Battling Debt and Mental Illness — and (hopefully) Winning!

AspiringButAnxious

I bit the bullet and made an appointment with my GP on Monday — I even put that I feel I need counselling in the "notes" box on teh online booking form, so there's no chickening out! I guess I know it's my mental illness talkig when I think I don't deserve counselling or that I will be taking appointments from someone more deserving. I'm having a massive drisis of confidence atm.

Had a little bit of a chat with my mum re finances this evening and she seemed receptive to my ideas. I said I would like to halt loan payments for the next couple of months, so that I can reduce my cc balance to zero, and then add the Peru trek balance to my loan. I can then go back to paying at least £200 (hopefully more) off the loan every month. It would mean paying minimal interest on what I owe, so I would be able to clear my loan quicker, which makes financial sense for both me and my parents. Otherwise I will be struggling to pay off the cc card and loan at the same time, meaning interest would mount up and I would be more stressed than ever.

Got a Mental Health First Aid course tomorrow, which I am very nervous about. The mental health charity I volunteer for is paying and I get a certificate, which is all good! It helps me feel more valued and will enable me to do a better job in my volunteer role.

Had a stressful episode with the other volunteer position yesterday — found out that information on the website, which I had been relying on in the absence of any other information, was wrong. Thankfully it got sorted out, but I was worried it made me look really unprofessional (it involved articles I sent to 2 local magazine editors) and more stress is the last thing I need right now.

I bought a book called Confidence: The Secret by Katie Piper, which I hope will help me in the meantime. I read another of her books and found it very inspiring, so seeing it in Tesco today and feeling so in need of confidence felt like a sign. I also bought my brother a John Grisham book for his birthday, which is on Monday.

My Bath weekend with 3 close friends is next week. I panicked a bit about the money — the accommodation is paid for, but I was worried everyone else would want to do things and even if those things aren't expensive, they soon add up. I have been a little reassured on that front, so hopefully will be able to relax a little and enjoy the weekend.

So there are signs of hope! I need to figure out how to gain confidence (with the help of counselling, if my GP refers me), manage my anxiety and improve my mood. Once that's in place, I think I will feel more able to tackle the practical problems like getting in some serious training, fundraising and earning money.

crazy_cat_lady

Good luck with it all ABA - and good on you for taking the first steps to getting some help. You'll get there, you know there are good days and bad, and I'm sure your confidence will be up again soon.
I do wish you could see your own worth - I don't know you but really do appreciate all of the kind words and advice that you send my way.
I've done a mental health first aid - it was really good.

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks ccl I wish I was better at taking my own advice!

So... Doctor is going to refer me to the local charity which offers counselling, so it's now up to them whether or not they take me. He didn't try to make me go back on medication, which I appreciated, though I was clear that it's an option I will consider if I need to — I'm not anti-medication (quite the opposite!) but I'm not sure it's right for me atm and I'm using other methods to manage my mental health.

The Mental Health First Aid course was very good, despite my anxiety being pretty bad. It was great to have clarification on how to handle people in crisis — there was nothing I didn't know, but I wasn't sure what the official line would be! It was also great at getting me to consider how to apply my knowledge about mental health, since I don't have practical involvement with the charity's clients. It helps me consider how to present information on their blog, for example, which people would understand and be able to implement.

It's a wonderful course and it's really important that this information gets out to people, because so many are ignorant about mental health problems and how to deal with them. So many people don't realise the danger in responding to someone in irresponsible ways, such as telling them to get on with things or that other people have worse problems. Unfortunately, the worst offenders probably wouldn't consider taking a mental health first aid course, but more people learning the information means that the knowledge has a wider circulation and helps improve the overall situation.

The downside of the course is that it left me physically and mentally exhausted. When I got home, I couldn't move. My back, shoulders and jaw were stiff and aching after being tense all day. I had a tension headache, too. I also had stomachache and couldn't concentrate on anything. I think a lot of people don't realise that mental illness often has physical symptoms — they think it's all "mind over matter" but it doesn't work like that.

The course was a stark reminder of why I am unable to hold down a conventional, full time job atm. 7 hours with a group of strangers is still taking its toll 3 days later.

As you can probably gather, I haven't been able to do much over the past couple of days. My blog has been neglected. I went to a team meeting at the mental health charity, followed by a mini-meeting with one of the women who work there about our plan for communication/social media, etc. It added to my exhaustion, but I also feel useful for being involved. It helps shore up my dwindling self-esteem. If it was a paid position, it would be perfect!

There are a couple of short story deadlines at the beginning of next week, so that should be my priority for this week. I also need to post stuff on my blog and come up with ideas for the mental health charity.

Nothing is really happening on the money front, but I hope to be able to pay another £120 off my credit card when my WTC is paid tomorrow — just need to double check my budget calculations — so that would bring it down to £550.

I aim to return to gym classes next week, but my anxiety is an issue. I haven't been for nearly 3 months, so it feels like starting over again since my anxiety is worse than when I joined.

However, I did drive home from my nan's house on Sunday (my mum and I took her to visit my grandad in the local hospital, where he is recovering from double pneumonia), which is the first time I have driven since November. It went fine, though having my mum there helped. It was also a snap decision — I thought I might try it about anhour before I did it — so I didn't have much time to worry and talk myself out of it.

I guess things are looking up, even if it doesn't feel like it. The worst thing is that I hate myself like this — I feel so pathetic and like all of my good points have been sucked out of me. My negativity annoys me. Of course, living with negative people doesn't help — my mother made a comment last night that made me feel like a useless burden. I hope things get better very soon, so that I can focus on pursuing my goals instead of getting sidetracked by my health concerns.

AspiringButAnxious

I was a few pounds short of being able to pay £120 off cc, so I paid off £110! It's now £560.

I should be able to pay another £90 next week, depending on budget calculations and timings, which would take it down to £470 — sounds a lot more manageable and less than half of what it was just before Xmas.

Of course, all of this is financial first aid — the long term reality is that I need to earn more. Trouble is, my mental health is getting in the way of even planning how to go about it, let alone executing those plans.

crazy_cat_lady

Small steps ABA - you are doing brilliantly!

Orange_Ena

That cc debt is going down nicely ABA, well done.

I hope you manage to get to the gym next week.

Take care

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks guys

I had a really bad evening yesterday, but managed to get something on the blog. Also got a message from one of the women going on my Peru trek — I had mentioned my anxiety in a comment about why I couldn't go to the Amnesty AGM and meet the rest of the team and she offered support. I was very touched by her kindness and reassured by her admission that she finds the fb group intimidating, too! (Everyone seems mega confident and keep mentioning how many thousands they have raised). She thought getting in touch might help me feel less anxious on the trip, which it will, but it also helps me manage my anxiety during preparations.

So there are signs of hope! They are hard to see, but they're there....

AspiringButAnxious

I survived my weekend away! It was difficult, but I got through. There were some happy moments. Also some moments I had to take myself off to the toilet to cry...

Spent £2.25 on a cup of tea, but managed to resist buying anything else — despite seeing several very nice things. Also had to pay £10 petrol money to my friend.

I'm a little p!ssed off, cos I thought we were dividing the cost of everything and since I provided the bulk of the drink, thought I would recoup some of it. But friend who drove had problems with money not being transferred into her bank account, so was desperate for the cash, and said to friend who provided most of the food "you don't want any money for the food, do you?" Which obviously was phrased so that Food Friend would say no. Food Friend and London Friend both brought wine (lots in the case of London Friend!), so I wouldn't have expected them to pay me anything — we kept the food cheap, so Food Friend shouldn't be out of pocket and though I spent more, it took her more time to cook the food.

My problem is that Petrol Friend got £10 off me and Food Friend, but contributed only some soup and 1 slice of bread each. I brought a full bottle of vodka and a nearly full bottle of apple sours, both of which got finished, apple juice (we all had appletinis), Pepsi Max and a bottle of wine. I also donated a loaf of bread, sharing pack of crisps, hummus, some chocolates and a packet of brownie mix, which I didn't expect to get reimbursed for. I'm also the only one who doesn't have a proper job (Petrol friend works full time and the others work part time and have partners who earn more) and who has a lot of debt, so I feel like Petrol Friend has ripped me off.

I should add that the petrol money was a result of calculations by Petrol Friend, not a random amount, and I have given her plenty of lifts in the past without getting petrol money (not as far, granted, though probably further if you add up all the trips). I also paid for parking and a toll, which only amounted to a few pounds, but was given in the spirit of appreciating each other and no one getting short changed. The drink I provided cost £25-30 — almost as much as the petrol for the trip.

Am I being unreasonable? It's not even the money I care about: it's the fact that none of my 3 friends thought "oh, Hayley must have spent a lot on the drink, so we should check she doesn't want any moeny for it." When I thought we were dividing costs, I was planning to ask for £5 apiece, which wouldn't have covered the entire cost anyway. I thought I was pretty generous. Regardless of my financial situation. Maybe they assumed my parents paid for it (they didn't!), but they also know my parents don't have much money to spare — and are significantly less well off than all of my friends' parents, for that matter. It's the lack of consideration which irks me; the extra £15 would have made my cashflow situation a lot easier, but it's not that important in the long run.

All of this is leading me to the conclusion that I must be a terrible friend. After all, no one seemec to care about my costs so I must have done something to elicit this apathy. Tbh, the whole weekend felt unequal — I felt my problems were dismissed, while one friend talked constantly about breaking up with her partner 4 months ago and another talked a lot about her family problems. It didn't help that they kept saying "but you're going to Peru and that will be amazing" because I feel like giving up atm and all my Peru trip has done is add to my debt and pressure. I'm not sure I will be well enough to go, at thsi rate — assuming I manage not to kill myself first. The whole weekend has left a nasty taste in my mouth.

It didn't help that one friend announced she is emigrating to Australia at the end of this year and when I got home and found out when my parents had booked their holiday, so that we might be able to get together for another weekend at my house before she goes, she replied that she probably can't do it because it's right after her husband's birthday so he will probably want to celebrate that weekend. As if it would hurt to celebrate it the week before or after — I'm not only missing my birthday by going to Peru this year, if I make it, but my main present will be the trips to and from the airport! Obviously visiting her in Australia is out of te question for me for at least a few years, unless my financial situation changes dramatically.

All of this just adds to my feeling that my friends don't care about me. It might be my mental illness talking, but it feels like this is the case. Two of them barely bother to reply to my texts nowadays. I knew the weekend away would leave me feeling flat. For one thing, I wish I had my friends' problems instead of my own. My life feels so empty.

AspiringButAnxious

Paid £90 off cc, bringing it down to £470.

Feel a little better — went for a walk yesterday and have blogged every day.

reality_check

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I think some people just don't think and if your friends knew how you were feeling, they would feel embarrassed how they have been and would change, or....some people just are chancers and that might be what Petrol friend is - not with you specifically but just like that with anyone. Some people just can't help being self absorbed and think their problems are the be all and end all! Try not take it to heart, easier said than done I know.

Well done with blogging and getting out there for a walk, spring is on it's way...soon(ish)!!

Hoping you feel better soon xx