Battling Debt and Mental Illness — and (hopefully) Winning!

AspiringButAnxious

Thabks guys I don't think my friend is lying about being ill (she's waiting for blood test results, but the doctor thinks it might be lifestyle related), but I'm not sure she is making as much effort as she could. It's not even the cancelling/flakiness which bothers me the most — it's not having enough time to prepare for a change in plans. I have tried to spell it out to her, in terms of my anxiety, but she just keeps saying that she was hoping to feel better. In which case, she could have let me know she didn't feel great early on and then I would have had time to prepare for either eventuality... She did make it to jive class last week though :j

More than anything though, being let down highlights how much I let myself down by not being more confident. It reminds me that despite the changes I have made this year, I'm still far from "normal" and that's frustrating. It's as if now I can glimpse how life could be for me, i.e. happy, I can't wait to get there and I feel worse about the !!!!py parts of my life.

Anyhoo, money updates:
• I bought fitness related stuff over the weekend (book on vegan nutrition for bodybuilding, protein powder for when I'm too lazy to plan protein-rich meals and a foam roller for my aching body), so my cc balance is now £840...
• I have been thinking about closing my EF and paying off £500 of the cc, but then I realised that I'm only paying £6 a month interest and it would take me years to replenish the EF at that rate, so I'm going to keep my safety net in place.
• I have paid my £200 off the loan this month, which means I have paid off 18.6% — I will hit 20% by the end of the year, which seems a lot. Especially compared to when I had £7000 on the cc and was struggling to meet interest/minimum payments.

I am still focusing on fiction, partly to wait for my health to level off and partly because I'm doing an online novel editing course. It's getting into the meaty bit now, so I'm realising how much work I need to do on the blasted thing...

However, I went to collect a certificate for an IT course on Friday (it took 2 and a half years to be sent!) and chatted to one of the staff, who suggested I talk to the careers advisor who works there. I agreed, so I have an appointment tomorrow. It should be helpful to discuss what to do — my motivation and energy are quite low, so I'm not sure whether I should wait it out until I can do more to get freelance work or whether I should try to get a "normal" job, which might have a negative impact on my mental health.

I know that having more money wouldn't solve all my problems (hence I don't want to jeopardise my mental health just to have any job I can get), but it would ease the pressure. I have been comfort eating more last week, which doesn't help my weight loss — which is still going disappointingly slowly., even taking into account the bag of kettle chips I ate last Wednesday. However, I haven't had any fizzy drinks since last Monday, which is better for my health and purse.

I guess I feel a bit stuck at the moment and as much as I'm trying to reach my goals, I feel like my wheels are spinning in the mud.

AspiringButAnxious

Ugh. Really awful last night — don't want to talk about it, but it involved me self-harming and feeling suicidal for the first time in ages. A huge disappointment. Not helped by my mum blaming me being off medication, not the actual trigger...

On the bright(ish) side I finally got paid the remainder that the CV company owed me, £108, which has made budgeting a bit easier. I used it to pay for a trip to Bath with my friends in January and put some on my cc, bringing it down to £830 from £857.

The trip to the careers advisor was good, but made me feel so useless. However, as a result I a, meeting someone from a local mental health charity for young people on Monday, to discuss my volunteering for them.

Jive was good, though I was alone because me friend got injured going down a slide at the weekend... I guessed she wouldn't be going when I saw her on Tuesday and she found sitting uncomfortable, but she gave me a good amount of notice so that's an improvement. Missed kettlebells today because I still feel terrible after The Incident last night.

I have realised that I feel really lonely atm and can't confide in my friends because they are preoccupied with their own problems and assume I feel okay because I have come off medication. In reality, this is a very difficult time and I feel I have lost my support system. I'm worried about my mental health and how I'm managing my symptoms. I'm stressed about finding work and paying my debt. I'm frustrated that my life hasn't changed as much as I'd hoped.

I lost another pound, so I'm 238.5lb and have lost 25lb since summer. It's okay, but I should be losing more and faster at my current weight. I need to stop emotional eating and cut down my portion sizes.

AspiringButAnxious

I have spent a huge amount of money over the past week, albeit buy now pay in 12 months on my Very account. My mobile's sound stopped working a couple of weeks ago, which meant I couldn't rely on it as an alarm clock or hear when people were calling. Got my brother to look at it and he couldn't find anything, other than confirming that the sound wasn't working as opposed to my managing to put my phone on an esoteric silent mode unawares. So I faced up to the fact that I needed a new phone and ordered an iPhone. My reasons include wanting to synch it with my iPad, which would make my life easier, and having more memory so that I can store all my music on it. Then, yesterday, the sound on my current phone started working again. No idea why — the alarm went off just on vibrate, which is enough to wake me from dozing, I pressed snooze and then the next time it went off, the sound was back. Thought about cancelling my iPhone order, but since I don't know what went wrong and did nothing specific to fix it, I can't rely on my current phone. It's inconvenient atm, but if it happened again when I needed to take calls for work purposes or something else important, it would be catastrophic.

I'm also getting a DSLR camera, since my OU photography course made me realise I need a better camera if I'm going to be able to use it for professional purposes (i.e. providing images with articles I write). I'm framing it as an investment in my future. I also want to throw myself into photography as a hobby to help me get through winter. I need a distraction from the cold, dark and misery. I'm using my SAD lamp, but it's not enough on its own and I need to use anything I can to give myself a boost.

Feeling a bit more on track this week, though still low energy. Ironically, adding nearly £2000 to my debt has perked me up because I'm determined to find work to pay for it before it goes on my account next year. Also met with someone from a local organisation helping young people with mental health problems on Monday, to discuss the possibility of my volunteering. I stayed to help clear out their new office and they seemed to like me. I have filled in an official volunteer form outlining my skills and the next step will be a more formal meeting with all the team. I hope they decide to take me on, because I'm passionate about the cause and believe it will be mutually beneficial, as they don't have much time to garner publicity. I have also caught up with my novel editing course: the next step is to start the actual rewriting. I feel a lot more confident about it now the plot has been reworked and I have everything clear(ish) in my mind.

So a mixed week... I feel a bit guilty about getting into more debt, but believe it will genuinely add to my quality of life. I'm not impulse buying like I used to — while I have spent a lot, the things I'm buying are useful and will be used a lot straightaway (unlike the designer shoes and dozens of books at a time I used to buy). There is an element of trying to make myself feel better, but that is linked to the experiences I will have with the products, rather than just the products themselves.

At the risk of sounding completely f**ked up, the money I owe my parents is giving me a strong reason to live, because I don't want to leave them dealing with my debt. It means that when I have really bad days and feel suicidal, I'm less likely to go through with it because I feel too guilty to leave without tidying my campsite. Maybe this was a factor in my spending this week: it forces me to look ahead and problem-solve (i.e. How am I going to pay for it?), which means I have to continue making progress.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just making excuses. I just really need some wins right now, so maybe the camera and phone are more about me giving myself a win, albeit a false one, to make myself feel better.

reality_check

I am glad you're feeling a bit better now ABA It is hard when friends let you down, I'm sure your friend just doesn't really understand what an impact she has when she cancels at the last minute etc...time will tell, but you soon find out who your true friends are. I did when I had kids, I can count on one hand with a few fingers spare the true friends I have. Plenty of acquaintances but I don't have a wide circle of close friends, and don't believe it's needed anyway.

Good luck with the volunteering opportunity, I am sure they will love to have you on board, and their loss if not! I don't know how you do it with all that writing! I wish I was creative and good at writing/english/grammar ha I'm not!

Mobiles can be so temperamental and we are so reliant on them these days (not that that's a good thing!) I'd have been straight to the shop/online ordering a new one too if mine broke. Now that it is working do you not have a cool off period for the new one? Everything can be delivered in day/next day so if it was to go again you could get another one just as fast? That's just personally what I would do if it was an option. You can also get refurbished ones on ebay, that is where I got mine and my daughters iPhone 6 for half the price and not had a problem at all with them plus they have a 12 month guarantee. If not while your one is back in action now I would get onto one of those phone selling sites and get a bit of money for your old one!

xx

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks, RC To be fair, my friend is one of the few who has stuck with me though the past decade and a half of mental illness, including the points when I routinely turned down invitations because I was too afraid to leave the house. She has always been unreliable when it comes to timekeeping, but until now has never kept cancelling at the last minute. Maybe I'm being harsh — I am extremely organised nowadays because I got sick of being chronically disorganised in my teens, so perhaps I judge people who haven't made the effort to change like I did. I know I tend to be over sensitive; other people probably don't consider changing plans at short notice to be as disrespectful as I do. Maybe the crux of the issue is that I need to be able to rely on myself first and foremost, so that I can cope when plans change and do things on my own.

I could have cancelled the phone order, but I didn't want to! Having an iPhone will be far more convenient and since I don't have to pay for it for 12 months, it works out cheaper than buying a different model elsewhere and putting it on my cc.

The cc has taken a bit more of a bashing (sd card for new camera, spare battery and phone cover), as has my Very account (wide angle zoom lens and camera bag). My excuse is that these are investments, since I want to be able to use my photographs in my work. Not sure that holds, but never mind... I have stopped spending now.

I'm officially a volunteer for the mental health organisation Have started doing some work from home and will go into the office probably a couple of mornings a week. They seem keen to hear new ideas, so I have lots to do... I'm desperate to make a good impression, since there is a minute possibility it could lead to paid work. It also fits in with my current blog on mental health, which focuses on my own experiences.

Also been doing a lot more writing. Have a skeleton draft of a short story and am rewriting the novel. I'm still procrastinating a fair bit, but it feels like things are moving forward.

I have a hip injury, so haven't done much exercise since last Wednesday, when the twinge I'd had for a couple of weeks felt a lot worse after kettlebells. I feel a bit lazy, because I can't really walk — was forced to walk a couple of miles yesterday though, to meet with the folk for whom I'm volunteering — and a bit concerned, because exercise is an integral part of my mental health management strategy. Guess I'll save money by not doing jive tomorrow night

Trying to throw myself into writing, volunteering and photography so that I can ignore all the other !!!!.

AspiringButAnxious

New week, new perspective! I'm feeling more motivated than I have for AGES.

Yesterday, I finished drafting 2 short stories and generated blog ideas for my volunteering role. I also finished reading the important parts of my camera manual, so I have an overview of how to control stuff like shutter speed, aperture, focus, etc. Just need to get out and take photos now...

So far today, I have read this week's course material for photography and my novel editing course. It's the last week of the latter and it has been really valuable — just need to put my nose to the grindstone and get rewriting loads. I reached the £50 mark on YouGov this morning, so redeemed my points. I'm also returning to Bodypump, because my hip feels a lot better. Can't believe how much I have missed exercise!

I have decided that this week is all about GETTING !!!!!! DONE. I need to refocus on my goals and prioritise what is important to me. I also need to figure out some strategies for forging ahead, especially where work is concerned. So here are my aims for this week:
• Rewrite as much of the novel as I can, starting with the scenes which need drastic makeovers and scenes I need to add.
• Take loads of photos and actually DO my photography course weekly assignments, including uploading them to the OU photo forum.
• Generate ideas for my volunteering roles and draft some blog posts.
• Go to all 3 gym classes. I would also like to walk more, but since that aggravates the hip injury, I will take it easy and see how it goes.
• Brainstorm how to get my career back on track — including where to focus my energies.

I'm hoping this mood will last and that I continue to feel energised and motivated for the foreseeable future

Orange_Ena

Yay ABA, brilliant to read all that positivity. I need to join in with your getting sh*t done thing

Have a great week

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks, Ena I'm yet to wake up properly today, but the week has gotten off to a flying start!

I got some donations for my Machu Picchu trek yesterday: I coerced my mum into finally making her donation, then when she shared it on fb an old school friend of hers donated £5! I'm so grateful, especially since I have never met this friend. Then, this morning, I found out that my brother donated £20 last night! It feels so much more "real" now and I'm nearly 25% of the way towards my initial target of £250 (though my overall target is £1000 and the Amnesty team leader is asking self-funders to aim for £2000...). It's starting to feel like I can do this

AspiringButAnxious

Paid £100 off the loan yesterday, bringing it up to 19.2% paid

Been doing some volunteer work over the past couple of days and will be going into the office to work for the first time this afternoon. Managed to rewrite a few scenes of my novel and posted on my blog, too.

Went to kettlebells last night, despite not feeling much like it, and am really glad I did. Exercise makes such a lot of difference to my mental health — it's incredible. I wish I had been able to use it more in the past, but I wasn't in the right place.

Got jive tonight and will be driving for the first time since I crashed the car 3 weeks ago (scraped my mum's car against my dad's car...), so I'm pretty nervous. I know it's just one incident and wasn't anywhere near as bad as what some people do, but when it happened I got into a state and vowed never to drive again, which meant my life was over, I wouldn't be able to do anything I want anymore, etc. Total meltdown. I suppose that was partly because I was already on edge though, since things have been a bit difficult lately: it probably had more to do with dissatisfaction about my life than my driving ability.

Anyhoo, it's been a great week so far and I hope this increase in mood, motivation and energy will continue!

doingitanyway

It's all sounding positive. Well done on the exercise