Husband doesn't find me attractive!

KiKi

You would cope. You would. You may not feel like that now, but that's either because you lack confidence or he's make you feel like that - or both.

But the truth is that if you were not living with him you would cope. It may not always feel easy, but it will feel free, and much less toxic. Don't underestimate the power of feeling free once you're out of something, even though you may not be able to see it whilst you're stuck in it.

You don't need to see this as permanent, if that's too much for you. But at the very least you need some time apart. It may help you realise what you're able to cope with, and give him a kick up the backside. Right now, he's relying on your apathy to stay. He has no reason to change because he's been 'permitted' to behave like that (not saying it's right, just saying that'll be his reasoning).

Get out, with your son, and take a break. Your son may miss out on some opportunities financially - although if he's as great a father as you say he is, I'm sure hubby will pay. But much better to occasionally miss out than spend time comforting you and hearing his dad role model an abusive man.

Sorry. I hate how some people jump on the 'abusive relationship' bandwagon very quickly on this forum, but on this occasion it's absolutely spot on.

KiKi

Better_Days

Marieboo2 wrote: »

No it doesn't I didn't mean it like that. I grew up in a very poor household, we had nothing and I want better for my son. I don't think I have put this in the right way, I sound materialistic but I'm not.

I do know what you mean. I grew up in a household where there was very little money and we were a miserable family (although not only for financial reasons). I swore I would never live like that again. Then just over 10 years ago I was retired on ill health grounds and haven't been well enough to work since. This has resulted in a reduction in income, but we have adjusted.

Don't underestimate the emotional energy that will be available to you when you get out of a toxic environment. Living in an emotionally abusive household damages both you and your son. The price of being comfortably off is not worth paying.

Amber_Sunshine

I lived with a depressed alcoholic, and never, never would have told him to off himself, no matter how bad it got (and it was bad).

You are married to a bully who doesn't have the b***s to do anything about the things that he feels are going wrong in his life, so he blames you. It's easier.

Marieboo2 wrote: »

It does sound awful, but I should perhaps put it in context. I had an episode of very severe depression. I was suicidal and not much use to anyone at this point. I can understand this must have been stressful for him. I was close to a breakdown at my worst and he said he couldn't take it anymore, it was making him depressed and maybe if that was what I wanted I should just do everyone a favour and kill myself. He was in a bad place when he said it.

Amber_Sunshine

As people have said, he's conditioned you to think you can't manage without him. That's emotional abuse.

10 years ago I would never have thought I could cope on my own. I also suffer from anxiety. But once I broke free I flourished. I won't kid you that it was easy. It wasn't. But I put in the groundwork and now it's paying off. I live abroad, have amazing friends, and love my life. YOU CAN DO IT! You'll be surprised what strengths you discover if you break free of this bully who is making your life miserable.

Marieboo2 wrote: »

I'm not very confident, and obviously I have mentioned my depression. I also suffer with anxiety. I can't really explain it and if I were reading back what I have written I would be thinking, stupid woman just leave. But I feel like he holds it all together I don't know if that makes sense.
He, at present provides for us all financially. I could do that on my own but not to the level he does. Then I worry about my son missing out on opportunities because of my decisions.
He can be a very funny charming person, and I can't explain it but without him I wouldn't fit anywhere. As I said I can't put it into words. So not sure if that makes sense

maman

KiKi wrote: »

I hate how some people jump on the 'abusive relationship' bandwagon very quickly on this forum, but on this occasion it's absolutely spot on.

KiKi

Agree completely.


OP, you've made a start standing up to this bully by losing weight against his wishes. I'd definitely leave and make a life for yourself and your son.

Pollycat

Marieboo2 wrote: »

I have to agree with the comments regarding my husbands lack of self confidence. He seems very able to chat to woman online, in fact he seems a different person. But very often he will say he hates being so fat, that it's my fault he put on so much weight because he hates me so much and his life is so crap he eats. Obviously I feel very guilty about this. But I can't make him lose the weight.
He also told me if he does lose weight he will cheat on me, very matter of fact. Maybe that's why he is so sure I will. Because he knows how he would behave. Sofa psychology but I feel it's not just that he's an awful person. I fear that being with me has turned him into someone he isn't. Que more guilt

Lordy! Lordy!
It just gets worse!

I posted this the other day:

Pollycat wrote: »

Marieboo2
I would sit down and read through what you have written about this man, how he has treated/is treating you, the things he's said to you and seriously consider if it is worth putting up with it.

Then take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror.
Is this the life you want for yourself?
Look at your son.
Is this the life you want for him?
Do you really want him growing up listening to his Father degrading and denigrating his Mum?

No amount of 'nice lifestyle' would make me put up with being treated as you say he is treating you.

calleyw

I once read this

We stay in the relationship/job etc because we are more scared of leaving than staying.

That is what is stopping you leaving. You think it is going to be worse once you have left. But it will be so much better. I can't imagine being with someone who does not support me in anything I do.

As has already been said. if you leave you will get help with benefits so it won't be so bad and your husband will have to pay 15% of his income to you for your son.

Yours

Calley

Mojisola

Marieboo2 wrote: »

Yes my son does see me upset and he hears what his father says, he will often comfort me (I try not to let him see it though) or tell his dad to stop being horrible to me.

He gets angry if he thinks his dad is being horrible.

He has taken to telling me I'm wonderful and how much he loves me. Lovely to hear but I think he does it to counter what his father says

One of the saddest cases we had to deal with at school was a six year old boy who frequently lost it completely - on one occasion it took two police officers and a big male social worker to restrain him.

He was so overwhelmed by the need to protect his mother from his father's behaviour that he couldn't cope when made to come to school and physically lashed out.

ecgirl07

Marieboo2 wrote: »

I'm not very confident, and obviously I have mentioned my depression. I also suffer with anxiety. I can't really explain it and if I were reading back what I have written I would be thinking, stupid woman just leave. But I feel like he holds it all together I don't know if that makes sense.
He, at present provides for us all financially. I could do that on my own but not to the level he does. Then I worry about my son missing out on opportunities because of my decisions.
He can be a very funny charming person, and I can't explain it but without him I wouldn't fit anywhere. As I said I can't put it into words. So not sure if that makes sense

Did you suffer from anxiety before you met him? Living with him would cause most of us anxiety. You may find outwith his negative sphere of influence you are less anxious.

Mojisola

Marieboo2 wrote: »

When we met I was jsut out of a long term unhappy relationship and at first he seemed to be the answer to all my problems.

Unfortunately I now have more issues and problems than I did 10 years ago.

I know I make him miserable. He tells me all the time.

Abusers usually look out for someone who is in a vulnerable state - it's much easier to start controlling someone who isn't in a secure, stable state of mind.

He might tell you that you make him miserable but you don't. Do you really think that he would still be with you if he didn't want to be there?

He's there because he gets pleasure from controlling you, making you feel unsure of yourself and jumping to try to make things better for him. It makes him feel powerful but he will need to make things more extreme to continue enjoying that power.

You losing weight is a major challenge to his control over you. If you continue with doing something you have chosen to you for yourself, he will try to undermine you and make other areas of your life so bad that you will give up for a quiet life.