Husband doesn't find me attractive!

*max*

Marieboo2 wrote: »

Most of my friends have gone now tbh. He seems to be allowed lots of friends, mainly female I have to admit but it's got to the point going out is too much hassle. I went out for a bike ride and he accused me of meeting someone? I almost laughed at the ridiculousness of it.
One minute he thinks I'm looking for his replacement, the next he tells me no one would want me, I'm mad or crazy (I have depression and at my worst he told me to kill myself because my depression was making him feel bad)
I understand writing all this down it seems he's just a prize a hole. But he has a way of making me feel I would be lost without him. It's very strange.

It isn't strange, there is a very good reason. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. He has undermined your confidence to the point where you actually believe what he says is true (ie: that you would be lost without him, that nobody else would want you...etc etc), which of course is complete BS. This is his way of controlling you, because ultimately, HE is the one who is weak and unattractive to others, and it is the only way he can keep you. He is undermining you and bigging himself up.

You have to talk to someone about this, you are beginning to see him for what he really is and this is a major first step! I recommend that you contact Women's Aid, you can call in confidence. Even have a read of their website. http://www.womensaid.org.uk/default.asp

I think you are starting to see the woods where you could only see trees before.

Marieboo2

Well he came home after ignoring me all day despite us having a joint appointment at our sons doctor.he didn't show up, all because I wouldn't eat takeaway? He brought himself more takeout as he can't bear to eat the rubbish I'm serving anymore. He talked about how he had lunch with a woman from work, dropping in that's she's gorgeous. I didn't rise to the bait. He has now gone upstairs on his laptop.

The atmosphere in the house is awful but I'm trying to remain upbeat for my son

jetplane

Oh dear he is in denial. This behaviour is appalling, he is punishing you and your son, who will feel the tension no matter how upbeat you are. Let him wallow, you need to move on, have councelling on your own and best of luck x

ToriP

What a horrid small-minded excuse of a man

Dozey_crow

Marieboo2 stick to your guns and carry on as you are. You need to think about your relationship.. All of these things seem like his issues, deep rooted and part of his personality and I doubt they will change. So as I see it there are three questions for you to contemplate:

1) what do you want out of your life? How do t you want to look? what do you want to do?
2) what is he adding to your life ATM? What can he add in the future? Have you got the will/energy to keep trying with him?
3) what do you want your son to learn from his parents relationship? Would you like him to think what you have is normal?

Difficult questions but they are essential to consider. It will take time. Stay strong.

amistupid

Marieboo2 wrote: »

Most of my friends have gone now tbh. He seems to be allowed lots of friends, mainly female I have to admit but it's got to the point going out is too much hassle. I went out for a bike ride and he accused me of meeting someone? I almost laughed at the ridiculousness of it.
One minute he thinks I'm looking for his replacement, the next he tells me no one would want me, I'm mad or crazy (I have depression and at my worst he told me to kill myself because my depression was making him feel bad)
I understand writing all this down it seems he's just a prize a hole. But he has a way of making me feel I would be lost without him. It's very strange.

The aim of this type of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you're told you're unattractive and useless enough times, you actually start to believe it. You start to feel there is no way out of the relationship and that no one else would want you. You start to believe that without your abusive partner you'd have nothing.

ampersand

Marieboo2 wrote: »

Well he came home after ignoring me all day despite us having a joint appointment at our sons doctor.he didn't show up, all because I wouldn't eat takeaway? He brought himself more takeout as he can't bear to eat the rubbish I'm serving anymore. He talked about how he had lunch with a woman from work, dropping in that's she's gorgeous. I didn't rise to the bait. He has now gone upstairs on his laptop.

The atmosphere in the house is awful but I'm trying to remain upbeat for my son

#
Dear Marie - guess which line of my signature can be your new theme tune?

A dysfunctional, sluggish male oaf fails to involve himself in ANY activity or area of his son's or partner's Lives. He denigrates the mother of his son, his one-time choice of partner, before and since that lad's birth, AND in front of others.

He lives online. It would not surprise me if he has a fantasy virtual persona.

Poor manager of money and priorities too.

What template does he offer your son as man, partner, father?

#
You've had the advice.
Counsellor? - no. Solicitor? - yes.

You, on the other hand, are an achiever, a lovely Mum, capable of working and earning and that weight loss is superb.

You'll firm and tone up as you keep going and make an interesting worthwhile life with and for son and yourself. All your new friends [yes, they're out there] will tell you so.

Being outgoing on daily walks and bike rides in parks and Library with or without your son is a natural and normal way of being. We are social beings. We need to communicate.

He can follow or not - his free choice. Carry on exercising yours.
Move on. Wean yourself off this toxic mix for good.
#
p.s. This week's drama on R4 Woman's Hour is Penelope Mortiner's The Pumpkin Eater....plenty to recognise therein. Ground-breaking then, still relevant now.

Introduction here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b063zt9w

and episodes here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b063zt9y

###
apologies to dozey crow for crossposting - we are sharing a hymnsheet:-)

Money_maker

Maybe a little gaslighting going on too?

OP, do you have a friend who you could show this thread to? Someone unconnected to your OH who could show you how your responses have very clearly laid out how you are being controlled & abused? A family member you trust? There must be someone who can help you.

amistupid

My final words on the matter. I promise.

Marieboo2 wrote: »

I understand writing all this down it seems he's just a prize a hole.

You haven't been unfair to him, you mentioned he has some good attributes and that he's a very good dad.

I think you've been very brave talking about your dilemma and hope some of what's been said gives you the strength to resolve the problem and be the woman you want to be.

fairy_lights

Marieboo2 wrote: »

I have depression and at my worst he told me to kill myself because my depression was making him feel bad

What a vile excuse for a man.
To say something like that to a stranger would be bad enough but to say it to your wife and mother of your child is just despicable :mad: