Are you dating an emotional manipulator?

calleyw

I doubt anyone would admit they are emotional manipulator.

But if you are. why do you do it and what do you get out of doing it?

Yours

Calley

DFlights

I grew up with one of these types - my father was a supreme emotional manipulator and narcissist. He was so good at it, that people really didn't believe that he was as nasty as he was.

I ended up cutting contact with all of my blood relatives because I couldn't cope any more, and none of them would believe me. I honestly thought I was going mad, until I removed him from my life and realised that what he was like wasn't ""normal".

Good luck with dealing with this.

BigAunty

Some of the key behaviours remind me about the common domestic abuse threads here, particularly in the way the OPs will say that the person who is driving them to despair with criticism is seen as the pillar of the community by others who don't get the full picture.

Also, in the way that the manipulators make dramatic pitches to change once it is clear the relationship may be ended but it just can't last because their behaviour is as intrinsic as their eye colour or breathing so always returns at some point to the same degree.

VfM4meplse

Living with someone that fits this description is my idea of hell. I have no idea why people are so tolerant of poor behaviour.

PeacefulWaters

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Living with someone that fits this description is my idea of hell. I have no idea why people are so tolerant of poor behaviour.

Because I was brought up with my Dad behaving in a similar way, so it's "normal" to me.

Because the person I married has shown glimpses of being a genuinely wonderful person. But they are just glimpses.

Because challenging the behaviour is rewarded with a response that leaves you twisted in knots and wondering if you're the unreasonable one.

Because there's a child involved.

Because I'm too soft.

pinkandblueshoe

People who wonder why people stay have clearly never been in a relationship like this.

Some people are of the view that if there's a child involved you stick it out to the bitter end

I disagree. People like this rarely change. So be prepared to put up with more of the same for another 20 years.

Glimpses aren't enough. If someone treats you like dirt the majority of the time your relationship is toxic.

And that's not good for a child to grow up around.

Kayalana99

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Living with someone that fits this description is my idea of hell. I have no idea why people are so tolerant of poor behaviour.

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

Because I was brought up with my Dad behaving in a similar way, so it's "normal" to me.

Because the person I married has shown glimpses of being a genuinely wonderful person. But they are just glimpses.

Because challenging the behaviour is rewarded with a response that leaves you twisted in knots and wondering if you're the unreasonable one.

Because there's a child involved.

Because I'm too soft.

DFlights wrote: »

I grew up with one of these types - my father was a supreme emotional manipulator and narcissist. He was so good at it, that people really didn't believe that he was as nasty as he was.

I ended up cutting contact with all of my blood relatives because I couldn't cope any more, and none of them would believe me. I honestly thought I was going mad, until I removed him from my life and realised that what he was like wasn't ""normal".

Good luck with dealing with this.

I think this is the underlining key, what we saw as kids lead us to think it was normal to be treated that way, as I say he used to say I was ****** up because of my step dad, he was an emotional manipulator. My step dad never hit me but he made my life a living hell.

Once I got out of 'home', I clung onto the first person that would 'have me' (in my head) fell head over heels in love and by that time he started to treat me badly I had already dug my own grave.

Sometimes, it's not until you actually get away from the person you realise how much they are in your head.

My OH is lovely and I have told him what my Ex used to do and he has two wonderful parents who have brought him up right so he can't understand why I was even with him in the first place, but the fact is I grew up with it so I didn't see anything wrong with the way I was being treated...but even now I have to admit at my lowest points the things my Ex said claw their way back into my head. I think deep down I know that my step dad has rubbed off on me in ways such as his short temper but I have learned to face my demons and the last three years I have changed so much into a better person.

Sometimes what is clear to others isn't as straight forward to everyone else.

Here is three people from a thread, that have grown up and then gone on to find relationships that were of similar problems...it's kind of scary really isn't it?

The worse part is my mum went on to have two kids with my step dad and I've had to watch it all over again...at least I had my Dad to fall back on but my step dad has turned into an alcoholic and is drinking himself to the grave..

RuthnJasper

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

Because I was brought up with my Dad behaving in a similar way, so it's "normal" to me.

Because the person I married has shown glimpses of being a genuinely wonderful person. But they are just glimpses.

Because challenging the behaviour is rewarded with a response that leaves you twisted in knots and wondering if you're the unreasonable one.

Because there's a child involved.

Because I'm too soft.

All reasonable. But you are not "too soft". PeaWat: You are HUMAN. And therefore just as prone to human failings and "merits" as everyone else.

You are not unkind. You are not violent. You are not cruel. You are neither verbally nor physically abusive.

You are, however (as evident by the many 'thanks' and positive responses you've had) valued, appreciated and GENUINELY liked.

Because of my own personal past, certain things
seem 'normal' to me - as I was brought up believing that it was my fault. It was not. And you are absolutely NOT to blame here, judging by what you have shared thus far.

Please don't berate yourself for the foibles of those beyond your control. Keep going and (if you can) keep smiling. It'll be ok - even though it doesn't seem like it will just now... x

VfM4meplse

pinkandblueshoe wrote: »

People who wonder why people stay have clearly never been in a relationship like this.

I wasn't being critical.

I do think these people pick their victims, though. I wonder what satisfaction they get from wanting to make others miserable.

lostinrates

calleyw wrote: »

This is of course can be either sex who is like that.

Why people want to be like that I never know. It saddens me so much that there people out there who want to make themselves feel better by putting people down. And control them.

Its easier to be loving and caring then horrible.

Relationships are suppose to be about bringing the best out of each other and loving and caring someone.

You ask why people want to be like that.....I would be surprised if any one DOES want to be like that but that they fall into these patterns because they have been useful to them early and have been successful, or because they are unconscious of them, and born out of insecurity,

What is easier probably depends on the situation a person developed in and how emotionally healthy and supported they were. But I think like a lot of the 'demonised' and damaging behaviours of moments, they are human. I think all of us have some behavioural and/or emotional imperfections that impact on others around us, even the really emotionally well ( of whom I strive to me but fall short!) I am not for a second suggesting one lives with such people to one's detriment, but rather that we consider that its not always so 'us' and 'them' or 'good' and 'bad'.