Battling Debt and Mental Illness — and (hopefully) Winning!

AspiringButAnxious

I'm still ill it has been a pretty !!!! Xmas, especially since I don't feel like eating all the food I prepared...

However, I checked my emails today and discovered that Peach has given me a massive donation of £100 after reading this diary, so I'm thrilled Thank you so much for not only supporting my challenge, but for cheering me up when I have been feeling so miserable

I appreciate every penny people have donated, especially as I know so many people have difficult financial circumstances — in particular, the lovely people on here Getting such a huge donation is the icing on the cake and takes me to 74% of my initial goal and to almost 20% of my overall goal of £1000. This makes me very happy and helps me believe in myself a little more

Shameless plug: if you would like me get closer to my goal and can spare a few pounds, please go to https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/HayleyNJones

I haven't done much since I feel so rotten, hence my bank account looks great atm because I haven't gotten around to paying my mum yet! I did redeem a £10 Amazon voucher, which should cover most of my brother's birthday present in just over a few weeks. I'm also hoping that subsisting on cough sweets and marmite on toast will result in some weight loss....

Hopefully I will feel up to writing a proper update soon and will feel a little more upbeat once this bl00dy virus goes for good. Sorry to be so boring!

Scott_Weiland_2

Kerching thats very generous when are you off on your trip???

crazy_cat_lady

Hope that you feel better soon ABA

reality_check

Sorry that you had a **** Christmas ABA and I hope that you're feeling better soon. I had a MSE sabbatical so just catching up on diaries and trying to get myself back in the money saving/debt busting zone.

Good luck with 2017 - the year of the trek!! xxx

debtfreeme2015

Hi I have read your diary from start to end. I also in my 30's still living at home and have bpd. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks, guys I go to Peru on 18th May, which feels scarily close sometimes...

Debtfreeme — it's great to hear about someone in the same situation as me. I feel like such a loser compared to my friends, which I know is stupid because they haven't had to cope with the same level of mental health problems as I have, but it's hard not to compare.

Anyhoo, update... I have been paying off my cc instead of my parents, which isn't ideal (especially when they realise), but helps make things feel more manageable. It's currently down to just over £700 after hitting £1000 at the end of last year. I know I had planned not to reduce my debts this year, but I'm getting very stressed about the situation and worried about adding to them.

I need to figure out how to earn money, but I have no idea how. Every job vacancy I see requires something I simply cannot do at the moment, like talking to clients on the phone or working full time. I want to make freelancing work, but my confidence issues keep undermining me and I'm very wary about getting a raw deal, like with the CV company, if not scammed outright. People seem to be interested in using my services, as indicated by my volunteer roles, but not in paying me. This is frustrating and makes it difficult for me to value myself, because it makes me feel worthless. Though I know the people I volunteer for have no budget for paying me and appreciate what I do, the lack of paid work is getting me down — which makes it harder to find the confidence and motivation to find paid work.

I'm wondering whether I should go back to the doctor and ask about getting counselling — there is a local organisation which provides counselling for free to people who have been referred by their GP (though they ask for donations if people can afford it — I would like to raise money for them at some point in the future). But then I think, I'm not as bad as I was when I had counselling at the beginning of last year and I would hate to prevent someone else from receiving it...

The virus is still hanging around, but getting much better. I'm going to try walking up the lane in a little while and hope to increase my activity over the next week. I'm getting a little more done this week, but my energy is low and I'm finding it hard to get motivated. Been using my SAD lamp every day this week, which is an improvement — I think it helps.

I guess I need to set some time aside and try to figure everything out — or at least, figure out what I need to figure out! I could really use a windfall roght now...

Chandelier.

Hi there!

I'd definitely get referred for counselling if you feel it would benefit you. That's what the referrals are there for. And as you say at a later date when things are easier you can 'pay it forward' through raising charity donations.

That is something I'm thinking of when I'm in a better place. To find a way of raising money for mental health charities. I may discuss with my sister about doing a 5/10k run.. I've never run before in my life and my family all know this so would be shocked to see me do it.

I'm glad to hear your finally overcoming the virus, it's been a tough one this past winter and many struck down with it.

I've not read your full thread just yet but just wondering what background career wise you come from? It may help in pointing in right direction for CV help etc. I definitely wouldn't pay a company for this.

Great news on debt busting even if you did not plan to. I can relate to the anxiety and stress.

All the best.

crazy_cat_lady

Why would anyone else need a referral more than you? Just because you're more aware than some that doesn't mean you're less deserving of help. It sounds to me as though you know what you need, and counselling may be it. You would make good use of the service and I think you should go and see your gp.

debtfreeme2015

Hi. Yes I know what you mean. I go on Facebook and see everyone I went to school with married, houses, children,good jobs and here's me at home with mummy. There is no way I would manage on my own. I also have an eating disorder self harm and occasionally do things my dr would rather I didn't.

If you feel counselling would help then talk to your dr. It won't hurt to ask. I'm waiting for treatment by the personality disorder team have been on the waiting list three years. They think I will be at the top by may

AspiringButAnxious

Thanks guys, I think I will bite the bullet and see my GP...

Chandelier — I'm a writer with very little work history! The short-ish story is: worked in clothes shop for a few months over Xmas and had to turn down offer of permanent role due to mental health, got full time job in office and lasted 9 months before bullying by boss took its toll on my mental health and went straight into working on supermarket checkout, which lasted over 2.5 years but was forced to leave due to taking time off for mental illness. Spent nearly a decade on incapacity/ESA, managing to get a Film BA and Creative Writing MA in the meantime. Since then, got job working for CV company and was forced off ESA by my Working Links "advisor" before I was ready and then the job turned out to be terrible — most assignments took me so long I was being paid below minimum wage (I was self-employed so it's technically legal) and then they took months to pay my invoices — only paying up when I threatened legal action. I'm now self-employed, scraping by on Working Tax Credits and whatever I can earn from my fiction and anything else I can find — which isn't much and my accounts book is embarrassing.

Anyhoo, I have been walking a little more, which is good. Still haven't been back to the gym — I cough a lot when I get out of breath and tend to bring up phlegm, which obviously isn't pleasant when exercising with other people.

My mum said we can sort something out with my finances, when she saw how stressed I am, but hasn't gotten around to discussing it with me yet. Her parents have been ill, so she doesn't have much time at the moment, but it's hard not to take it personally — it feels like she makes time for everyone except me.

I'm still blogging and hoping that will bring me opportunities. If you want to go to https://www.resurfacingandrewriting.com and click on the ads, it would be much appreciated! I'm also plugging away at my volunteering roles — I'm doing a Mental Health First Aid course on Saturday, which I'm both nervous and excited about...

There are 2 short story deadlines at the end of the month to which I want to submit, so that's a priority atm. My novel is sadly neglected...

I have paid £49.39 off my cc today, so it's now £670. It feels better already, but I'm aiming to keep paying it off instead of my loan — though it depends on what my mum says when she finally gets around to discussing a financial plan for me. Ideally, I would like to be able to clear my cc asap and add the balance for my Peru trek to my loan. That way, I will have more control over my money and feel better prepared.

I feel better than I did last week, so things are slowly improving. I'm working hard to increase my motivation, but am struggling with confidence. I'm trying to take comfort in the fact that my mental health always dips at this time of year and it should get better as the evenings get lighter.