Husband doesn't find me attractive!

74jax

Does your son hear any of his remarks?
Does he put you down in front of your son?
Does your son see you upset?

Marieboo2

Fireflyaway wrote: »

Having read more about what your husband says and does, its clear to see its not your weight or appearance that is to blame. He is being controlling and abusive. He is emotionally abusing you and he has no right to do this no matter your perceived 'failings'. Emotional abuse in the home is against the law.

Staying and putting up with this is going to make your life miserable and him disrespecting you in front of your child is going to send signals to him that its normal to speak to your wife in that way. Your son could grow up to be an abuser too because of the bad role model he has.

I could be wrong but it sounds as though your husband is taking his own lack of confidence and dissatisfaction out on you. Can you see yourself living like this for another 10 or 20 years? Why waste your life like that.

I find it difficult to imagine myself separate from him. Even going out alone is now something I don't enjoy, not just due to the accusations but it just feels wrong to be on my own. So leaving or him leaving seems if I'm honest like the worst outcome. I don't think I could cope on my own.

Yes my son does see me upset and he hears what his father says, he will often comfort me (I try not to let him see it though) or tell his dad to stop being horrible to me. He gets angry if he thinks his dad is being horrible. He has taken to telling me I'm wonderful and how much he loves me. Lovely to hear but I think he does it to counter what his father says

Marieboo2

I have to agree with the comments regarding my husbands lack of self confidence. He seems very able to chat to woman online, in fact he seems a different person. But very often he will say he hates being so fat, that it's my fault he put on so much weight because he hates me so much and his life is so crap he eats. Obviously I feel very guilty about this. But I can't make him lose the weight.
He also told me if he does lose weight he will cheat on me, very matter of fact. Maybe that's why he is so sure I will. Because he knows how he would behave. Sofa psychology but I feel it's not just that he's an awful person. I fear that being with me has turned him into someone he isn't. Que more guilt

Mojisola

Marieboo2 wrote: »

I don't think I could cope on my own.

That's the position an abuser wants their victim to be in - feeling trapped and having to put up with whatever he/she dishes out.

There are many, many people who have felt like you but have escaped and rebuilt their lives and are much happier for it.

It isn't easy - and there will be days when you wish you hadn't left because it takes time to regain your confidence - but you really can't live another 20, 30, 40 years like this, can you?

gonzo127

Marieboo2 wrote: »

I find it difficult to imagine myself separate from him. Even going out alone is now something I don't enjoy, not just due to the accusations but it just feels wrong to be on my own. So leaving or him leaving seems if I'm honest like the worst outcome. I don't think I could cope on my own.

Yes my son does see me upset and he hears what his father says, he will often comfort me (I try not to let him see it though) or tell his dad to stop being horrible to me. He gets angry if he thinks his dad is being horrible. He has taken to telling me I'm wonderful and how much he loves me. Lovely to hear but I think he does it to counter what his father says

just wondering, what on earth does he actually do that you dont feel you couldnt cope without?

from what i am reading he brings nothing to the household except disrespect, abuse, and a bad atmosphere, or am i missing something?

really i am just wondering what his positives are as all i have seen is you say he is a good father so far, which i think is questionable when even his child is telling him off for being mean to you

Marieboo2

gonzo127 wrote: »

just wondering, what on earth does he actually do that you dont feel you couldnt cope without?

from what i am reading he brings nothing to the household except disrespect, abuse, and a bad atmosphere, or am i missing something?

I'm not very confident, and obviously I have mentioned my depression. I also suffer with anxiety. I can't really explain it and if I were reading back what I have written I would be thinking, stupid woman just leave. But I feel like he holds it all together I don't know if that makes sense.
He, at present provides for us all financially. I could do that on my own but not to the level he does. Then I worry about my son missing out on opportunities because of my decisions.
He can be a very funny charming person, and I can't explain it but without him I wouldn't fit anywhere. As I said I can't put it into words. So not sure if that makes sense

calleyw

You managed before you met him.

I am sorry he said if he looses weight he will cheat!!!!

I am not sure what he brings to this relationship. He says you are crap in bed, you can't do anything for yourself etc etc

You are making excuses for him by saying its you. That is what he wants you to do. Doubt and blame yourself. Classic signs of domestic abuse.

Would you put up with this sort of behavior from a sibling, a parent, a friend. NO you would not. So why do you think its ok from a partner and a spouse!!!!

No one said it was going to be easy to leave. But you know deep down what the answer is.

All the best.

Yours

Calley

lulu_92

Marieboo2 wrote: »

I have to agree with the comments regarding my husbands lack of self confidence. He seems very able to chat to woman online, in fact he seems a different person. But very often he will say he hates being so fat, that it's my fault he put on so much weight because he hates me so much and his life is so crap he eats. Obviously I feel very guilty about this. But I can't make him lose the weight.
He also told me if he does lose weight he will cheat on me, very matter of fact. Maybe that's why he is so sure I will. Because he knows how he would behave. Sofa psychology but I feel it's not just that he's an awful person. I fear that being with me has turned him into someone he isn't. Que more guilt

I have to congratulate you on your weight loss. It's hard enough without someone trying to push you off the wagon.

MSE won't allow me to type the words I want to call this man. This is emotional abuse. If he hates being so fat surely he would jump at the chance of losing weight with you.

Show this thread to everyone you know, nobody will want to go near him after reading this, no matter his weight.

I hate telling people what to do in their lives but you need to get out sooner rather than later. This next bit may sound harsh or wrong but bear with me, I'll try to word it the best I can:

You're going to carry on losing weight until you hit your target, right? That's great. I'm not sure how much weight you have left to lose but you'll do it. The problem I can see is if he is reacting this badly now, what is he going to be like if you (rightly so) continue? Could the emotional abuse turn physical?

Previous posters have given some wonderful advice and helpful links, please look at them if you haven't already.

ecgirl07

Marieboo2 wrote: »

I have to agree with the comments regarding my husbands lack of self confidence. He seems very able to chat to woman online, in fact he seems a different person. But very often he will say he hates being so fat, that it's my fault he put on so much weight because he hates me so much and his life is so crap he eats. Obviously I feel very guilty about this. But I can't make him lose the weight.
He also told me if he does lose weight he will cheat on me, very matter of fact. Maybe that's why he is so sure I will. Because he knows how he would behave. Sofa psychology but I feel it's not just that he's an awful person. I fear that being with me has turned him into someone he isn't. Que more guilt

How old is he? Old enough to be responsible for his actions or lack of actions?

If its your fault he is fat why has he not lost weight as you have got healthier?

We have a mantra in work "I cant change what a person says or does but I can change my reaction and how it makes me feel".

What are his best qualities?

ecgirl07

Marieboo2 wrote: »

I'm not very confident, and obviously I have mentioned my depression. I also suffer with anxiety. I can't really explain it and if I were reading back what I have written I would be thinking, stupid woman just leave. But I feel like he holds it all together I don't know if that makes sense.
He, at present provides for us all financially. I could do that on my own but not to the level he does. Then I worry about my son missing out on opportunities because of my decisions.
He can be a very funny charming person, and I can't explain it but without him I wouldn't fit anywhere. As I said I can't put it into words. So not sure if that makes sense

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