Husband doesn't find me attractive!

*max*

Marieboo2 wrote: »

I worked part time until recently. So I could return if needs be and the house is in joint names as are most of our assists. We have separate bank accounts thankfully, as he isn't great with money.

I'm hoping that if he thinks this is the road we are heading on he will realise. If not then maybe it's nothing to do with my weight, I'm simply not the person he wants to be with and he doesn't have the guts to admit it

But what about the person YOU want to be with? Is he that person? Why should his wishes take precedence over yours? Why should you have to wait until HE decides what he wants? What about what YOU want? You need to take back the reins in that relationship, he is walking all over you and you're just waiting for him to stop doing it of his own accord. It won't happen!

bagpussbear

Firstly, very well done to you on the weight loss. It's a hard thing to do, so you should be proud of yourself :-)

I agree with other posters comments here, about it being a confidence thing. It's given you a boost, given you confidence and it's knocked his.

What does he hope to achieve by insulting you though! Silly man.

I hope you can find a way to sit him down, and say that you cannot put up his behaviour, because he is going to lose you if he carries on. But that you love him, and can see that your weight loss has somehow scared him. And hopefully he will open up, and you can go from there.

I can't see how your marriage can continue in the manner it's going because of his attitude, so I hope things change for you soon. All the best OP.

Angry_Bear

Marieboo2 wrote: »

Maybe we should try counselling.

Everything you've has convinced me that, to him, this isn't about how you look but about his self esteem.
Having you feeling happy and good about yourself is making him (more?) insecure, and he's reacting to this by trying to make you feel crappy.
This is not unusual, in fact the break-up rates after weight loss are pretty high. I'm sure one party thinks this is because the other goes looking for someone new, but I'm also sure this isn't always the case.

I had quite a few similar issues with my OH when I lost a lot of weight. It took a while before we worked through it and he settled in to the "new me" - he says that now it makes him really happy to see how full of energy and chipper I am, but that it took him a while to adjust. He never said any of the horrible things to me that your OH has said to you - and I'm not sure I could have forgiven him if he had - but he definitely struggled and things were strained between us for a while. He tells me now that he was convinced that either I was looking for someone else, or would when I realised that other people found me attractive. Me feeling so much better about myself also kept reminding him of all the thing he wasn't too happy with about himself.
Don't forget that it really isn't just a new look, losing a significant amount of weight will also change your personality (self-esteem makes a huge difference).

It may be that the things he's said and done are unforgivable, but 10 years and a child is a lot to throw away, and counselling might be worth a try (if he'll agree to go, if he won't then there isn't much you can do).

siaoeh

he certainly doesn't sound like a good father at all!! read back what you wrote about how he behaved towards you, your family behind their backs etc, all that has an impact on your son, and its all negative hun. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that is the right way to behave as a person/husband? He sounds like a controlling, bullying, mean spirited and hypocritical person, low self esteem or not, that is not an excuse.

all these negativity hasn't really started only because of your weightloss (which is awesome btw, credits to your determination). Its always been there, but your self esteem was so low anyway you wouldn't have noticed it wasn't right to feel horrible about yourself. For him to brush off his mates making fun of you as banter makes him a pathetic husband and it shows how much he values you as a person/wife/mother of his son. All these are things your son will be picking up subconsciously.

duchy

Marieboo2 wrote: »

But he obviously wasn't happy with me when I was larger, he moaned to his friends about my size they laughed behind my back and he constantly checks out women. On Facebook and in my presence. Always thin ones. So surely having a nicer looking wife would be a good thing? That's what confuses me.

Sorry I think I missed the part where you explained why you want to be with such a loser ?

I'm not surprised he's worried -He knows he is batting waaaaay above his own level !

What do YOUR friends say about how you look (or has he driven them all away in his efforts to keep you?) He's a control freak - you may love him enough to be prepared to put up with it.....but at least you now see him as he really is.

Rebel_Cause

I was binging on a TV show called 'My 600lb Life' and there was a man on there who didn't like the fact that his wife was trying to lose weight. He then started chatting to other women online, who were as big as her. There was another guy who kept talking about bacon being the best food and it should be in every meal.. in front of her!

As someone else has mentioned before, it sounds like he is insecure and is threatened in case other men find you attractive and he is not actively doing anything to make himself attractive and taking care of his shape and appearance.

I too saw myself in a picture and saw how big and out of shape I was and we made the JOINT DECISION to lead a healthier lifestyle.

Marieboo2

Most of my friends have gone now tbh. He seems to be allowed lots of friends, mainly female I have to admit but it's got to the point going out is too much hassle. I went out for a bike ride and he accused me of meeting someone? I almost laughed at the ridiculousness of it.
One minute he thinks I'm looking for his replacement, the next he tells me no one would want me, I'm mad or crazy (I have depression and at my worst he told me to kill myself because my depression was making him feel bad)
I understand writing all this down it seems he's just a prize a hole. But he has a way of making me feel I would be lost without him. It's very strange.

LilElvis

Marieboo2 wrote: »

Most of my friends have gone now tbh. He seems to be allowed lots of friends, mainly female I have to admit but it's got to the point going out is too much hassle. I went out for a bike ride and he accused me of meeting someone? I almost laughed at the ridiculousness of it.
One minute he jinks I'm looking for his replacement, the next he tells me no one would want me, I'm mad or crazy (I have depression and at my worst he told me to kill myself because my depression was making him feel bad)
I understand writing all this down it seems he's just a prize a hole. But he has a way of making me feel I would be lost without him. It's very strange.

It's not strange - it's called control. He has possibly/probably alienated you from your friends, he has made you feel demoralised, ground down and pretty worthless. He has you exactly where he wants you - with his foot metaphorically on your neck and your face in the dirt.

Is this what you want for the next 10, 20, 30 years? Is this what you want your son to grow up thinking is a normal relationship?

You've shown that you have strength, you just need to muster it to make your life better - with or without him - for the sake of your sanity and the long term well being of your son.

calleyw

Marieboo2 wrote: »

One minute he thinks I'm looking for his replacement, the next he tells me no one would want me, I'm mad or crazy (I have depression and at my worst he told me to kill myself because my depression was making him feel bad)
I understand writing all this down it seems he's just a prize a hole. But he has a way of making me feel I would be lost without him. It's very strange.

You are nearly at your lightbulb moment. You said he is a hole.

You are better off with out him. it is classic domestic abuse. He tells you no one would want you. Of course they would.

You don't need this and he damn well knows that you can manage with out him. Please if you were my friend I would there for you and helping you get out this.

Not sure you said how old you were but do you want to put up with this for the next 20/30/40 yrs of this.

Please think of yourself and your child and no one else.

Yours

Calley

jetplane

I think everyone agrees it is about his self esteem and not you. Well done on the weight loss and don't allow this man to manipulate you.

His status quo is threatened, he is obese, probably feels unattractive, appears to have low self confidence which he disguises by being the life and soul. He puts you down to make himself feel superior. He has an overweight wife who is never going to stray, he reminds her no one would want her and all of this gives him a measure of security.

But woah, this wife is losing weight, never mind that she says she's not interested in other men. You don't have to go out anywhere or with other people, you might want to do active stuff with your family, like run in the park, go for long walks, ride a bike, want sex or more sex :eek: And he can't cope with this, he is going to be pushed out of his comfort zone.

This is all about him, you keep going the way you are, you may well leave him behind but it will be because of his attitude not your weight loss. If you feel strongly about staying together I think you probably need councelling.