Will and appoint you next of kin and executor and whatever else is needed. I expect he could even sever the joint tenancy of the house and leave his half to you. If you decide to stay with him, go and see a lawyer and find out what can and can't be done.

Part of what you say is very accurate. For the majority of the years, I guess this relationship has suited me but I have become increasinly frustrated and restless and feel that we need to move on to the next level in order to grow and develop further, otherwise we are just staid and stuck.

You have given me something to think about with your advice of "whatever your best possible future with him still married might look like. Don't write any options off in the name of pride. Put them all on the table and see what you could accept, and then talk to him" - that is good advice indeed, thank you.

He didn't exactly shrug and carry on when I left the relationship before....he was devastated and promised to move on with the divorce...but I accept your point as he clearly wasn't devastated enough to actually take the actions he promised.

Good advice too about his portion of the house and the will etc...something to think about there - thank you.

duchy

Sounds like he may have left his wife behind - but he doesn't want to marry again and not divorcing "protects him -possibly even from himself from committing....and he's happy with a relationship where you keep seperate homes rather than living with you.

This works for some older couples - for others one partner can feel second best so it doesn't. If he makes you feel second best then it's not a relationship worth holding onto as it is stopping you meeting someone who will regard you as their equal and put you first not second.

Ophelia_10

duchy wrote: »

Sounds like he may have left his wife behind - but he doesn't want to marry again and not divorcing "protects him -possibly even from himself from committing....and he's happy with a relationship where you keep seperate homes rather than living with you.

This works for some older couples - for others one partner can feel second best so it doesn't. If he makes you feel second best then it's not a relationship worth holding onto as it is stopping you meeting someone who will regard you as their equal and put you first not second.

I could work with the separate homes scenario, I love my own space too so could happily continue in separate homes, but it is the feeling of second-best that gnaws away at me. I still want to feel he is fully committed to our relationship, even if we continue the long-distance & separate homes. Also, if it is because he is 'protecting' himself and wanting to keep his own place, then I wish he'd just damn well tell me that and we can talk it through!

Laconic

How do you leave someone you love? By remembering that love is not enough. By keeping in mind that not everyone we love is good for us and that doesn't make the love insincere -- it just means that they're not people to build our lives around.
So that's the question: is he good for you? Does he geniunely enhance your personal well being or are having to ask a little less, sacrifice a little more, just to be with him? Would you tolerate this sort of behaviour in a friend?
From what you say it sounds like this is not a good relationship for you, but only you know that for sure. If you move on, it won't be for lack of love, but for lack of everything else.

System

By remembering that love is not enough.

Very true. Love is more than a feeling its an act of mutual respect and on occasions, self sacrifice.

Pollycat

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

The thing is Pollycat, he didn't hot foot it to divorce solicitor when I 'left' him before so doubt he would now. I have to view any decision to leave this relationship as final. Incidentally, we don't live together - we have been in a long-distance relationship all this time and travel backwards and forwards once a fortnight. Evil Olive's story is indeed very sad, but circumstances slightly different to mine. I guess what I'm wanting is to avoid being in the position in that story

I think this makes a lot of difference.
I did notice your 'long distance' thread but assumed that you were now living together.
A long distance relationship for 7 years?
I'm not even sure that 'partner' describes your relationship.
I thought you were talking about how to leave someone you'd lived with for 7 years, his slippers at the side of your bed, his bum on your sofa watching the telly, his face across the breakfast table.

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

I do know he is not still involved, although I can appreciate your comments. He is very open in every other way and there really is no doubt in my mind whatsoever about him still being involved in that way at all.

Many men manage to conceal affairs even when they are living with their wives and partners.
Your 'partner' has 11 or 12 days each fortnight to do whatever he wants with whoever he wants.

I would be out of that relationship before you could snap your fingers.