Husband doesn't find me attractive!

System

Marieboo2 wrote: »

I have to agree with the comments regarding my husbands lack of self confidence. He seems very able to chat to woman online, in fact he seems a different person. But very often he will say he hates being so fat, that it's my fault he put on so much weight because he hates me so much and his life is so crap he eats. Obviously I feel very guilty about this. But I can't make him lose the weight.
He also told me if he does lose weight he will cheat on me, very matter of fact. Maybe that's why he is so sure I will. Because he knows how he would behave. Sofa psychology but I feel it's not just that he's an awful person. I fear that being with me has turned him into someone he isn't. Que more guilt

If he loses weight he will cheat on you :eek:

I said it before, kick him out! He will soon come crawling back

Marieboo2

ecgirl07 wrote: »

How old is he? Old enough to be responsible for his actions or lack of actions?

If its your fault he is fat why has he not lost weight as you have got healthier?

We have a mantra in work "I cant change what a person says or does but I can change my reaction and how it makes me feel".

What are his best qualities?

First of all thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond. I have read all the links and it has given me a lot of thinking to do. So thank you all x
He refuses to eat what I eat, it's Not what he wants to eat. He overrate massively and does no exercise.
His best qualities are mainly that he loves our son so much, it's very apparent.he provides us with a nice house and a nice lifestyle. I can't think of any others at the minute but Thats probably due to how bad things are at present.

lulu_92

Marieboo2 wrote: »

First of all thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond. I have read all the links and it has given me a lot of thinking to do. So thank you all x
He refuses to eat what I eat, it's Not what he wants to eat. He overrate massively and does no exercise.
His best qualities are mainly that he loves our son so much, it's very apparent.he provides us with a nice house and a nice lifestyle. I can't think of any others at the minute but Thats probably due to how bad things are at present.

He is supposed to love his son, that can't be put down as a good quality. That's an expectation.

It sounds like his only "good qualities" are the reason you're staying. Leaving him would not make the earth crumble. Things will get better. You might not have the best lifestyle initially but surely anything is better than living with someone who has told you to commit suicide?

fairy_lights

Marieboo2 wrote: »

Yes my son does see me upset and he hears what his father says, he will often comfort me (I try not to let him see it though) or tell his dad to stop being horrible to me. He gets angry if he thinks his dad is being horrible. He has taken to telling me I'm wonderful and how much he loves me. Lovely to hear but I think he does it to counter what his father says

He's not a good father. No good parent would behave in a way that leaves their small child having to console the other parent.

LilElvis

Marieboo2 wrote: »

First of all thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond. I have read all the links and it has given me a lot of thinking to do. So thank you all x
He refuses to eat what I eat, it's Not what he wants to eat. He overrate massively and does no exercise.
His best qualities are mainly that he loves our son so much, it's very apparent.he provides us with a nice house and a nice lifestyle. I can't think of any others at the minute but Thats probably due to how bad things are at present.

He loves his son so much that he abuses his mother in his presence.

He loves his son so much he tells him that mummy is looking for a new daddy for him.

A "nice lifestyle"? A "nice house"? When he is ranting at you does it make it less hurtful because you have new carpets/ a spare bedroom/ an ensuite bathroom?

Marieboo2

LilElvis wrote: »

He loves his son so much that he abuses his mother in his presence.

He loves his son so much he tells him that mummy is looking for a new daddy for him.

A "nice lifestyle"? A "nice house"? When he is ranting at you does it make it less hurtful because you have new carpets/ a spare bedroom/ an ensuite bathroom?

No it doesn't I didn't mean it like that. I grew up in a very poor household, we had nothing and I want better for my son. I don't think I have put this in the right way, I sound materialistic but I'm not.

lulu_92

Marieboo2 wrote: »

No it doesn't I didn't mean it like that. I grew up in a very poor household, we had nothing and I want better for my son. I don't think I have put this in the right way, I sound materialistic but I'm not.

You can give your son a good lifestyle without that. I think most parents would agree that having less money is better for your son than allowing him to live with such an abusive person.

LilElvis

Marieboo2 wrote: »

No it doesn't I didn't mean it like that. I grew up in a very poor household, we had nothing and I want better for my son. I don't think I have put this in the right way, I sound materialistic but I'm not.

I'm not suggesting for one moment that you are materialistic. I was just pointing out that having nice surroundings doesn't alter the affect of his words and behaviour - they would be just as mean if you lived in a hovel or a palace.

If you want a better childhood for your son then shouldn't that be one where he has parents who love and respect each other? Where he doesn't hear his mother being used as a verbal punchbag? Where he hugs his Mum because he loves her, not because she is upset and he is trying to comfort her?

ecgirl07

Marieboo2 wrote: »

No it doesn't I didn't mean it like that. I grew up in a very poor household, we had nothing and I want better for my son. I don't think I have put this in the right way, I sound materialistic but I'm not.

You have already hinted your son is getting caught up in this by comforting you when your husbands runs you down. Missing out on an after school club or not having the latest trainers will do you boy less damage than watching unhappy parents destroy each other slowly over time. Emotional security and wellbeing is more important than extra financial security.

Angry_Bear

Earlier in the thread I did want to play devil's advocate for a minute and argue that it was possible that he isn't quite as bad as it comes across or that he hasn't always been this bad. But from everything you've said I just don't believe this, some of the things you've described him say and do are truly horrible, and they way you try to excuse his actions is very symptomatic of someone suffering emotional abuse.

You say your husband is a good father, but you're dead wrong. The way your husband treats you in front of your son is horrible and will have a long-term negative effect on him.

Please contact women's aid, even if it's just to have a chat with them to better understand your options.

Marieboo2 wrote: »

No it doesn't I didn't mean it like that. I grew up in a very poor household, we had nothing and I want better for my son. I don't think I have put this in the right way, I sound materialistic but I'm not.

You don't sound materialistic, you sound like someone who is so beaten down that they're trying to defend the indefensible and are grasping at straws.