How do you leave someone you love?

Ophelia_10

Has anyone else had experience of having to leave a partner that they love dearly? If so, how do you cope with it?
Long boring story cut short: been with my partner for 7 years, he was separated from his wife before I met him (and yes, he is truly separated - has his own flat and separate lives etc) but despite so many arguments and fights, he will not get on with divorcing her


The only reasons he gives is that she is all alone and has no one ?? He says he is going to divorce her and will get on with it....but really....7 years later??

I have come to the end of my tether as I feel very insecure in this relationship and at my time of life, I deserve more (we are both early 50's). I find I keep barriers up and can't feel truly close to him and we certainly don't talk about any future plans. I'm not sure that I do even want marriage, but I think I'm entitled to have that as an option that I can at least consider.

So, I have come to the painful conclusion that there is clearly no long-term future in the pipeline so I need to accept that and start a new life, despite the fact he so good in other ways - helpful, kind, loving, generous etc which makes it so much harder.

Anyone else been in a similar situation and had to leave someone you loved?

SupergaryMonk

"but despite so many arguments and fights, he will not get on with divorcing her "

All the best with your situation, but one thing most of us have learnt in life, is that practically everything tends to boil down to sex or money

fairy_lights

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

The only reasons he gives is that she is all alone and has no one ??

But presumably she will be all alone regardless of whether or not he divorces her - unless he is still maintaining regular contact with her?
I think I would also be uncomfortable with the situation if I was in your shoes. If he's committed to spending his future with you then why won't he let go of a past relationship. Have you discussed what the future holds for you and if marriage is ever on the cards?

amistupid

Unlike divorce, you're on his 'things to do' list. Take yourself off it until divorce is at the very top.

System

He's weak.. he doesnt want to rock the boat... he doesnt want to be the bad one.:(

Does he still have contact with her?

Will you be any happier on your own?

Fireflyaway

Even the title of your post confirms you love him. You say he is decent in every way and you even state you are not sure that you want to get married anyway, so I don't see the issue?

Do you think he still has feelings for his ex then? If they really are separated then if they divorced, why would she be any more alone than she is now? Do her family not know or something?

I think if you get to the bottom of this divorce issue then it could all be fine. Seems sad to walk away from 7 years and a nice future over 1 unresolved issue.

amistupid

Fireflyaway wrote: »

Even the title of your post confirms you love him. You say he is decent in every way and you even state you are not sure that you want to get married anyway, so I don't see the issue?

What about the financial implications should he die.

fairy_lights

amistupid wrote: »

What about the financial implications should he die.

Yes I didn't even think of that when I read OP's post but there are all kinds of worrying legal consequences to him still being married to his Ex. If anything happened to him poor OP wouldn't even be his next of kin - imagine not being able to be with your sick partner because the hospital will only let his wife in :eek:

missbiggles1

Are there any religious reasons for avoiding divorce?

pinkshoes

If he doesn't want to be with his ex, then he needs to divorce her.

Are there any financial complications/assets?

Just give him an ultimatum, and tell him that it makes you feel insecure, and you are not willing to share him with an ex wife anymore, so either he wants you or he wants her.

Ophelia_10

fairy_lights wrote: »

But presumably she will be all alone regardless of whether or not he divorces her - unless he is still maintaining regular contact with her?
I think I would also be uncomfortable with the situation if I was in your shoes. If he's committed to spending his future with you then why won't he let go of a past relationship. Have you discussed what the future holds for you and if marriage is ever on the cards?

Thanks Fairy lights. She does call upon him to feed the cat when she is away and sort out leaking taps, things like that. When he raised the concern of her being alone, I did say that I didn't actually mind him still continuing in his role as 'handy man/neighbour' as I'm not a jealous person and I don't suspect for one minute that there is anything going on. However, this doesn't seem to have moved things on at all The only discussion we have had about marriage is what I said earlier, that I don't know if I'd even want to get married, but I think I should have the right to choose that as an option.