Husband doesn't find me attractive!

marisco_2

What do you find attractive about a man who thinks nothing about treating you so badly? There is no justifiable reason for what he is doing and he knows it. Which makes it all so much worse.

lee111s

Leave him. He's someone you can do without in your life. He'll regret it soon enough.

harrys_nan

amistupid wrote: »

You are a victim of domestic abuse and my heart goes out to you.

This ^^^^^^
Domestic abuse is NOT just physical,

http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/emotional-abuse-definitions-signs-symptoms-examples/

Please read this article, he is trying to dominate you

prowla

My opinion is that (subconsciously) he is afraid that if you get yourself in trim you will become more attractive to other men and start getting attention.

I know a lady who was beautiful before I met her (from her photos, and looking at her daughter), and had been in such a relationship, and put on a lot of weight. She is now very large, and still hasn't built herself up to doing something about it. It's a shame.

On the other side of the coin, my ex-wife turned into a gym bunny (she was always trim anyway), and found a new circle of friends who didn't interest me, and that contributed to us drifting apart; in the end we had practically nothing in common. I don't regret the outcome, but I'm just commenting that I could see the OP going that way.

To the OP, if you want to keep the marriage, you will need to look for a way to include your husband; if you do go in different directions then the outcome is inevitable.

Fireflyaway

I agree with the posters who are saying he feels threatened - because he might worry you will become more attractive to other men ( ie he is insecure himself) and because you have more determination than him. He might be a bit jealous if he also needs to lose weight.

Could you try deflecting the weight loss away from appearance and focus on the health benefits? If you lose some weight its good for the whole family.

Can you try and do something together? Support each other and make it a joint effort?

If you can try to arrange a sit down chat about it all and iron out the real concerns. Him ignoring you and being childish is holding you hostage and setting a bad example to your son.

ampersand

amistupid wrote: »

My final words on the matter. I promise.

You haven't been unfair to him, you mentioned he has some good attributes and that he's a very good dad.

I think you've been very brave talking about your dilemma and hope some of what's been said gives you the strength to resolve the problem and be the woman you want to be.

#
amistupid - op needs to look again at this, in red.

marie - a good Dad does NOT do the things that this male does.

Don't let your judgment be warped by pauses in abuse or that it's not [yet] physical. This is insidious stuff and he sees it working on you.

That's why you've posted here, a safer place.

As others have urged, think of a friend coming to you with this scenario.
Think of what you would be telling her and how you would be supporting her.

Now do these things for yourself and your little chap.
Hope you have some lovely bike rides/a picnic/dead bread for ducks/Library story session etc. sorted out for the weekend.
There are early blackberries ready in the Fens!

Not essential, but if you can take a pic or two, these will be good for you both. Draw strength from them.

Invite OH each time if you wish, but then just go.

RockOnZombies

Carry on with the weight loss journey its so worth it. I had an ex gf who had an issue with me doing what your doing; I had lost a lot of weight before I met her and when we met I encouraged to join me which she did and enjoyed for while and she lost a lot of weight herself. But for some reason she just suddenly lost interest and made it very difficult for me to continue going to a gym on a regular basis there was always something she needed me to do every night. The upshot was I out on all the weight I lost and now I'm single to boot so starting all over again .

Keep doing what makes you happy and as your doing it for yourself you will make yourself happier in the long run.

indiepanda

It's all very well saying he might be threatened by the change in the OP and put the onus on the OP to find ways of including him in this change, but it sounds like the weight loss has just amplified an pattern of emotional abuse that has been going on for years, long before the weight loss.

The OP hasn't even been going out to do exercise without him - she's lost all the weight through diet and has ended up cooking two meals, a healthy one for her and an unhealthy one for him because he refuses to eat what she eats. So he has had his chance to be included and rejected it.

I've been with an emotionally abusive partner - he wasn't as bad as this, and his target was more more my intelligence than looks - he was threatened by the fact I earned more money. He was also charming to others and only brought the nasty side of him out in front of me or his very closest friends. I thought when we split people would think badly of me - but actually others had seen through his superficial charm.

Anyway - being with an abusive partner is a bit like the analogy of putting a frog in a pan of cool water and gradually turning up the heat and he won't jump out, where if you tried to pop him in a pan of boiling water he would leap away. They start out charming, and then gradually start getting throwing in the odd criticism and then over time become more critical and chip away at your self-esteem and start to get you wondering if you are the problem not them.

You can't make people like that change, you can only make it clear you are not willing to put up with it any longer and if they are not willing to change then you have to be willing to leave.

Lunar_Eclipse

Marieboo2 wrote: »

he's in the high 20s stone wise

I think this is the root of his comments. They are all about him.

He is extremely obese and I suspect insecure and a little worried about you becoming more attractive (to other men.) You've also left him behind in that you're no longer joining him in unhealthy eating, like joining him for McDonalds.

I would explain all this to him. That you feel he is being unkind, untruthful and mean with his (inappropriate!) comments. He is welcome to join you in dieting, but that you will not tolerate his behaviour any longer. Leave the room whenever he mentions your appearance.

And well done, keep going!

Pollycat

Marieboo2 wrote: »

One minute he thinks I'm looking for his replacement, the next he tells me no one would want me, I'm mad or crazy (I have depression and at my worst he told me to kill myself because my depression was making him feel bad)

I think this may be the worst thing I've ever read on MSE.