Battling Debt and Mental Illness — and (hopefully) Winning!

crazy_cat_lady

So pleased to hear that you're sounding so up at the moment. Hope it lasts for a long time and you get loads of s**t done
I'm sure that the driving's been absolutely fine as well

Huskyrunner

Hay well done on the weight loss since summer 25 lbs ��

doingitanyway

Yes, I would be super happy with that weight loss. Well done.

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks guys Unfortunately, compared to what I need to lose, my weight loss is miniscule... if I had started out at 200lbs, I would be thrilled. Probably. But I didn't: I started out at 263.5lbs, which is massive, so I should be losing weight a lot quicker. Never mind, at least it's in the right direction...

It's been a tricky couple pf days. My mum had a go at me on Sunday and made a comment implying that my life is empty and nothing I do is important. That sparked a sudden drop in mood, which is one of the joys of Borderline Personality Disorder I mean, if my own mother doesn't value what I do or appreciate the efforts I'm making, who will? And maybe she's right: maybe everything I'm trying to fill my life with is essentially meaningless and masks the fact that I have nothing to live for. Maybe pursuing my writing goals is self-indulgent and pointless.

Anyhoo, I haven't done much for the past two days. Hoping that changes as of today, because I have promised the mental health charity for which I volunteer that I will write a blog post on anti-bullying week. I also feel behind with my photography course; the weekly assignments aren't compulsory, but I haven't done any of them. It feels like every time I read/learn something new, I forget what I learnt earlier.... Hoping it will come together very soon.

Friday marks 6 months until I leave for Peru, so I intend to write a blog post about it and update my JustGiving page. Maybe that will make things feel more "real" and give my current life more direction. I feel like I need to do so much more, but my mental health problems get in the way and I'm never sure whether I'm focusing my (limited) energies in the right areas. Of course, stressing out about it all is exhausting in itself... My plan was to concentrate on writing, fitness and photography for the rest of the year, but self-doubt has set in and I'm wondering whether I should be prioritising finding any work I can get (at risk to my mental health).

I also feel under pressure to raise more sponsorship money for my Peru trek — I haven't reached a quarter of my initial target of £250 yet and the Amnesty guy is asking self-funders to aim for £2000! I'm aiming for £1000 ultimately and even that is stressful — especially considering my mental health hasn't improved enough to allow me to organise any fundraising events. Someone posted on out fb group that they'd hit 50% of their target, which is £4000 total because they're not self-funding, and instead of feeling inspired, I felt inferior and discouraged. Especially when I saw that they have friends who could afford to give £200... I'm less stressed about finding the £2000 to pay for the trip, partly because I can put it on the cc if need be and it's a once in a lifetime experience, but I can't sponsor myself £1000 just to hit my fundraising target — even if I could afford it, I would feel like a failure. After all, I also want to raise awareness.

Soooo... I guess this all equates to my feeling a bit sorry for myself, which I hate. I don't like being negative — I'm naturally optimistic and determined, so it feels like I'm out of touch with my true self.

AspiringButAnxious

Oops, completely forgot money news!

• Paid £30 off cc today, bringing balance down to £900 :eek:

• Got £10 from LuckyPhone on Friday — really impressed with how prompt the payment was.

• 3Got £50 YouGov payment pending and not sure what I will do with it. Think I might save it for when I go to Bath with my friends at the end of January, but I also owe my mum £140 on top of the usual rent and loan payments (bought presents in Tesco and she got my birthday present for my dad online last week, though most of it is Pepsi Max and junk food...), so I should probably pay off some of that soon...

• Got £50 left in my bank account and get paid WTC tomorrow, so should probably use some of that to pay my mum back.

• Am 2p away from a £15 Amazon voucher on ValOp, which is infuriating and always seems to happen!

• Also got £8 on OpW, so plan to use both of these towards Xmas presents. Will cut down on Xmas presents this year — I never have an absolute budget, because I prefer to buy what I think people will like rather than worrying that I spent £3 more on someone else, but I usually spend £12-£15 and will reduce that to £8-£10 this year, so will be seeking out some bargains

Could do with more money, of course, but it feels under control again after a super-expensive month (or 3...)

Huskyrunner

Are you using a just giving page too fund your Peru trip?
Can you not share a page on here and put i link up etc

Try not too let your mom drag you down your doing well, you have lost weight your exercising. Your bringing the debts slowly down stay positive.

If you have a just giving page post a link up i will donate a lil bit on my payday.

misstara

Likewise, not sure if you're allowed to put up links for fundraising on here but if you PM me the details I will donate on payday.

You're doing so well, don't be disheartened by your mum's comments, I think you are an inspiration.

Huskyrunner

Same drop me a pm and I will happily donate a few quid on payday

AspiringButAnxious

Aw, thanks guys I will pm you both the link, but in case I am allowed to post it here, here it is: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/HayleyNJones
Anything will be appreciated — I don't have many friends, so anyone who can throw me a pound or two gets a lifetime supply of my happy thoughts!

I paid another £100 off my loan yesterday, which brings me tantalisingly close to the 20% mark Also means I've met my loan commitment for this month, so anything else I can pay above my rent can go towards cc or what I owe my mum from shopping.

Got £10 from OpW yesterday — figured I might as well get money instead of Amazon vouchers, since I hit the Paypal minimum after a couple of surveys yesterday. That's sitting in my account while I think about where to send it!

Haven't gotten much done this week, since the kitchen being renovated is causing so much upheaval. It's not just the noise and clutter — having strange men in the house (well, kind of strange — my parents know them) is putting me a bit on edge, since I'm not used to having people I don't know around for so long.

My anxiety hasn't been great for a few weeks or more, so it just pours fuel on the flames. I find it hard to think about anything else when I'm anxious, so it's not exactly conducive to getting work done. It's also affecting my sleep, since I have to be up early before they arrive so that I can get ready and have some kind of breakfast. It's only for a couple of weeks, but it feels like everything is upside down!

Made it to kettlbells last night though it took all of my strength to tear myself away from the tennis! Also had a scare shortly before: the cat was sleeping on the arm of the couch beside me and next thing I knew, his head and neck were dangling right down the front. We called his name and he didn't respond. I panicked and shook him — he jumped awake and wasn't happy! Lol! Really thought he was dead for 5 seconds, but he must have been fast asleep...

crazy_cat_lady

I've put a little donation on there. Good luck x