Husband doesn't find me attractive!

Mojisola

prowla wrote: »

My opinion is that (subconsciously) he is afraid that if you get yourself in trim you will become more attractive to other men and start getting attention.

If he had been a loving, caring partner before the OP started losing weight, this might be true, but he was nasty towards her before the weight loss started so it's a much deeper problem.

Tlg1991

gabriel1980 wrote: »

we're only hearing one side of the argument here.

Yes you are right, it is only one side of the story, but if (i very much doubt) she gives the same back our answers would still be the same, the relationship is not working and there are 2 people by the sounds of things that are very unhappy, regardless of if she give as much back as she take or if what she says in this thread is true.

What a waste of energy your post is!

Marieboo2

Thanks for all the replies, I feel awful, in that I have painted my husband in a very bad light. I'm far from perfect and as someone said I'm sure if he were writing this he would say my weight loss has made me a bit obsessive ( calorie counting, meal planning)

We have had problems since the very beginning and I am to blame in that I put up with a great deal of disrespectful behaviour from the outset. He has just continued in this role. If I had put my foot down or shown him the door I doubt he would be the way he is.
When we met I was jsut out of a long term unhappy relationship and at first he seemed to be the answer to all my problems. Unfortunately I now have more issues and problems than I did 10 years ago.

I know I make him miserable. He tells me all the time. We have talked about what I can do to make this better but if I'm honest I feel that anything. I do is futile. He changes the goalposts the next week or I have failed in whatever task it was I was supposed to do. He claims I'm not affectionate enough. But I can't be like that with someone who is just on at me all the time.
I feel like I'm going to implode with rage at times. The atmosphere in our home is toxic.

Mojisola

Marieboo2 wrote: »

I know I make him miserable. He tells me all the time. We have talked about what I can do to make this better but if I'm honest I feel that anything. I do is futile. He changes the goalposts the next week or I have failed in whatever task it was I was supposed to do. He claims I'm not affectionate enough. But I can't be like that with someone who is just on at me all the time.
I feel like I'm going to implode with rage at times. The atmosphere in our home is toxic.

Please talk to Women's Aid.

Marieboo2

Pollycat wrote: »

I think this may be the worst thing I've ever read on MSE.

It does sound awful, but I should perhaps put it in context. I had an episode of very severe depression. I was suicidal and not much use to anyone at this point. I can understand this must have been stressful for him. I was close to a breakdown at my worst and he said he couldn't take it anymore, it was making him depressed and maybe if that was what I wanted I should just do everyone a favour and kill myself. He was in a bad place when he said it.

Pollycat

Marieboo2 wrote: »

It does sound awful, but I should perhaps put it in context. I had an episode of very severe depression. I was suicidal and not much use to anyone at this point. I can understand this must have been stressful for him. I was close to a breakdown at my worst and he said he couldn't take it anymore, it was making him depressed and maybe if that was what I wanted I should just do everyone a favour and kill myself. He was in a bad place when he said it.

I don't think your comments have put what he said into context at all. It still sounds as bad as how you put it in your earlier post.

You were ill.
He wasn't supportive.

When most people are ill, they are often not much use to anyone.

Don't you think you should stop making excuses for him?

LilElvis

Marieboo2 wrote: »

It does sound awful, but I should perhaps put it in context. I had an episode of very severe depression. I was suicidal and not much use to anyone at this point. I can understand this must have been stressful for him. I was close to a breakdown at my worst and he said he couldn't take it anymore, it was making him depressed and maybe if that was what I wanted I should just do everyone a favour and kill myself. He was in a bad place when he said it.

Has he ever apologised for saying this?

I'm not surprised you have suffered from depression when your partner seems to take pleasure in insulting and belittling you.

harrys_nan

Marieboo2 wrote: »

It does sound awful, but I should perhaps put it in context. I had an episode of very severe depression. I was suicidal and not much use to anyone at this point. I can understand this must have been stressful for him. I was close to a breakdown at my worst and he said he couldn't take it anymore, it was making him depressed and maybe if that was what I wanted I should just do everyone a favour and kill myself. He was in a bad place when he said it.

I think he has ground you down so bloody much, that now you are thinking that everything is your fault, IT BLOODY WELL AINT.
I am not one for telling anyone how to live their lives, or to get rid of a partner,but in your case I am telling you that you deserve much, much better than the life you are living at the moment and I will even say perhaps he does too.
He took the mickey along with his friends when you were larger and now he is still putting you down now you have lost weight, he puts you down in front of your child, do you want your son to treat women like that when he grows up? He will because that's how he sees his dad treat you.
Did you read that link I posted? If that's not describing his treatment of you, the.n I do not know what is.
Please think about yourself for once

-taff

Marieboo2 wrote: »

I know I make him miserable. He tells me all the time. We have talked about what I can do to make this better but if I'm honest I feel that anything. I do is futile.

because.....

Marieboo2 wrote: »

He changes the goalposts the next week or I have failed in whatever task it was I was supposed to do. He claims I'm not affectionate enough.

And you are supposed to be affectionate with someone who looks at women online, tells you you're not pretty, you're not good enough, you're not paying him enough attention, who slags you off in front of your son and to his mates....

Personally, I'd be fetching one of my lump hammers to someone who did that to me....


Insecurity is one thing, being an outright bloody bully is another.

Fireflyaway

Having read more about what your husband says and does, its clear to see its not your weight or appearance that is to blame. He is being controlling and abusive. He is emotionally abusing you and he has no right to do this no matter your perceived 'failings'. Emotional abuse in the home is against the law.

Staying and putting up with this is going to make your life miserable and him disrespecting you in front of your child is going to send signals to him that its normal to speak to your wife in that way. Your son could grow up to be an abuser too because of the bad role model he has.

I could be wrong but it sounds as though your husband is taking his own lack of confidence and dissatisfaction out on you. Can you see yourself living like this for another 10 or 20 years? Why waste your life like that.