How do you leave someone you love?

Ophelia_10

amistupid wrote: »

Unlike divorce, you're on his 'things to do' list. Take yourself off it until divorce is at the very top.

I did do this....but sadly, have done it too many times and ended up reconciling because I do love him and it was so hard without him. I know that sounds weak, but it's the truth.
And now, I realise that ultimatums won't work because I have conceded too many times

paddy's_mum

In my view, his behaviour does not suggest that he believes you to be an equal in the relationship and I too would find that a drip-drip-drip erosion of my faith in him.

Sometimes a woman's weakness is her greatest strength (ie the wife) and it does sound as though he views her as to be pitied and protected and you allowed to just get on with it.

Left as it is, it is not outside the realms of possibility that you could someday be denied even knowing where his funeral is to take place - not the actions of a loving, considerate man.

Good luck.

Ophelia_10

Judi wrote: »

He's weak.. he doesnt want to rock the boat... he doesnt want to be the bad one.:(

Does he still have contact with her?

Will you be any happier on your own?

I think you are right Judi, but this is what upsets me. He doesn't want to be the 'bad' one to her....but is ok with being the 'bad' one to me?

They do still have superficial contact (feeding cat, fixing leaky taps etc)

I won't be happier initially, but maybe I will feel better about myself 'cos I feel very 'second-best' at the moment and this does affect my self-esteem. Once I heal, I may meet a lovely man who is more than prepared to put my feelings first...who knows....

Ophelia_10

Fireflyaway wrote: »

Even the title of your post confirms you love him. You say he is decent in every way and you even state you are not sure that you want to get married anyway, so I don't see the issue?

Do you think he still has feelings for his ex then? If they really are separated then if they divorced, why would she be any more alone than she is now? Do her family not know or something?

I think if you get to the bottom of this divorce issue then it could all be fine. Seems sad to walk away from 7 years and a nice future over 1 unresolved issue.

I don't think he has any romantic feelings towards her at all...but seems to feel a sense of guilt and duty?
She has no family at all....parents both died when they were married and she was an only child.

It is sad to walk away due to 1 unresolved issue...but it is a pretty big issue....a bit like when one partner wants kids and the other doesn't....

Ophelia_10

amistupid wrote: »

What about the financial implications should he die.

That is exactly my question and why I feel so insecure
I would indeed be very much second-best in that scenario or if he is ill etc....I wouldn't even get to know initially!

Ophelia_10

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

It's possible that it's not so much about his not wanting to get divorced, it's more about his not wanting to marry (yet) and this is his perfect get out clause.

I'm not sure if I want to marry either so I don't think it's that. I've never put any pressure on him in that area as we have both been there and done that and would probably quite happily live together without marriage.

Ophelia_10

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Are there any religious reasons for avoiding divorce?

No religious reasons at all

Pollycat

Your thread from almost a year ago:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/66834932#Comment_66834932

Has anything been sorted about the house and other financial issues?

Did he see a solicitor (apart from the initial consultation)?

He did talk at one point about 'walking away' but you weren't happy about that as you felt it unfair that he ended with no financial input to your life together.

I don't agree with ultimatums at all and if you've already threatened that and not followed through, you've shot yourself in the foot.

I personally can't see why he is dragging his feet on this.

Evil_Olive

fairy_lights wrote: »

Yes I didn't even think of that when I read OP's post but there are all kinds of worrying legal consequences to him still being married to his Ex. If anything happened to him poor OP wouldn't even be his next of kin - imagine not being able to be with your sick partner because the hospital will only let his wife in :eek:

Absolutely, and whether or not he subsequently gets married to you is not the issue where that is concerned.

This exact thing happened to my aunt when her live-in partner of 5 years died suddenly without ever having got around to a divorce. His should-have-been-ex wife, who had made no secret of the fact that she was bitter about him moving on and now being in a happy relationship, took total control within hours of his death.

She would not let my aunt have any input into, or knowledge of, the funeral, prevented her from visiting the funeral parlour where the body was kept, tried to prevent her attending the funeral and also excluded many of his friends who she knew had become friends with my aunt. A kind friend of his 'leaked' the date/venue of the funeral to my aunt and she went in quietly and sat at the back while the wife made loud cutting remarks to relatives about her all through the service.

The wife also took all monetary assets, insurances etc and everything he owned, including many things from the flat he shared with my aunt which my aunt was now unable to afford to continue renting by herself. My aunt ended up homeless and skint as well as grief stricken.

Much, or all, of this would have been preventable if he had been legally divorced from his wife, whether or not he had subsequently married my aunt.

Ophelia_10

pinkshoes wrote: »

If he doesn't want to be with his ex, then he needs to divorce her.

Are there any financial complications/assets?

Just give him an ultimatum, and tell him that it makes you feel insecure, and you are not willing to share him with an ex wife anymore, so either he wants you or he wants her.

There mortgage was paid off a while ago, so he has half the house that he is entitled too. No kids or anything tho.

As mentioned earlier, I have done the ultimatums and caved in too many times so they mean nothing now